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Hi been to see mum, Back home now

S

sandymaynard

Well-Known Member
Messages
696
Hi
I decided to go to sheffield and visit, I have been to hospital to visit! My fiancee drove me up early hours of the morning! We travelled up early hours of the morning to be able to get there to be able to see for ourselfs what was happening!
Good news haley my mothers partner is sat up and walking around like nothing had happened! She has recovered from heartattack.

I went into see my mum! Oh she is not so good! First words I got was what the hell are you doing here, I told you not to come here I am okay as you can see* I started to say I wanted to see how you are! But as usual my mum started shouting..
Before I could say anything I got the whole * don't you do anything you are told, I wanted you to enjoy your birthday and have fun*
My first thought's back to nagging self I see! The doctor came in a very nice guy!
I pulled him to the side and asked what is happening! He answered that she is in stage 5, This means that her kidneys are not working at all! He said there are a few things that they can do! She will need full time help!
I asked hate to ask but how long? He said to be honest there is no time limit, it could be days,weeks, or years no body knows what will happen!
She is in a lot of pain! She says no treatment what so ever! I have helped her to plan her funeral! She has asked that nobody wears black at all! We all have to wear colours, and no tears!

We were going to stay over in sheffield but decided to come home! I said to haley that I could not stay as there as my mum was off again!
Haley understood and just made me promise to take it easy and look after myself!
I did not want to go, but she did not want me there and made it clear after I sat on the chair near her!
she told me that I was a mistake that she had and wished that I had never been born! That I was a thorn in her side. How she should have had me aborted when she found out that she was pregnant with me. If she would of used her head then I would either be dead or never born*
She said that I am just one big mistake, it is my fault she is diabetic type 1, my fault that she has this kidney problem!
I felt so down and so low when I left there!
I will admit that she put me into tears. I just wanted to get out of there! She seems to have turned nasty! I know that being in pain can make you turn nasty!
But she had turned so nasty! Haley her partner has said she had been sating this sort of stuff since I was kid and I must of blocked it out!
I just don't know what to do now, I am back home, I am sorry for the long message,
sandy
 
Hi Sandy.
When people are ill they can often say things that they don't really mean. Please know that you are a wonderful, caring person and we all love you. We are always here for you.
Ken.
 
Sandy
your mother may be pushing you away to spare you any more pain. Sometimes sick people do that with the ones they truly love
From what you've written earlier, you were a planned child. Hayley and your mum must really have wanted you.
It sounds like Hayley is supporting your mum and maybe for a while she would be your contact. Was she a "second" mum to you when you were young?
As the doctor said Stage 5 kidney disease isn't an automatic end. Your Mum has the possibility of many more good years.
I wish you, your Mum and Hayley all the bes
Hana
 
hya sandy, glad u managed to get there,
as already said it can be a defence mechanism too, it doesnt make much sense but yrs ago after losing my cousin who was also my best friend i was the same, it hurt so much that i didnt want anybody to love me as i didnt want my loved ones hurting as much as i was if anything was to happen to me, as i said ,it doesnt make sense now but at the time it did, look after you and enjoy your birthday :D
 
Hi everybody,
Thankyou for your kind words! Shame of it is that this is the mum i grew up with, the nasty mouthed woman!
Haley was more the mum she would put plasters on my cut's sing me to sleep when i had a nighmare, my mum did none of that!
The real shame is that i would lose haley and she has been more of a mum! I am so proud of what she has done!
I wanted to make my mum feel loved, Instead she made me feel like that little girl again, That when she was having a bad day she would hit me! I got used to it after a few years!
when i left home i thought great no more fears!
I wanted to make sure she was okay and fine, instead i came away hurt not because she is pushing me away! She is the same spiteful person she always has been! The pain of it was way too much for me!
I just hope that one day she understands that i do love her!
sandy
 
I have managed to speak to haley she phoned me at home! She says that my mum has decided that she doesnot want to know me anymore as this is all my fault!
I asked haley why! She says my mum blames her as well, saying that if haley would of been the one to carry me then she would be fine now! Also stating to haley to tell me that i was a mistake that should never have happened!
I asked haley is this the pain talking or her? Haley answered it is her talking it is how she feels about me!

I haev told haley that i love her to bits and i don't want to lose her, but if mum wants it that way then i am not going to force her into anything! I just said tell mum even though she hates me and doesnot love me, Tell her that i love her and that will never change!
I am always on the end of the phone, even if she phones just to listen to my voice and stays silent i will talk to her!
Haley says she will tell her, but she said you know what your mum is like! I simply answered yes i do!
I explained to haley that i wish that she had been my mum how much she means to me and that i love her very much! I said i know!
Haley then told me that if i havenot opened my card, i will find £50 in cash that she put in there, haley then said go out and have a meal on me or get some new clothes!
i love haley as she has been a much better mum to me! I love my mum as well that will never change! I can't change her!
Sandy
 
Yow, if this was a soap opera the critics would be complaining how unreal it was. :(

Sounds like your mother is bitter and twisted, and probably terrified, and is taking it all out on you. Hard to know how much is her and how much the illness, I've known a couple of people with heart failure who used to get into terrible foul moods and ranting. One knew it was the symptoms but was unable to control it. The other didn't even know she was ill and nor did we until a few days before she died, then a whole lot of stuff suddenly made sense, she was fine on mondays and fridays and worked up to a crescendo on wednesdays for several weeks and only after collapsing did it become apparent she'd been in heart failure probably for months.

I wish I could upload *my* mother, just for a while.

