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Frustrated with my mother...

  • Thread starter Thread starter NicolaB70
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NicolaB70

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Like myself, my mother has T2, whereas i was diagnosed in June, she has had it for years. I am getting so frustrated with her. I am still new to all of this but have spent a great deal of my time on this forum reading different threads and to be honest I've learnt a great deal from here. I try to low carb as much as i can, I've completely changed my diet, losing weight and my levels are at a good. On the other hand, my mother eats lots of carbs, doesn't eat or take her tablets at regular times and has lots of hypo's. She says that diabetes shouldn't rule your life and insists on having a weekly treat of a jam donut or cream cake, mad i know but she wont listen. She thinks I'm silly for not having 'treats' myself, that it won't hurt me now and again! Hmmm
Ive tried advising her without sounding a 'know it all' but she will not listen. I've also told her about this site but shes not interested.
Guess I'm just having a rant but I'm only trying to help her at the end of the day. Sorry for going on.


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Hi Nicola
You may have to take the softly softly approach with your mum perhaps if you tell her how well you feel with your eating habits and maybe relate one or two good results posted by others on the forum she may just take an interest If she has been eating a certain way she will think it is ok and the mainstream HCPs dont help
CAROL
 
Carol, i have tried the softly softly approach, tell her what I eat, etc and it falls on deaf ears unfortunately. We both have the same gp and dn and they've been good with advice for myself so i would imagine she gets the same advice. For instance, today i told her that i tried special k for breakfast which made my blood levels shoot up to 9.4 from 5.3 ( won't be having them again). She didn't think there was anything wrong with that and normal levels are between 7-9. She has toast with jam or marmalade or crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast and thinks thats ok. I can only advise so much and be ignored.

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Oh sweetie, what can you do? People will always follow their own path even if it does them damage but it is always their choice. When that applies to someone who isn't close to you, you may be able to push it to one side but when it applies to someone you love, it must be so distressing.

Trouble is, when someone is sticking their head in the sand, it won't be you who pulls it out, only she can do that and as a previous poster said, all you can really do is lead by example and don't let her de-rail your fantastic efforts. She may feel jealous of you and your efforts to understand yourself and odd as that sounds, parents can act like small kids at times. I bet she realises that she has got it wrong all this time and maybe feels a wee bit guilty about your diabetes too, perhaps thinking that she helped to cause it but diabetes isn't a life choice is it? It is what it is.

Everyone's reactions are different, all you can really do is support her and hope that one day she can support you too.

Good luck.
 
Hi there. What is your mum's hba1c? If her weekly treat of a jam scone or donut is literally once a week and not a few times a week, and she takes insulin (is she on insulin? you mentioned hypos) then I don't think that's too bad. Post prandial levels of up to 9 are acceptable, if that's before a meal well that's a little on the high side.

Sounds like your mum is a little more relaxed than you, whether this crosses the line into bad control is hard to tell from your post.

Could it be that she wants to include some carbs in her diet from time to time, and feels she is doing this in a controlled and measured way?

It may be that I'm wrong and she's gorging on the cream cakes all day long, but from what you've said it doesn't sound like she's completely out of control, just using a different slightly more relaxed approach.

The hba1c is key, if this is under 7 then she's fine, 7-8 = could do better but not terrible, above 8 she really needs to make some changes.
 
Wow, I feel for you.

I actually get very frustrated with people who refer to unhealthy food as a "treat" - it automatically makes eating healthy food sound like some sort of punishment.

I've had no end of people saying to me "you must have a treat!" - and my answer is "my entire diet is a treat - it's all delicious - and I'm "treating" my body nicely". I have changed my way of thinking so that a "treat" is never something food related. Why does a "treat" always have to be a cake or whatever - why can't people just enjoy a delicious healthy meal? People are psychologically telling themselves that anything healthy can't be nice and that is sooooo not the case.

The thought of the possible repercussions of not properly managing my diabetes is enough to keep me on track; the alternative is horrendous. I really feel for you - it's a difficult situation. Definitely do NOT let her take you off track; you sound like you're doing brilliant - so stay on it - be the example. If you have to get tough with her at any time, try saying this: Well it's up to you mum but you ultimately have to choose your pain. Either be more disciplined now and lead a more comfortable old age, or be comfortable now eating garbage and not doing what you're supposed to do - and suffer the pain of the consequences later. In any situation where I'm tempted to be lazy - I say to myself "choose your pain!" - either make the effort now and enjoy the results, or be lazy now and pay for it later. There's no way to have both.

Stay positive... keep going... encourage her to do the right thing but accept that there is only so much you can do, each of us are responsible for our own experience of life. It is up to her to take control of her condition - no one can do it for her unfortunately. But you sound like you're taking control of yours and that is fantastic so stay positive.
 
