@#$% it.

[GoRachel1989]

Lately, I've been on the verge of giving up. Maybe I shouldn't be alive anyway. If it weren't for modern medicine, I wouldn't be. My body has proven itself to be a failure. If things were to go really bad in my country, and the insulin supply were to run out, I would be in deep dookie... The sad part is, where I live, I can easily see things going in that direction. These thoughts are always at the back of my mind. It doesn't help that I feel like a burden to everybody. Hell, at the moment, I am a burden. (Mind you, I am referring to no one else but myself with these words.)

Who am I trying to fool? Even when I do seem to get things under control, it isn't for long... I keep thinking, "How long before my first complication?" "How long do I have to get things right, before it's too late?"

I have no motivation anymore. I should be getting out of the house, getting some exercise, and clearing my head... but would rather shut myself in, sleep all day, and remain in a haze. I'm not sure why I keep doing this to myself...or why I even bother to keep myself alive.

 

[rosserk]

Good morning, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and I'm sure there's nothing I can say that will make you feel any better about yourself or your situation.

Sometimes when we are feeling low its good to think about our own problems in relation to others who might also have a reason to feel the same. I'm sure some of the good people on this forum who have been in your shoes will be along soon with some advice about coping with how you're feeling.

The other day I took part in a discussion that inspired me to think about the daily struggle some people face with their health and it made me think how lucky I was. I've posted the link for you to read and hopefully you will also be inspired by their stories about how they've faced life threatening complications and come through the other side. It really does show just how resilient people can be when faced with serious illness. I really hope you can pick yourself up and move on from the dark cloud that's hanging over you and move on with your life, try and stay positive. You've already made a massive step by admitting to 100s of strangers just how low you're actually feeling. Please take care and I hope you'll feel better soon x


http://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/anyone-got-worse-luck-with-health-than-me.84213/#post-948289

 

[yingtong]

HiGoRachell1989,I've been Type 1 for over 53 years and have survived with only a couple of very minor complications.I have lived a almost normal life,I did this by learning all I can about diabetes and within reason sticking to the rules.I have played many sports and football at a semi-professional level.I four children and a wonderful wife,I have worked in many countries of the world in the Construction Industry.I am now 67 years old and still live a very full life.I am sure with a little perseverance you can do the same.I wish you very Good Luck and I am sure you will sort yourself out.

 

[catherinecherub]

Sounds a bit like burnout to me @GoRachel1989
This article gives some strategies to help so that you do not feel overwhelmed constantly.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/managing-type-1-diabetes/avoid-diabetes-burnout/

I was thinking today of how bad it must be for refugees fleeing their countries if they have diabetes. How would they cope and where would they be able to get supplies?

 

[GoRachel1989]

Good morning, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low and I'm sure there's nothing I can say that will make you feel any better about yourself or your situation.

Sometimes when we are feeling low its good to think about our own problems in relation to others who might also have a reason to feel the same. I'm sure some of the good people on this forum who have been in your shoes will be along soon with some advice about coping with how you're feeling.

The other day I took part in a discussion that inspired me to think about the daily struggle some people face with their health and it made me think how lucky I was. I've posted the link for you to read and hopefully you will also be inspired by their stories about how they've faced life threatening complications and come through the other side. It really does show just how resilient people can be when faced with serious illness. I really hope you can pick yourself up and move on from the dark cloud that's hanging over you and move on with your life, try and stay positive. You've already made a massive step by admitting to 100s of strangers just how low you're actually feeling. Please take care and I hope you'll feel better soon x


http://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/anyone-got-worse-luck-with-health-than-me.84213/#post-948289

Thank you... this disease has been getting me down a bit, and I've only had it for a few months.

I've been noticing these days whenever I would go to the hospital pharmacy to pick up new insulin, they're fresh out. I would try other public centres, and either they don't supply the brand of insulin that I use, or they're out. The same thing goes for the private pharmacies...

These days, I haven't really been getting my insulin from a consistent place, due to their stock running out. It has me a bit worried, and I'm hoping that it's not like this every single time I have to pick up some new insulin. I'm not sure how long the pharmacies in my country generally take to re-stock... looks like I'll have to find that out.

I know that there are others out there who are going through much worse... I guess I would like to be able to manage my condition and stave off as many complications as possible, and I won't be able to do those things - let alone survive - without my insulin supply. That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and worried whenever there are apparent obstacles to me getting my insulin. I just hope the stock doesn't run out all over the country at any point in time. (I remember something similar happened with my brand of birth control pills. Various pharmacies at different ends of the country had run out of stock at the same time.) Maybe I'm worrying too much, though.