{{{HUGS}}} you obviously deserve better
 
Hi Trinkwasser,
thanks for your kind words! Even though she has said what she has said I can't turn my back on her! I would never forgive myself if something happened to her!
She has always been this way! I just learnt to cope with it! Never seen her that bad!
I would love to be able to run to her and tell her i love her and give her a hug! But i can't i tell her through haley! That is the only way i can find out what is trully happening!
Silly thing of all of this! We had been happy or at least i thought until she turned on me today! I am looking after her elderly dog at mo! I told haley when she is released from hospital i will return him to them!
No way was i willing to put a 15 year old dog into boarding kennels he is settled and happy so he will stay until haley is out!
sandy
 
good on you sandy, sorry about your relationship with your mum, obviously its not nice for you but as u say you will always be there for her, and u also have haley who is more like your mum and it shows that even being brought up by a mum like that it certainly hasnt turned u into a bitter or nasty person,
you are lovely and unfortunately we cannot choose our families but we can certainly choose our friends :) keep your chin up hun xx
 
Hi totsy,
i always said i would never be like my mum! I have always been of the thought that no matter what happens i will always be there for her! She is my mum and i can't change that! I have always said that i don't understand her at the best of times! But all i can do is be there for her!
I know that i have lived my life to be able to help others and always be there and be there to give a helping hand to others!
My friends say I am a right mother hen! They hurt themselves or any problem they come running to me, as good old sandy will listen and offer support and kind words to them no matter what happen's!
I know may sound weird, but I am always there no matter what the amount of times i have been there for friends crying over the most stupid things, they can't have a new pair of shoes or something more stupid!
I went shopping with a friend, you have to remember i am totally colourblind, all light colours look the same same as dark colours to me! She said what shoes the blue or the black?
Oh hello here i can't see, i knew whatever pair i picked she would go for the other anyway! I said black, she picked the blue ones!
Silly how little things stick in your head! That reminds me i must buy a new pair of walking shoes!
Sandy
 
Hi Trinkwasser,
i have been and read the site! Must admit it does sound a bit like my mum! I remember my gran and granddad talking about my mum always being this way!
I have always loved her and i always will!
I think for my own sake at the minute i ahev to back off and keep my distance to be able to keepo myself sane at the minute!
Sandy
 
Jeez Sandy, this sounds like a truly awful ordeal you're going through.
It makes it even more admirable that you are such a kind and thoughtful person when your upbringing might have pushed you in another direction completely. I think you ought to be very proud of your compassionate feelings in such tough circumstances.
Thinking of you,

fergus
 
Hi Fergus,
i always said i would never be like my mum! I have feelings and i am always there for others!
I could never cope being like her!
I have always tried to be helpful towards everyone! That is just me! I always try my hardest to show a happy face even when i am hurting deep inside!
Sandy
 
sandymaynard said:
Hi Trinkwasser,
i have been and read the site! Must admit it does sound a bit like my mum! I remember my gran and granddad talking about my mum always being this way!
I have always loved her and i always will!
I think for my own sake at the minute i ahev to back off and keep my distance to be able to keepo myself sane at the minute!
Sandy
Click to expand...

I married one so I know a bit what you're going through.
 
Hi Trinkwasser,
i phoned the hospital to see how she is doing, I am keeping a eye on her just at arms length! The doctor said she is better than what she was! I said that don't tell her that i have phoned!
I phoned haley as she is at home! we are going to take the dog back tomorrow to them! As mum gets released on tuesday! So we said that we will drop the dog off tomorrow!
haley said that best bet for timebeing for my own sanity to stear clear of her!
I don't want to do this! But I have no chance of anything else! i want a mother daughter relationship! Never had one with her, doubt i ever will!
Just have to sit on sidelines, i am used to it done it since a child!
Sandy
 
Hang in there sweetie - whatever her reasons for behaving like this (and a lot of it could be fear!), you are doing all you can to be there. Just remember though that you also need taking care of!!!

Like everyione says, we are all thinking of you - my father isn't a million miles off your mum in terms of attitude. He blamed everything on his (Type 1) diabetes but in actual fact I think it's just the way he is. He emigrated to Portugal last year without even telling me (I only found out when his brother (my uncle) asked me if I had his new address - how embarrassing was that?

Still, he's no-longer in my life (his choice), and he's the one missing out. I spent nearly 10 years after my parent's divorce trying to maintain some kind of relationship with him, but have come to accept that it will never happen unless it's all on his terms.

Some people have deep-rooted problems that unless they face up to can never really be addressed. My sister has used our childhood as an excuse to 'drop out' of life. She's had drugs issues, depression, and refuses to work.

I can't comment oon your mum but think that you, like me, have tried to make the best out of a lousy situation. We try to see the good in people, spread happiness where we can, and take comfort in helping others.

Without having been through some of this I'm not sure we'd have the capacity to understand others.

Hang in there my lovely, remember you have lots of people who care a great deal for you, and remember what a difference you make. It's other people who don't get it.

All the best
ma5on x
 
Hi Mason
You sound very much like me! I have tried to maintain a good relationship with her!
I feel for you! My mother is so different to me and i am so glad! I am a person who goes out of their way for others and i try to help as much as i can!
I was the sort of kid who was a carer for my mum, Until my grandparents god rest their souls died when i was 12 they took me out of there from age 8 to age 12!
I am here stronger for what she has put me through! I am not bitter or twisted justa kind gentle loving person!
as Xrs my fiancee says you can't pick your family! But you can pick your friends! I am so glad that i found this forum and all the good people here who have offered me support and advice!
It is good to know that i am not alone in what i am going through!
Sandy
 
Sometimes these things seem to resolve with age, and in women sometimes with menopause. Sadly sometimes they never do and it sounds like your mum is firmly in that camp. :(

I get on pretty well with my mother (her main problems are getting old and frustrated with her inabilites) and some other relatives but I'm sure I was never related to some of the other ones at all! At one stage I "adopted" a friend's family as I felt much closer to most of them.
 
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