Thank you for your replies.
Popsy, I think she may feel slightly guilty about me having diabetes now as my 2 brothers and i all have a motor neurone disease which is heredity and passed on down to us from her. So I'm guessing she might feel that it's something else she's passed on. I don't blame her for my conditions but can understand if she does feel guilty as i often do when worrying if I've passed on my m n disease to my kids.

The_anticarb, i have no idea what her hba1c is but she is not on insulin. She's on metformin and has recently been taken off gliclazide. I do believe her "treat" is once or maybe twice a week but i know she eats biscuits, sweets as well. I think she's too relaxed sometimes as she knows shes not supposed to eat certain foods but still does. Her favourite saying is " im not really supposed to but i'm going too anyway". For instance, just after i was diagnosed we went out for a family meal to celebrate my sons 18th birthday. When it came to desserts she wanted a big chocolaty, ice cream thing saying her usual I'm not really supposed to..., my bloods were slightly high but i'm going to anyway, until i laughed and jokingly said " no don't have it, you should be setting me a good example". She didn't have it but had the a##e with me for the rest of the evening. I told her i was joking and its up to her at the end of the day. I can only but try.
Hazehkm, thank you for you kind words, i will stay positive and keep on do what I've been doing, i haven't felt this good for ages, so i must be doing something right!

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Everybody is different. Some people are happy to take risks, others prefer to be safe than sorry. It takes some people all their energy to refuse a treat, while others are very happy to say "no thanks". Some people find cutting out the things they love depressing, others see it as positive change in their life.

What's right for you is not what's right for her.

So don't pretend you know what's right for her. What you can do is help educate her, so she can make better decisions about what's right for her.

If her HbA1c is 10, there's a fair chance she'll end up spending the last few years of her life with no legs, or some similarly serious problem. Is a moment of delight every week really worth that price?

If her HbA1c is 8, the risk is far smaller. It would be good for her health to reduce it, but being happy is also good for one's health.

Above all, don't judge. She says "I'm not really supposed to but I'll have it anyway"; it seems to me like she feels judged for her eating habits, and she wants to show that people can't tell her what to do. But that's not the point! The point is about avoiding horrible complications down the track. What she should be saying instead is "I'm going to really savour this donut because I look after myself and don't eat them too often". So don't make her feel guilty when she decides to indulge, instead help her understand how to use her HbA1c to figure out the right balance of indulgence and health.
 
My Mum has a slice of gateau on a Sunday afternoon, it is her reward for good control, her hb1ac is 47 and she obviously enjoys her treat.
I admit to being slightly jealous as my sugar goes up just watching her lol.

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I've had similar problems with my mother, but I persisted and she has got better.She takes her tablets properly. We arranged to have them put into trays by the pharmacy ans so she and her carer sees what she's taken at a glance.
I've managed to change her bread from white to Burgen too.
Hana
 
NicolaB70 said:
Like myself, my mother has T2, whereas i was diagnosed in June, she has had it for years. I am getting so frustrated with her. I am still new to all of this but have spent a great deal of my time on this forum reading different threads and to be honest I've learnt a great deal from here. I try to low carb as much as i can, I've completely changed my diet, losing weight and my levels are at a good. On the other hand, my mother eats lots of carbs, doesn't eat or take her tablets at regular times and has lots of hypo's. She says that diabetes shouldn't rule your life and insists on having a weekly treat of a jam donut or cream cake, mad i know but she wont listen. She thinks I'm silly for not having 'treats' myself, that it won't hurt me now and again! Hmmm
Ive tried advising her without sounding a 'know it all' but she will not listen. I've also told her about this site but shes not interested.
Guess I'm just having a rant but I'm only trying to help her at the end of the day. Sorry for going on.


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Click to expand...

Could be payback time for all the frustration she has felt over the years :lol: :lol:

Seriously though, I don't know how old your mother is so may be making assumptions about her diabetes.

If she is a senior, you might like to read this article,
Diabetes Advice for the Elderly. Relax.
http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2013 ... ref=health

If she is younger, she may be digging her heels in. How many parents do you know who will take advice from their children?
 
This is very difficult, i watched my dad kill himself because he pretty much ignored hes db and carried on drinking whisky every night and eating cakes and biscuits all the time, on one hand i wished id known about diabetes at the time so i could have helped him but on the other hand im sure he wouldnt have listened, hard to know what to do :( i think gentle encouragement about the good bits and ignoring the bad bits would be my guess on how to deal with it, its like someone smoking, they know its bad but have to choose to stop for themselves, no amount of nagging will make them quit, you of course have to try because you love her but not too hard it may make her go the other way and eat badly just to prove the point that she can do as she pleases, positive pressure i suppose :)

i do feel for you, this is indeed frustrating, best of luck and well done you for making the right choices for yourself :)
 
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