 

[GoRachel1989]

Sounds a bit like burnout to me @GoRachel1989
This article gives some strategies to help so that you do not feel overwhelmed constantly.

http://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/managing-type-1-diabetes/avoid-diabetes-burnout/

I was thinking today of how bad it must be for refugees fleeing their countries if they have diabetes. How would they cope and where would they be able to get supplies?

I was thinking the same thing, actually... not just refugees, but persons living in poverty-stricken and/or war-torn areas. I could have just as easily ended up being born in one of those places, instead of in Trinidad, but luckily I wasn't... and that's the thought that bothers me the most, I suppose. Despite the imperfections within my own country's healthcare system, I am grateful that I am at least able to manage the disease here. And I hope I continue to be able to do so...

 

[rosserk]

Thank you... this disease has been getting me down a bit, and I've only had it for a few months.

I've been noticing these days whenever I would go to the hospital pharmacy to pick up new insulin, they're fresh out. I would try other public centres, and either they don't supply the brand of insulin that I use, or they're out. The same thing goes for the private pharmacies...

These days, I haven't really been getting my insulin from a consistent place, due to their stock running out. It has me a bit worried, and I'm hoping that it's not like this every single time I have to pick up some new insulin. I'm not sure how long the pharmacies in my country generally take to re-stock... looks like I'll have to find that out.

I know that there are others out there who are going through much worse... I guess I would like to be able to manage my condition and stave off as many complications as possible, and I won't be able to do those things - let alone survive - without my insulin supply. That said, I can't help but feel frustrated and worried whenever there are apparent obstacles to me getting my insulin. I just hope the stock doesn't run out all over the country at any point in time. (I remember something similar happened with my brand of birth control pills. Various pharmacies at different ends of the country had run out of stock at the same time.) Maybe I'm worrying too much, though.

Absolutely not. You have every right to be worried and I'd probably feel exactly the same as you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to traipse from chemist to chemist to find the one thing that keeps you going, particularly when you don't feel well. You never said what Country you were in? Is there a different brand of insulin that's in greater supply that would suit your needs?

 

[GoRachel1989]

Absolutely not. You have every right to be worried and I'd probably feel exactly the same as you. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have to traipse from chemist to chemist to find the one thing that keeps you going, particularly when you don't feel well. You never said what Country you were in? Is there a different brand of insulin that's in greater supply that would suit your needs?

I'm from Trinidad and Tobago... I guess I'm going to have to ask the doctor about a different brand at my next appointment. I've only been diagnosed a few months ago, so I'm pretty inexperienced in all of this, and I am not all that aware of the way things are with respect to insulin supplies in the country. For the first two months, things went pretty smoothly when it came to getting my medication. Then after that, I noticed that I had to do some searching around in order to get all of my supplies, because certain places were out of stock. Being new to all of this, I am not sure how often this sort of thing happens here. I suppose it could be a lot worse, though.

 

[rosserk]

I'm from Trinidad and Tobago... I guess I'm going to have to ask the doctor about a different brand at my next appointment. I've only been diagnosed a few months ago, so I'm pretty inexperienced in all of this, and I am not all that aware of the way things are with respect to insulin supplies in the country. For the first two months, things went pretty smoothly when it came to getting my medication. Then after that, I noticed that I had to do some searching around in order to get all of my supplies, because certain places were out of stock. Being new to all of this, I am not sure how often this sort of thing happens in my country.

Hopefully your doctor will be able to advise you on supplies and availability. I'm afraid I don't know much about insulin but is it possible to build up a stock pile so you always have an emergency supply? I'm sure part of the reason you're feeling down is fearing the unknown. Have you looked into changing your diet to low carb high fat? Once you start feeling better hopefully you'll be able to deal with the challenges you're facing. Learn as much as you can from the forum there's always someone available to offer some helpfull advice. Ask lots of questions the more you learn the more in control you'll feel.

 

[ButtterflyLady]

One thing I would suggest is phoning the pharmacy well ahead of when you are going to run out, and asking them to put some aside for you. You could also find out how much you are allowed to have and how long it will last in your fridge.

