Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Molly56]

Big hugs. I know you're very worried but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink! He needs to accept responsibility for his own health! He is an adult and needs to start behaving like one. Like @donnellysdogs I wish I could wave a magic wand! Take care! X

@Scandichic ....I wish I could get him to drink more water...am sure this would help...he only has one or two small glasses a day with his tablets - in fact, sometimes he has his evening medication with a can of fizzy drink or a can of cider if I don't make a point of pouring him a glass of water...

Being better hydrated would probably help with his diabetes control....I think we are all guilty of not drinking enough water (me included!) but I really think that he needs to drink much more than he does.

Looks like there are a number of people looking for a magic wand.....will start searching for mine later .....thanks for the hug

 

[Molly56]

Oh Molly56... I so feel for you.

Like Connie.. I must admit I would have given up long ago.....

Paesonally, if this was just about fizzy drinks I would have said not to worry too much if he could get readings within normal realms. However, there has been a lot of info rearing its head on sweeteners in general making ys humans want to basically conaume more sweeter products whether they then be sweetened or carb laden.

Drinks are hard to think of huge recipes for... Itsnot easy. I hate cold drinks including water but haveone exception milk.. But again not a particularly good choice.. Its really difficult with drinks.

I rather feel that you are feeling quite down trodden today, I wish there was a fairy with just her wand to give you one wish... But I rather fear you would pick for your partner to have better health, than for that fairy to grant you something better for you....

I think it is always going to be a struggle for you until something comes along to change your partners attitude, but that is going to have to be one helluva major event...I don't think he values his life at all.

Have you had your blood results back from tests done? Are you keeping well? Sorry, sometimes the Carer's get forgotten....x

@donnellysdogs ...thank you for your message....I can see that it may sometimes look as if I am struggling to cope with things but at the moment I feel much more relaxed and philosophical about the situation....

As you say it will take some major event to change his attitude....a sentiment also expressed by my GP .....more a case of when this will be rather than if...

With regards to myself I have found a new sewing project to throw my efforts into......so a welcome distraction from other issues.

Have purchased a new sewing machine (which arrived yesterday) and am starting to make a variety of bags out of old jeans.....this is an idea I have had for some time and is perhaps something I would like to make into a small business / internet business in the future. The first two prototypes were completed last night so now for the next stage of research and development....showing to a couple of people today to get their views and suggestions for improvements.....

So far I have used one pair of his old jeans (put out for recycling) to make two different styles of bag....am thinking of using shirt material (also in recycling bag) to line them so will look at that later today...

in a weird sort of way I found this quite therapeutic...cutting up his old clothes to make something useful......lets just hope that I don't get that frustrated one day that I cut up his jeans that are hanging in the wardrobe.........

....have already got three other pairs of jeans cut up in preparation to make another six bags.....and have a number of pairs of jeans in a size that I know I will never get back into that I can also use for my new project....

Finally for now..am going to have my blood test on Thursday morning as doctor requested a fasting test....expect to get results early next week....will let you know how I get on....

 

[CarbsRok]

Thought today was going to be different.....he had actually got up by 9 o'clock!......how wrong was I?.....
After breakfast he promptly went back to bed ......and is still there .....
Looks like another day to myself......time for some me time .....housework done, now for some gardening

Has anyone made sure he actually understands that the reason he feels cr*p and sleeps all day is because his body is toxic with the amount of glucose in it? He lowers the glucose levels and he feels better. Too start with whilst his body adjusts to the lower levels he will not feel good.
He isn't being lazy by going back to bed like that, his body has gone into defence mode and is shutting down.
Op criteria is an A1c of about 8 I think. That is still way to high in my opinion but that what is touted by many hospitals.

 

[Indy51]

Has anyone made sure he actually understands that the reason he feels cr*p and sleeps all day is because his body is toxic with the amount of glucose in it? He lowers the glucose levels and he feels better. Too start with whilst his body adjusts to the lower levels he will not feel good.
He isn't being lazy by going back to bed like that, his body has gone into defence mode and is shutting down.
Op criteria is an A1c of about 8 I think. That is still way to high in my opinion but that what is touted by many hospitals.

I have to wonder about this as well. I used to do the same thing before diagnosis - eat breakfast (porridge) and be so tired I'd have to go back to sleep. After I was diagnosed with both Type 2 and Vitamin D3 deficiency, taking a supplement made all the difference in the world, even more so than getting my BG under control. Pretty good bet if he rarely sees sunshine that he is deficient too. It also causes depression and all sorts of bodily aches and pains. I'd encourage him to be tested for it.

 

[Molly56]

I have to wonder about this as well. I used to do the same thing before diagnosis - eat breakfast (porridge) and be so tired I'd have to go back to sleep. After I was diagnosed with both Type 2 and Vitamin D3 deficiency, taking a supplement made all the difference in the world, even more so than getting my BG under control. Pretty good bet if he rarely sees sunshine that he is deficient too. It also causes depression and all sorts of bodily aches and pains. I'd encourage him to be tested for it.

@Indy51 ....I think this has been suggested before .....vitamin D deficiency ....but don't know if the doctor has tested for it...will ask GP when I next see him.

Am encouraging my partner to take up fishing as this will get him outside a bit more.....he has been buying the stuff he needs so hopefully he can start this shortly...

