Dear Jo,
Apologies for the rather late response. Got home about 8.45pm and fell asleep.
You speak a lot of sense Jo. Chesterton once said " Common sense is not that common". But it often needs someone outside looking into this trench I'm in to see what is going on.
I went on this forum as I have a myriad of issues. I just have felt overwhelmed, Jo.
My depression is manageable, but once we try and get to the bottom of it, then I hope steps can be made to address each factor and issue.
I feel that trying to sort everything out at once won't work.
I will have to address major issues first then look into how I delegate, or not, maybe, as in this case.
I can't thank you enough or others who have taken such valuable time to give such worthwhile feedback, experience, and knowledge, based on own events.
There is a saying " How do you eat an elephant? A little bit at a time.
I hope in the first instance I address my blood sugars, whilst taking time out to decompress.
Consultation with psych will happen soon hopefully.
I hate feeling like this, but not been able to snap out of it.
Decided to take time out this summer to try and get some quiet time.
My wife, dogs and I are going to shepherd's hut for a few days this week. No phone! No laptop! Just peace.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
Kevin x
You go on, and on, and on... And then comes a point where things just come to a head. Which can be for whatever reason, or reasons. At this moment you're dealing with a lot of things at the same time, and it is absolutely normal, considering the circumstances, to crash and burn. I know I did, last year. I'd been hobbling along best as I could and then it just stopped when my mom passed away. I couldn't see my way out of the maze anymore. Too much had happened in a relatively short time. What helped: Getting a proper diagnosis (AuDHD), actual help with it from professionals and people who had it themselves, people who listened.... And also, very, very important, this.... Understanding of oneself. I'd been running into mental roadblocks for 45 years, (all my life, really), and all I ever did was kick myself around, because I SHOULD be able to do things that came so easy to other people. Turned out I wasn't other people, I was neurodivergent (I rather like the term neuro-spicy), and all of a sudden so much made sense... I could forgive the Jo who messed up socially at 4 years old, because there were things she couldn't possibly have solved herself without help from others. Same went for 16 year old Jo, or the 18 year old one, who lost her partner to suicide and kept wondering what she could've done to save him if she'd just been better, more capable, more useful, more worthy, more.... More. Everything in my life started to make sense, the self-blame and self-hatred seemed to dissipate almost overnight. I'm still a mess, but I'm not longing to put some stones in my pockets and jump in the river near our flat anymore. (Not just for some peace and quiet, but also from a deep rooted belief that the world is better off without me. I've lived with that since I was 4 years old. It's getting better, which I never thought I'd be able to say. It's just always been there, basically.)
I did come very close to making that move to the river last year, when everything just went wrong.
When you hit rock bottom though, the only way is up, really.
I'm assuming you can hyperfocus on things? Maybe start small. Literally, with
Small Talk by Richard and Rox Pink. It's a thin book but it might help you see yourself in a different light. Lots of thicker, more technical books on dopamine and whatnot out there and I'm sure you can go through some Lancet back-issues as well, but I think, at this point, what you need most is a little kindness towards yourself to prop yourself up for the moment... Small Talk might help with that some, and it won't take long to read, so won't impede too much on whatever deep-dive, hyperfocus you might want to do on diabetes, should you want to take that bull properly by the horns. Just an idea, but.... That's what I do. I grab whatever medical issue is in front of me and read anything I can get my hands on and then be my own guinea pig. And while understanding the technical, biological goings-on of your nervous system/brain etc might be nice, maybe seeing some small recognition somewhere and what
your needs are, how they can be
met swiftly and relatively easily, is a little more practical. And considering your mental state right now, kind of more pressing? Possibly?
All in all... You do have a lot to deal with. Taking time off is a very good idea, -shepherd's hut sounds like heaven!- and I do sincerely, deeply hope you get help soon. On all fronts. You don't have to carry this load alone, you know.
I have no idea whether you're up for a diet change, but if eating your emotions is an issue, you might want to shift the eating into a different direction. Still decadent, but not explosive for blood sugars. Nice hard cheeses, (just picked up a very nice old goats at the market, it is lovely!) olives, pork scratchings, some (relatively small amounts of) extra dark/artisnal chocolate, stuff like that. Cold cuts, smoked salmon or other fish, nuts like macadamia's and pecans, deviled eggs you can go mad with... Things that taste good, feel like you're actually eating something (unlike lettuce for instance.... It's fine, but not when you need a culinary hug-equivalent), just, you know.... Shift. Better 10 eggs than 10 bags of crisps. Some berries with clotted cream can hit the spot too, just don't do that daily.
Whether dealing with diabetes or mental health, this is the trick in either:
Show yourself some kindness and understanding. Or as my therapist put it yesterday: If you were talking to Kornelis (husband) would you speak to him the same way you do to yourself? For him I'd be supportive, understanding, warm and looking for sultions. For me it is still a very tough habit to break, the kicking myself around all the time for trivial mistakes no-one else actually cares about. If your wife felt how you are feeling now, how would you speak to her? Now try and apply that to yourself. It's a bit "floaty", but I'll be damned, my shrink has a point. Speak to yourself, and act towards yourself, as you would to a loved one who is hurting as deeply as you are now, and in need of your support. You do deserve some self-care, and I'm glad you're doing the hut... It's a wonderful start, and a very, very kind thing for you to do for yourself. Try to make that a habit for yourself.
Anyway, big hugs. You'll be okay, just takes a little time and a little help. But you will be.
Jo
PS: I take myself as an example a lot because it conveys
you're not alone and people do know how and understand you feel, and sometimes can maybe come up with solutions. So it's not about me: I'm relating, if that makes any sense.