Jokes to cheer us up

[Robinredbreast]

I thought we could do with a bit of laugh right now, please feel free to add on to the thread, The more the merrier

The hairdryer :lol:




A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, what may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, " Reverend Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next

 

[GraceK]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

 

[Robinredbreast]

Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)


A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.


Four worms were placed into four separate jars.


The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.


The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.


The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.


The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.


At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol... Dead



.

The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.








The third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead.






The fourth worm in good, clean soil...Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back of the church and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

 

[Giverny]

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

 

[rinfrance]

Diabetic Doctors!!!
If you do not see that as funny, then you have not been diabetic long enough to understand the ramifications of what the above implies.
Certainly ALL the diabetics I know and have been for a long time will probably agree. There are a few that are spot on, not many though!

 

[Superchip]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER***

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will
this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I
stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”



Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ass didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again,

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

*Stupid, stupid man.*

 

[Robinredbreast]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER***

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will
this take?” I ask.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies. I
stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”



Without missing a beat he says, “Worked for your ass didn't it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again,

although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

*Stupid, stupid man.*

Brilliant :lol: :lol: V good

RRB

 

[WeeWillie]

Some great ones posted folks, 'tis good to have a good old belly laugh. :thumbup: :lol:

====================================================================


An Irishman goes to his village Doctor with botty problems....

"Doctor, it's me bottam. I'd like ya ta take a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well for goodnessake take it out man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, thank ya kindly, dat's much butter. Just out of interest, how much was in there then?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, that'd be right", says the Irishman...........
.
.
.
.
.
.
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"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

 

[Superchip]

OH that last one deserves an enormous nuclear type GROAN ! BRILLIANT
On the laughter stakes JOB DONE

Cheers Willie, Wee or otherwise !

 

[Robinredbreast]

Some great ones posted folks, 'tis good to have a good old belly laugh. :thumbup: :lol:

====================================================================


An Irishman goes to his village Doctor with botty problems....

"Doctor, it's me bottam. I'd like ya ta take a look, if ya would".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well for goodnessake take it out man! "shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Doctor, thank ya kindly, dat's much butter. Just out of interest, how much was in there then?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, that'd be right", says the Irishman...........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.







"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

That ones a big groan willie, oh dear :wink: :lol: Thank you :thumbup: RRB

 

[Robinredbreast]

Amish Elevator

A 15 yr old boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked " what is it father?" The father ( never having seen an elevator) responded. " Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I do not know what it is"

Whilst the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up towards the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 20 something blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman said quietly to his son....
>
>
>
>
>
>~
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
" Go get your mother"

RRB

 

[Winterhawk]

Re: Jokes to cheer us up....Highway to Bermuda

A motorcyclist had been doing a lot of charity work and God seeing this decided to reward him for his efforts over the years. So while the biker was taking a break watching an especially nice sunset god manifested himself to the biker and said
"for years you have been doing charity work, helping others without thinking of yourself and now I have decided to reward you my son. What can I give you?
The biker thought for a few minutes and said "I would like a highway from here to Bermuda so I can ride over there whenever I want."
"That's quite a request son"said the lord.. " think how much steel and concrete it will take, how much effort it will take to sink the supports to the bottom of the ocean...it's not impossible but it's very very difficult... Could you perhaps think of something a little less complicated..something that is not such an enormous task"?
The biker thought for a few minutes..
"How about giving men the power to understand women, what they are thinking and how they feel. Let us understand why they cry , what they mean when they say nothing is wrong .. Give us the knowledge to know how to make them happy".
God thought about this for a moment..
"That highway to Bermuda....do you want two lanes or four"?

 

[Eijack]

The Grocer had an affair with the lady hairdresser three doors down the street, A baby boy was born, the grocer told her that he couldn't afford any maintainence as his bussiness was in dept and he owes a lot of money to a lot fo people, but if she was agreeable he would give her a big box of groceries every Friday afternoon until the boy was 16', she agreed, he was as good as his word and every Friday afternoon she had a box of groceries, Years later the boy came for his mothers groceries and the Grocer asked him how old he was " well tomorrow I will be 16 " he said, " good " said the grocer " take this box of groceries home to your mother and tell her that is the last box she will get from me , and just watch the expression on her face!" The boy told his mother what the grocer had said and she said" you go and tell the grocer that you was never his anyway, and watch the expression on his face!"