Feeling defeated by this

[KimSuzanne]

I warn you this is a rant but would appreciate anything anyone can offer I'm way past rock bottom and sinking fast. Here goes -
I'm a type 1 diabetic diagnosed 10th September 1990 aged 7 years old (thats sad I remember that) and I know it was a Monday as well. My story is extensive and spans 16 years so I'll condense - been to hell and back numerous times with this Monster that lives with me. I've lost all trust in the doctors and who are there to advise me, at times I know more than they do about my own body. Admittedly I don't think they know many people who had a pancreatectomy at 16. But I always got through it and managed to fight back.
This year I'm losing the fight everytime I get up I get knocked down again. This Thing has already taken my chance of ever having kids (too many complications), my ability to live alone (night hypos), my adolescence (in hospital lots) now its going for my driving license by my choice I've lost the sight in my right eye to retinopathy and it scares me although the DVLA say you only need one eye (that does explain some people's driving), my career (I'm a Hospital Play Specialist) that I've worked years for and spent a lot of money working for.
There just doesn't seem to be an end I'm a brittle type 1 diabetic and to be honest I'm ok with the type 1 diabetic part its the brittle that I'm struggling with. They want me to go on a pump but there is no guarantee of getting this thing under control. If I'm honest I like my injections I've been doing them a long time, I don;t trust technology its tempremental and my diabetes has already got that area covered well and truely. I'm not sure I can muster the fight for the 100th time.
I've lost my confidence, my self worth, my self belief, mu independence, my career and family/friends don't understand why I'm not fighting like I normally do (kicking and screaming). I don't know what to do anymore!
I apologise for the long post

 

[jopar]

Hi Kim

Sorry you are having a rough time, and even though you feel that you'll almost out of fight, I sure that you find your ability to fight back pretty soon...

As a pumper myself, I can assure you that the little box of guppins is one of the best things going..

Yes it does come with a learning curve and a new way of thinking towards your control, I do had been injecting for around 18 years when I started on my pump, and it was strange at first not injecting something I used to do about 6 or 7 times a day, but it's surprising how quickly you get used to not injecting...

You mention that you've had your pancreas removed which makes controling diabetes even more difficult, I come across several pumpers who also had removal of their pancreas, and they have found the pump very helpful with aiding their control, as it can be used both in a pro-active manner, but can be quicky used in a re-active manner which goes a long way in improving control..

You say you have major problems with night time hypo's the advantage of the insulin pump, you can program your basal rate by the hour, some newer pumps have the ability to change every 1/2 hour... The new Veo pump incorpartes a CGM (needs separate funding for the CGM) which will turn the pump basal deliver off if it detects blood glucose heading towards an hypo, how cool is that?

There's a lot of advantages when it comes to control with the pump above MDI..

If they are offering then try it out, if you don't like it you can always hand it back and return to MDI, will warn you though there are not many who do give it back and say it's not for them... Most threaten to pysically fight off anybody trying to take it off them.. I warned my consultant a couple years back, that they would have to physically take it off me if they wanted it back, it would not only end in tears but a GBH charge etc...

Hoping you find your inner strength again, take care

 

[Issaqsdad]

Hi Kim,

I too am sorry you are feeling so low. I don't have much experience of type 1 as the father of a 6 year old who just found out he is type 1. However i do already have a lot of experience of feeling defeated. Reading though your post I feel rather sheepish about my own lack of strength. I was inspired by your perseverance and like the above poster hope you find the strength again soon

 

[KimSuzanne]

Thank you for the responses I really appreciate what you've both said my diabetes and I had a chat today, I know I sound like I should be institutionalised but after 20 years it becomes its person at times. And I have to say working in hospital does help me to kick my own backside occasionally.
Jopar I can understand where your coming from and yes no pancreas makes control similar to juggling jelly in a windtunnel but I looked into the pump years ago and more recently, I just feel that the disadvantages are too big to ignore. I haven't suffered a DKA in twenty years and that concerns me, I've got enough complications without DKAs as well. My consultant has been trying for 8 years to get me on a pump - I've told them I'll consider having it for 12 months and then I want it in writing that I can have it removed. My injections are like my comfort blanket I've never known anything different.
Issaqsdad I appreciate what you said I'll get past it eventually, we have to don't we. And if I'm honest I;m so used to being diabetic that I coukdn't imagine being any different. You too will find that you have more strenth than you realise and everyone on here will lend you some of theirs when needed!
Kim

 

[MushyPeaBrain]

Have sent you a pm

 

[Snodger]

my diabetes and I had a chat today, I know I sound like I should be institutionalised but after 20 years it becomes its person at times.

this really resonated with me - I actually drew a picture of my 'diabetes' once for a nurse who was trying to help me when I was feeling very low. It was like a little inky-black imp that clung onto my back annoying me and weighing me down. Sounds bizarre but it actually really helped to draw it and laugh at it.
so... you aren't the only one... by any means.