Feeling frustrated

I've been dealing with very high sugars for a while now, and yesterday I got a holter monitor put on and got it off today. I didn't have a good sleep with it on. And I woke up this morning with my sugars in the 20's. And this frustrates me because I am trying so hard to get my diabetes under control. I'm taking all my medications and all my insulin doses. I've been having to go to the emergency department a lot of times this week. Because my heart rate was up, when I got to the emergency department my heart rate was in the 160's and my blood pressure was 156/107. My oxygen was 93. Which is weird because I usually have a really good oxygen level that always reads at 100%. They rushed me in right away, because at that point I couldn't think clearly. I also had possible ketones in my urine. (I test on my own using ketostix) I couldn't breathe properly, and they got me stabilized. The doctor that treated me didn't tell me what my results were. He just said "ok, you're clear to go home." And his resident was looking at me when I first got in there, and she was saying that they might've had to admit me again because of the way I looked. Apparently I looked like **** when I got there. But then I got to go home. Which is good don't get me wrong. But I just wanted a simple solution, I wanted **** to get done right there and then. I felt like there was no one who could save me from the body that was attacking itself.
It is very awful and draining when your always dealing with high sugars and a high heart rate. Every time my heart rate goes up, I feel completely drained of my energy. My NP is getting very concerned. I am now at 36 units of Tresiba. And might have to increase again tomorrow. And my highest dose of Humalog is 25 units at breakfast and lunch. And at supper the highest I can go is 27. And while I was at the hospital the last time, I got an extra twenty units on top of 63 units that I got at supper. (Combine both humalog and tresiba) I just wish there was an easy solution to figure out what's going on with me.
Otherwise I'm thinking of stopping my insulin again and just letting myself go into ketoacidosis and then letting myself die. Even with my extensive mental health issues my NP would totally agree to this, as he respects what I want. It's like my body wants me to die. And I've already had ketoacidosis, and my body has went acidic just the other week. People think I'm a psychopath because I don't think death is a big deal. But shouldn't it be what the person wants? When they think it's a good time for them to go? I mean I'm only 21 but I think I've fought too long with this. 7 months and 16 days is long enough for me to deal with this. Do you think I'm crazy and irrational?

EllieM said:

Look, you're dealing with very high sugars which will make anyone feel like they want to die, so I can understand why you might feel like this. But having high sugars also impacts your logical thinking processes, so it's a really bad time to decide to take drastic actions.
I've read some of your other posts and you do seem to have a mountain of illnesses to cope with at the moment, but on the plus side you do seem to be getting (some) diagnoses.

Unfortunately stress and illness put up your insulin needs and you do sound (with good reason) very stressed right now. At 21 you have your whole life ahead of you and although things are bad right now that doesn't mean they have to stay like that. And while I don't know anything about your other conditions I do know that diabetics feel much better when they get their insulin regime sorted correctly, but you sometimes have to be patient with that because no two diabetics are identical and it takes time to work out what will work for you.

Hopefully you can see some specialists (endocrinologist?) soon who will be able to work out what is going on with your body. Unless I've remembered it wrong, you haven't even got a T1/T2 diagnosis yet, and that is pretty important. I don't know about Canada, but I wouldn't expect the doctors in emergency care to be that clued up about diabetes, they'll treat you for diabetic ketoacidosis if you've got it but they won't know the finer points of your condition. Push for an endocrinologist and keep talking to your NP.

Good luck. Keep posting. Lots of moral support available for you on these forums, even if we can't help with the practical stuff.

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Thanks so much for all the information. It is very frustrating and I am going to see my diabetic nurse today. So she'll probably have to add more insulin. And my NP and the diabetic nurse are trying to get me an endocrinologist. But this takes time and they need to speak to him/her before they send me there so they know about my extensive mental health and physical health problems. But thank you for the support.

ert said:

Hang in there. Young people require higher levels of insulin due to hormone levels. Your insulin requirements are totally normal for someone your age. Keep fighting. And posting.

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Darned hormones. But thank you for your words of wisdom and helping me not feel like the only one who needs tons of insulin at 21.

Edited by Mod