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feeling depressed and between a rock and a hard place

G

Gary1205

Well-Known Member
Messages
117
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Diet only
Diagnosed T2 three months ago and made great strides since diagnosis losing 2 and a half stone and HbA1c down form 98 to 47.
About 5 years ago suffered severe depression, and not proud of it, but came within a whisker of taking my own life. I had counselling and have been fine for the last few years even came off all the medication for about four years ago, and have recognised the signs when I'm feeling low and thanks to the counsellor have been able to use strategies to cheer myself up so to speak
I now am in a rut this week and cannot get myself out it, I should be happy as my daughter is expecting my first grandchild later this year, but, and I appreciate it is their choice they are thinking of naming it after one of my in-laws, who unbeknown to them almost caused the break up of mine and her mothers marriage. I have tried hinting that naming after someone will always cause someone to be upset but my son in law says well that's just tough and I can appreciate where he is coming from. But sadly it won't just upset me, I fear it could tip me over the edge because of the circumstances.
Between a rock and a hard place because I don't want to upset them or my wife but already having dark thoughts and don't want to resent my grandchild when it is born, and yet don't feel I can talk about it to them because it will upset them and my wife and I have never wanted to be an interfering parent, but it is making me feel so down and uptight like when I was severly depressed and have for the first time in years had a dark thought for want of a better description because it is evoking such a bad memory, which is what I feel will happen all the time if they do name the child after this person, they already know the gender so it is likely to happen.
I am also worried how this is going to affect my diabetes especially as I am it would seem bringing it under control, just tested myself now 6.9 2 hours after breakfast but feel terrible. All my results lately have been between 4.9 and 7.4. As I say, I just feel between a rock and a hard place as I feel unable to talk to the people concerned about what is upsetting me for fear of upsetting them and yet in other ways need to say what the impact is going to be on me, however this would seem like I am dictating to them and I do not want to do that either.
I know that depression can be a side effect of diabetes but do not think how I am feeling now can be down to it but maybe I am wrong, but I certainly don't know how to handle this one. In tears as I type this. My counsellor years ago said I was always putting other people first, but feel I am unable in this instance to put myself first so to speak. I am not neccesarily asking for answers to my problem but just advice how to minimise problems with my diabetes which I feel I was just getting on top of even this early on.
Gary
 
Hi gary
your blood sugar readings sound fantastic and the weight loss and HbA1c equally so. so well done you !!
just keep up the testing :)

perhaps you could get back in touch with the counselor for some further support if not able to talk to your family.
 
@Gary1205 - What happened in the past with your in-law (out-law?!?!) can not be changed or undone, the future can, whether thats by talking to your daughter and explaining you feelings and what happened (I sure what you say could be kepted between just the 2 of you) or by drawing a line under that episode and moving on, it's not the babies fault it could be named after someone from the past that caused problems, (and the baby is in no way connected to it!).

For your daughter having her first child is the start of a brand new chapter in her life, and becoming a grandparent could be your new chapter too!

"My counsellor years ago said I was always putting other people first" - may be in this instance you should put your daughter and her child first.
 
Thank you slip, but surely by not saying something and letting them choose their own name and trying to keep it together, I am putting them first. I would rather not say how the near break up came about, but I am afraid cannot just get it out of my head like that and appreciate it would not be my grandchild's fault but it would sadly be a constant reminder of a very sad episode in my otherwise fantastic marriage , one that I had managed to sort of bury, but this has brought it all back and I do wish it was that simple to forget and move on, but sadly in this instance it is not.
 
That is one tough question. @slip opinions reflects mine. You need some guidance on this as your reaction(s) would be different to mine. I fully appreciate we all react differently to any event in our life, but for me, I wouldn't be in the least bit concerned, based simply upon the premise you have enough to deal with. Well done on your numbers so take some comfort from that. Your health is paramount. Take care

Mike :)
 
Try to think of it as just a name and don't let it affect your feelings when the little one is born just enjoy it. I don't think saying anything to your daughter about it would be a good thing if she is unaware of that time in your marriage which you were happily able to resolve now it is all behind you so don't let the past spoil your future because you are about to start a whole new exciting episode in your life. Try to focus on the fact that you are going to be a Grandad and that is a wonderful thing and you will love that baby so much you will not care what it's name is
As for your diabetes and weight loss it sounds like you are doing brilliantly so that is something else to celebrate so well done and keep up the good work .I do think maybe that having some more counselling could help you
 
Perhaps you could think of other people with the same name that has a happier connection even Googling it .You may find someone of that name who has done something really good ,or a sporting legend Then think about your grandchild as being named for this person.Try not to let the past interfere with the joy of a new life entering your family
CAROL
 
Yes Gary I was implying, by not saying anything, you are indeed putting them first :) and I do appreciate it isn't simple to just 'move on' - so go and see a counsellor.

