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Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

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But what is your sign Donald?
 
@Enclave @pavlosn @alliebee @dianagrace @catherinecherub @AndBreathe

Looks like I have got some criticism today about the way I am dealing with this......am not at all surprised and probably deserve it....

....I have tried to talk to him about it but he just refuses to want to know anything about it....so what can I do....

....have probably backed off physically and mentally from the problem for a while which in one way is a good thing (for myself) but know that this is not really addressing the problem.....

Thank you as always for all your thoughts and suggestions....it gives me something to work on....
 
Have just been looking at blood sugar readings over the last month....not that many as he is still not really testing without my prompting / suggestion but at least there are some...
The last reading was on the 27th Oct and was 13.9......readings taken over our holiday period ranged between 12.1 and a high of 19.8 (all taken a good few hours after eating).....before our holiday readings were generally in the range of between 9.3 and 10.8 first thing in the morning when he got up ....the lowest reading was 8.7
I know that I should probably be concerned by these readings but what can I do if he is not bothered by them....he really just doesn't see it as a problem...
Am going to make the appointment with the diabetic nurse later to get the results of his HbA1c taken at the beginning of this week....will make it at a convenient time for me to attend so that I get to hear the verdict........is best that I make the appointment as I know that he will put it off / make some excuse / say he forgot....
......am guessing people will tell me that I should leave it to him but frankly that just won't work....
 
What can you do about it? What can you do??

Frankly Molly, in my view, it’s time for a very direct conversation between the two of you, along the lines of “You have 3 months to make a material difference in this, or you have to go”.

If he is lying in bed all day, he has time to research and learn about the condition which would change his life within three months, whatever he does. If he makes a sustained, positive change, and you would have to agree an acceptable target, then he is on a rolling clock in terms of maintaining the changes. If he doesn’t make changes, then, in my view, it’s time for him to go and sort his life out for himself. He’s living the life he wants, for now.

If you can’t have this discussion with him, then you have to stop moaning about how awful it is, living with him as he is, because I reiterate, you are enabling it. You provide the roof over his head. You provide the bed he lies in. You shop for food for you both. And you do not address the crisis he is currently in, with no prospect of that improving.

If this man was performing this way in a job, he’d be moving down the disciplinary route, and making his way to the exit, due to non-compliance/under-performance in the most basic tasks. I know life isn’t a job, but if you don’t want your job to be 24 hour nursing a self-indulgent, self-inflicted invalid, then you have to take control now.

Woe is me no longer cuts it, with me anyway.

That’s my last on the subject as reading your response and writing this has probably raised my blood pressure.

An old boss of mine used to call times like this the “Fix it, or F’ off” moments.
 
I'd call it a 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health' moment.
 
douglas99 said:
I'd call it a 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health' moment.
Click to expand...
That works both ways .. If he loves Molly, I mean really loves .. The kind of love that will have him fight dragons to save her, then he will listen to what Molly is saying to him. He will do what he needs to do to keep them both safe. He will take controll of his diabites.. He's has this condition for so many years now he should have had the time to work out how to keep his sugars down.. Or at least take Molly offer of help to manage his sugar and diet ... Molly you must try to find a way to get through to him how much this is hurting you. If he wants to hurt himself.. That's fine .. But he's not just hurting himself is he...
 
Enclave said:
.................... If he wants to hurt himself.. That's fine .. ...
Click to expand...

I suspect Molly thinks differently, and that's what you have to understand, and why she isn't walking away, or intending to walk away.
 

@AndBreathe, I salute you.

I have tried to keep out of your threads, @Molly56 because I haven't found a way of presenting what AndBreathe has said without being too forceful. And I will keep this short to avoid being too forceful now.

All relationship issues are 50/50. One person acts, the other reacts. It's a team. A language. A game.

Every time one partner behaves in a certain way, and the other partner allows that behaviour to continue, they reinforce it. That is wonderful with positive traits, but for negative traits, allowing/ignoring/smiling and letting it pass is actually a passively manipulative way of encouraging that behaviour to continue.

It is very destructive to both people in the relationship.
 
My wife smokes. We both know it will kill her. She keeps saying she will stop, but we both know she wont. I have spent 25 years trying to get her to stop.
But I love her so will accept whatever she does. It is not easy living with someone who is killing themselves.
 
Have been thinking about how best to respond to some of the recent comments on this thread ....I guess I deserve some of the criticism being thrown around and it was to be expected. I did have a long response written in my head but perhaps it would be best to keep it brief for now....

This is my way of dealing with the situation that I am in and writing it down here helps me to organise my thoughts.