 

[Erin85]

Hi GoRachel1989. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low. I suffer depression and had a bit of a meltdown last week, not helped by the Diabetes and hypo's experienced and so I can understand how you are feeling. I am struggling to find a reason to get up every day, but today I am thinking differently. I am looking at today as a new day, week and after a quiet weekend feel like I have a little more strength to keep fighting. I read someone on this forum say that they stopped thinking 'why me?' and instead 'why not me?', which has helped me feel a little less down. I have had the same feelings as you re. my body is a failure and if it was survival of the fittest I would be the first gone. I had to have life-saving heart surgery at 7months old, and if I had to wait for the surgery where I live, I would have died. Luckily, I was born in South Africa where my Dad was working at the time and was able to have this surgery. Whenever I feel like I don't know what the point is, I think of my younger self as a tiny baby fighting, and think, I'm doing it for her, she deserves a future. My parents deserve a daughter. I don't know if this helps you any, if not, I'm sorry for the rant. I would also suggest exercise. It doesn't need to be a marathon run or anything, but even a walk outside in the fresh air for 30mins can lift your mood, and even help you sleep better at night. With regards to the lack of insulin availability in your area, I would be asking for a repeat prescription before you run out (as advised above) and leaving your prescription with the pharmacy for a few days to place your order and get your insulin in on time (if that is the process where you are). If not, you can keep insulin in your fridge for quite a while (I don't know the exact length of time but it is much longer than out of the fridge). Once out of the fridge, it needs to be used within a month. I usually have anywhere between 2 and 5 of each of my insulin pens (depending on how many are provided in a box) and once I take the second last from the box, I call my surgery for a repeat prescription.

You have come this far, and are doing great. Try not to worry about a situation which has not yet happened (although I know this is difficult) and try to think of ways you can have a back-up plan, or plan-b, just in case.

I wish you all the best. Keep fighting, you can do it

Erin x x

 

[GoRachel1989]

Hopefully your doctor will be able to advise you on supplies and availability. I'm afraid I don't know much about insulin but is it possible to build up a stock pile so you always have an emergency supply? I'm sure part of the reason you're feeling down is fearing the unknown. Have you looked into changing your diet to low carb high fat? Once you start feeling better hopefully you'll be able to deal with the challenges you're facing. Learn as much as you can from the forum there's always someone available to offer some helpfull advice. Ask lots of questions the more you learn the more in control you'll feel.

I have no interest in LCHF, and I doubt I ever will. It is impractical, unrealistic and unsustainable for me... not to mention depressing. I'd rather inject all of my insulin at once and die if there is no other way for me to manage this disease.

One thing I would suggest is phoning the pharmacy well ahead of when you are going to run out, and asking them to put some aside for you. You could also find out how much you are allowed to have and how long it will last in your fridge.

They would not do that. I would not put that upon them either, because there are probably other people who would need that insulin right away.

 

[Emmotha]

I have no interest in LCHF, and I doubt I ever will. It is impractical, unrealistic and unsustainable for me... not to mention depressing. I'd rather inject all of my insulin at once and die if there is no other way for me to manage this disease.

Hello,

Sorry to hear about your struggles :-(

Could you reduce your carbs for some meals? I only say this, because you would be using less insulin, and your insulin would last a bit longer allowing you to build it up and get a piece of mind? There are some really surprisingly good recipes to try, and could give you something positive to experiment with?

Also, have you got a Frio pouch? I imagine its quite hot there and this helps keep your insulin cool so you wont have to waste any from over heating x

 

[GoRachel1989]

Since I've been diagnosed about 4 months ago, I don't recall ever having a single full week WITHOUT highs and lows.
Every day, or every other day, there is at least one reading that is above target.
Every day, or every other day, there is at least one reading that is below target as well...
I'm going to go right ahead and guess that that's NOT a good thing.

If I keep this up, I wonder how long it will take for the complications to start kicking in... 5 years? Maybe less?

I cannot stick to a rigid diet, and I do not want to. I don't see the point of living if my life has to be so carefully restricted, day in and day out, just to avoid becoming a blind amputee on dialysis. And there is no guarantee that I'll be able to stave off complications anyway by keeping "tight" control. All of it could be for nothing.

Maybe I just need to accept that I am probably never going to be able to manage this disease as well as most of the people here, and that I'm living on borrowed time anyway. My life should have ended a few months ago. It probably would have been better if it had. If only my mother had held off on calling that ambulance, and if I had just kept unknowingly drinking that Gatorade... things probably would have been different.

I haven't seen a shrink in ages. I haven't been taking my psych meds. I am relying on other substances in order to help me cope with merely existing...

I joined the community in hopes that I could learn more about the disease and managing it, but I probably should have just kept to myself as usual. This disease is only manageable if everything that you need is readily available and affordable.