As others have said it's just a name, focus more on the new member of the family and when you get to hold your grandchild you won't care what he/shes called!

(My best mate has a daughter, she's 20 now but can I remember her real name? No! everyone calls her by a nickname that came about very early on - may be start thinking about an alternative name and then keep using it until it sticks, just an idea!)

I wish you all the best and hope you come to term with things.
 
Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts. My daughter obviously thought the world of the person concerned and I have no wish to destroy her thoughts. If she had said that they just like the name whatever it would be so much easier to accept, but sadly she has said she wants to name the baby after them, so I have now got that image in my head and so it is difficult to look beyond that. As I say last thing I want to do is destroy her thoughts, but the wounds have been reopened and I have to be very honest, I am finding it difficult to cope with to the point it is destroying me. I appreciate that this is not a mental health forum, but I am looking from the angle of the impact on my diabetes, which I did not have when I was previously suffering depression
 
That sounds a really difficult situation, Gary. Only you can know if it'd be right to mention it to your daughter. If she's unaware of what happened in the past, then I'd worry it'd be a bad idea to bring that up now, especially at this stage in her life. The only other idea I had was whether it'd be possible to speak to your son-in-law only. Could you tell him, thus protecting your daughter, but, hopefully encouraging him to think again about names? Even if they gave the 'bad' name as a middle name that'd be better, wouldn't it? I'm just thinking out loud that if your son in law could be persuaded, then your daughter might be swayed.

As far as the depression, all I can say is be strong and don't let it get you down. We can't control everything, but we can control how we react. If you think about it as letting this person 'win' if you let the name choice affect you, then that might help. Think how many people in the world must have that name. Think how many of them are good, special people. And think of your future grandchild - a blessing for sure. Don't let anything spoil that.
 
I just want to say a big thank you to everyone. My mood has somewhat lifted in the last hour. For obvious reasons, I felt unable to talk this one through at home, but it feels like I have talked it out, albeit not verbally and am feeling more comfortable about things. Sorry if I upset anyone but this thread has turned out to be a tonic for me and thank you all for your helpful comments.
To say the least it has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride so far this year. My daughter was involved in a car accident, then became pregnant, I was diagnosed with diabetes, I've lost all that weight and feeling better for it, as if the diabetes was the kick up the backside I needed to take better care of myself, got the much improve dresults last week, was looking forward, (and still am) to being a grandparent but got hit with the name thing out of the blue. Just became all a bit much for me. Felt unable to talk that one out which I knew was making me worse, but thank you my new found friends for "listening" and helping me.
Making me start to wonder if it was partly the diabetes that did not help with mood change downwards, but most importantly I am feeling brighter now. Ironically there are tears in my eyes now, but they are happiness ones and I am smiling as I type this.
Thank you all so much
Gary
 
Wishing you all the best, Gary. You sound a thoughtful, sensitive person so I know you'll get things right.

Look after yourself -

Azure
 
Apparently the best bit about being a grandparent is handing them back at the end of the day! ;)
 
Wishing you all the very best Gary....it must be very hard to accept the choice of names and have to stay silent about the effect it is having on you. Remember though , that no matter what happened back then, you beat it and your marriage survived. That makes you stronger than the bitter memories and strong enough to deal with this without resenting your grandchild. Channel the negative thoughts in to love for that baby...it is the beginning of a whole new future and a lifetime of love for you. When that little baby arrives there will be no room for resentment in your heart...only the love you will feel. You beat it Gary....remember that.....it makes YOU the bigger person then and it will again. Don't ever be afraid to let it all out here...bounce your pain of us and it will seem so much less xxx Try and stay calm and focused and hopefully your BG will get back to how it was...stress and worry is the last thing you need so don't let this thing cause you even more pain....YOU beat it and you can again ...don't allow it to threaten your happiness ...it has no right to and you shouldn't let it......it is gone ....past....over and you beat it :) xx
 
Hello and welcome. This is a big thing for you and it's clearly sitting right across your path and casting a deep shadow. Actually, two shadows! If you're not comfortable with the thought of talking it over with your family, I'm sure you need to talk it out with someone else such as a counsellor.
If you can externalise your position between a rock and hard place you should be able to see a way round, over, under or even through!
Best wishes.
 
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