I appreciate the support from members of the forum and the advice that they give.....whether I choose to follow that advice or follow a different path because it is more appropriate to my situation is down to me.

For those that don't like what I write or what they read in this thread the simple choice is don't read it.........
 
Molly, we are with you on this journey .. Your not alone .. Sometimes I post hard things and my not seem supportive, but in my own way I am still trying to support you. I had not realised your OH has already got nerve damage .. My advice has again changed to ..... Make life as comfy as possible for him... He must be worried sick about this .. But being an Aquarius he will hide all this from you... He thinks he must be beyond any point of changing and with this in mind ...... Just let him know you love him .... Keep him safe ... Ask him to read and research his condition, as he may still be able to turn this around and feel better ... Don't mistake his fear for stubboness .. Let him know that you will support him in any life choice he makes ...
 
Dear Molly

You may not like some of the advice you have received but you should not doubt that it is well intentioned and motivated by a genuine desire to help you.

Even those of us that feel somewhat frustrated by what we perceive as a hesitancy on your part to take the bull by the horns and resolve a situation that by your own admission you are less than happy about, respect the fact that this is your life to live and your choices to make.

I believe that all who have contributed, perhaps those whose advice you have found hard to hear most of all, have contributed out of genuine concern for you.

There is only so many times we can express sympathy for you though if we feel that you are contributing to your situation.
 
If I was your partner I would be devastated to read the things you are writing and implying. You started out by asking advice and then move on to moaning and critisizing. I equally a don't understand why if you are the person buying and preparing the food - why you purchase the type of foods that are bad for him. Lots of good people on here have taken the trouble to advise you and offer you their sympathy and it seems to me you have an excuse for everything, someone once told me that they are victims and their are people who want to be victims. You need to decide which one you are.
 
I'm inclined to think that the most important thing is how do we encourage a type II diabetic to do the right things and have decent control of their BG. I see certain elements of what I've read here in my own father and it is very frustrating, especially as my father has already had a toe amputated and was lucky it wasn't more. For example, his answer to high readings in the afternoon is not to measure in the afternoon, I've almost gone bald pulling my hair out, he cannot be told, but I have told him that I will not be making daily round trips of 100+ miles (depends on hospital) to see him if there's another complication.
Personal relationships are very difficult to comment on, what really annoys one person is perfectly acceptable to someone else, that's how relationships work, or don't work.
Perhaps it's possible that we have exhausted all the suggestions that we can make to help the situation. Just thinking aloud here, I can't even sort my own father out, and I've known him for 62 years.
BTW, it's true what they say, our parents become child like in their behaviour just to get their own back.
 

Kezzer.. I think Molly56 has hugely changed foods but her OH just does his own thing when she not around, or on hols etc.

Molly has taken on board everything to assist her partner, but is at times worn down by his total apathy to life, let alone his diabetes.

If molly56 comes here for a sometime winge, then that is good... We are all i dividuals.. One size does not fit all. So support to a partner of a non compliant D is still hugely important...

I see strength in Molly, but a hugely caring lady too. I also recognise how much unpaid carers in this world need good support and time to let off steam.
 
Hi I have read with interest your dilemma with your partner & it's definitely a difficult one. My suggestion would be not be so soft. When you go with him to the nurse, and she gives her advice, then why don't you interject when he promises what he will do and tell her directly whats happening, maybe if your nurse at least hears the truth and possibly your partner would be embarrassed by what he is telling her, it may accomplish him to realise how serious you are and the nurse may also be be able to emphasize thew importance of what the recommendations are for his health and even maybe your relationship.

Try it I don't think you have anything to lose......
 
DN already know the truth they are not blind made the same promises every day and all they need to do is look at hba1c results if in any doubt. I would say the only thing that should be done is if he drives be forced to stop even if that means letting the dvla and police know as he can kill someone else. Killing himself is fine he has already decided to do that.
 
I have had to go back to read your original post @Molly56 to check that we have actually answered you properly. Your original posted is dated 18th June and in your opening sentence you asked for advice.

421 posts later, I feel we have answered you. The advice ranges from what your partner should do, shouldn't do, what you should do and shouldn't do, whether to involve his children or not, how to get you through your wonderful holiday together, the sharing of our personal experiences and knowledge of good and bad relationships, suggestions for professional support, and encouragement in your new business venture.

While you feel you are being criticised, I don't believe you are but perhaps you could try and see it from our perspective that after 5 months of genuine advice, support, concern and encouragement, perhaps a few of us feel we can do no more and the rest really is now down to you and to him

Wishing you well in the future and do please let us know of his and your progress.
 
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