Also, have you got a Frio pouch? I imagine its quite hot there and this helps keep your insulin cool so you wont have to waste any from over heating x

No, I don't have a Frio pouch. I don't think they sell them here. I've searched for it, and never found it.

 

[ButtterflyLady]

I really encourage you to keep taking any medication prescribed for you and to see a doctor as soon as possible. If you can see a shrink and carefully go back onto your psych meds I think that will really help. I'm guessing your GP will be able to advise you about going back onto your psych meds if it's safest to do it gradually. Please see a doctor... life is worth living, even with health problems and difficulty getting medications. Is there someone you can talk to, such as family or friends or a counsellor?

 

[Erin85]

Try to take each day as it comes, GoRachel1989. I agree with CatLadyNZ above, taking your psych meds will most likely help get your head out of its negative fog and everything seem more manageable. I don't think I could low carb either. I know that we all have target levels, but it would be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to meet these every reading, every day!! Complication risks become higher with high Hba1c's. I don't know how high, or for what length of time they need to be high for complications to happen, but a high and low reading a week will not result in a high hba1c. There are people who have had diabetes for 30+, 40+, 50+ years and have no, or only have minor complications. These diabetics would have been diagnosed at a time when a lot less was available and known about diabetes. We are in a position where our condition is manageable (and it is manageable - with a high and low reading a week, it sounds like you are managing a lot better than you think you are).

I hope you find some light today and wish you all the best. Take care x x

 

[ButtterflyLady]

Try to take each day as it comes, GoRachel1989. I agree with CatLadyNZ above, taking your psych meds will most likely help get your head out of its negative fog and everything seem more manageable. I don't think I could low carb either. I know that we all have target levels, but it would be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to meet these every reading, every day!! Complication risks become higher with high Hba1c's. I don't know how high, or for what length of time they need to be high for complications to happen, but a high and low reading a week will not result in a high hba1c. There are people who have had diabetes for 30+, 40+, 50+ years and have no, or only have minor complications. These diabetics would have been diagnosed at a time when a lot less was available and known about diabetes. We are in a position where our condition is manageable (and it is manageable - with a high and low reading a week, it sounds like you are managing a lot better than you think you are).

I hope you find some light today and wish you all the best. Take care x x

There is some info in this blog post about the kinds of levels and timeframes it might take to get complications:
http://diabetesupdate.blogspot.co.nz/2008/06/how-long-does-it-take-to-develop.html

I found it reassuring.

 

[GoRachel1989]

Try to take each day as it comes, GoRachel1989. I agree with CatLadyNZ above, taking your psych meds will most likely help get your head out of its negative fog and everything seem more manageable. I don't think I could low carb either. I know that we all have target levels, but it would be nearly IMPOSSIBLE to meet these every reading, every day!! Complication risks become higher with high Hba1c's. I don't know how high, or for what length of time they need to be high for complications to happen, but a high and low reading a week will not result in a high hba1c. There are people who have had diabetes for 30+, 40+, 50+ years and have no, or only have minor complications. These diabetics would have been diagnosed at a time when a lot less was available and known about diabetes. We are in a position where our condition is manageable (and it is manageable - with a high and low reading a week, it sounds like you are managing a lot better than you think you are).

I hope you find some light today and wish you all the best. Take care x x

I said that I get a high reading and a low reading almost every day...

I have several highs and lows during the week.

 

[Emmotha]

I said that I get a high reading and a low reading almost every day...

I have several highs and lows during the week.

Hello,

I think even the best practiced diabetics still get highs and lows. You said you are relatively recently diagnosed? Sounds like you are being really hard on yourself. It all takes time to get your head around and it's like anything, you will get more used to it with time I promise.

You've made a great start by sharing your thoughts on the forum, so that shows part of you is not ready to give up, but seek advice.

I would definitely speak to your doctor / healthcare about insulin availability and whether other brands will be easier to get a hold of.

Don't give up, take it day by day if you can and keep coming back to the forum for advice

 

[Erin85]

I said that I get a high reading and a low reading almost every day...

I have several highs and lows during the week.

Apologies GoRachel1989, I did mean to write "a few high and low readings a week". I am the same. Some days are fine then another I could have 2 hypo's and 3 highs in one day. No-one is perfect, and all diabetics taking insulin unfortunately face these challenges. Can I ask if you are in a honeymoon period? (Eg. Is your body producing any of its own insulin). The reason I ask is because this can have an impact on your bg levels. Also, many experience a high after a low (before the body stores the extra glucose in the liver for storage)