Hopefully our forthcoming holiday will also help to top up our vitamin D....a bit of Caribbean sunshine is a great tonic

 

[catherinecherub]

Has anyone made sure he actually understands that the reason he feels cr*p and sleeps all day is because his body is toxic with the amount of glucose in it? He lowers the glucose levels and he feels better. Too start with whilst his body adjusts to the lower levels he will not feel good.
He isn't being lazy by going back to bed like that, his body has gone into defence mode and is shutting down.
Op criteria is an A1c of about 8 I think. That is still way to high in my opinion but that what is touted by many hospitals.

Couldn't agree more.
He also suffers from depression and I did read that when asked what he was looking forward to tomorrow his answer was "waking up". His depression may be so bad that he is feeling that he may not be able to wake up the next day as every day is a struggle for him and he thinks he is dying.
Whilst his diabetes control is something to aim for, I would suspect that his depression is also a major concern for him Depression saps your energy, makes you want to shut the world out and retreat to bed.

 

[Molly56]

@CarbsRok @catherinecherub

Has anyone made sure he actually understands that the reason he feels cr*p and sleeps all day is because his body is toxic with the amount of glucose in it? He lowers the glucose levels and he feels better. To start with whilst his body adjusts to the lower levels he will not feel good.
He isn't being lazy by going back to bed like that, his body has gone into defence mode and is shutting down.
Op criteria is an A1c of about 8 I think. That is still way to high in my opinion but that what is touted by many hospitals.

Couldn't agree more.
He also suffers from depression and I did read that when asked what he was looking forward to tomorrow his answer was "waking up". His depression may be so bad that he is feeling that he may not be able to wake up the next day as every day is a struggle for him and he thinks he is dying.
Whilst his diabetes control is something to aim for, I would suspect that his depression is also a major concern for him Depression saps your energy, makes you want to shut the world out and retreat to bed.

Just to reply to the two messages received above….

I agree that much of this can be put down to his badly controlled glucose levels and also to depression but just to clarify…..I do not believe that his depression is that bad that he is feeling that he may not be able to wake up the next day / every day is a struggle / he thinks he is dying

…..I believe that the comment he makes about “waking up” is more of a flippant answer to my question of what he is going to do tomorrow…..

In common with many men……quick apologies to any men that I have now offended…I think that he just does not plan what he is going to do tomorrow or the next day or the next day…….this may seem a bit of a generalisation but is not an uncommon scenario….

……………….Will now wait for all the replies that tell me I am wrong on this account….

As I see it, part of the problem is that when he retired a couple of years ago he had no plan of action for what to do in his retirement…..no real hobbies or interests to pick up on …..no social group of friends to keep in touch with….no sense of direction or purpose for what he wanted to do in his retirement years…..

Am just wondering how many people have also come across this scenario and want to own up to being in the same position….I expect we can all name at least one other person that this has happened to….I can think of several others….

Granted his ill health doesn’t help but I personally believe there is more to this situation than just his diabetes and depression. ….if he found something he enjoyed doing and was motivated to do …..a sense of purpose in life….he would feel much better in himself and it would help with some of his health issues….it is clearly a vicious circle but one that needs to be broken…

As I mentioned above I see this as a common scenario with some members of the population…but perhaps it looks different from a male perspective…I wouldn’t know, being a woman…

...had better leave it there for now before I offend anyone else…….huge apologies once again if I have

@CarbsRok ….thanks for the info about the op criteria….will give us something to aim for…am doubting whether that is achievable or not but will have to see what next blood test results come back at…

 

[CarbsRok]

Hi Molly, I'm 99.9% sure his sleeping like that is high blood sugars. He must have treacle going through his veins so thus his body his shutting down. High blood sugars also cause depression.
What exactly do you feed him on? As in what's his daily diet like?

 

[graj0]

“Diet foods and drinks are promoted to help you lose weight but compelling evidence shows that artificial sweeteners like aspartame cause weight gain rather than weight loss. That’s right, aspartame―which was once hailed as a wonder chemical because it tastes like sugar without the calories―actually makes you fatter, and adversely affects your blood glucose levels and insulin sensitivity.”

Weight gain is probably the least of your worries. You might like to look at the whole story. I mention this as someone whose partner worked for G D Searle, the inventors for want of a better word. I still remember how they rubbed their hands with glee after Ronald Reagan became president. He sacked the director of the FDA and appointed one of his mates to the job. FDA approval was then given for Aspartame after several years of being rejected. Aspartame had originally been used as a feed additive for cattle, somebody working in the factory noticed how sweet the air tasted and it was developed as a sweetener. Nasty stuff really.

 

[Molly56]

Weight gain is probably the least of your worries. You might like to look at the whole story. I mention this as someone whose partner worked for G D Searle, the inventors for want of a better word. I still remember how they rubbed their hands with glee after Ronald Reagan became president. He sacked the director of the FDA and appointed one of his mates to the job. FDA approval was then given for Aspartame after several years of being rejected. Aspartame had originally been used as a feed additive for cattle, somebody working in the factory noticed how sweet the air tasted and it was developed as a sweetener. Nasty stuff really.

@graj0.....am thinking it is probably best that I don't know the whole story but thanks anyway.....seems I have enough to worry about without adding to my worries and concerns....perhaps one day I will find out more but in the meantime will try and concentrate on some of the issues that are perhaps easier to solve.

Would like to think that I could persuade my partner to drink less of the fizzy drinks but I know that he is not going to change....so will just have to accept that and move on....

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly, I'm 99.9% sure his sleeping like that is high blood sugars. He must have treacle going through his veins so thus his body his shutting down. High blood sugars also cause depression.
What exactly do you feed him on? As in what's his daily diet like?

@CarbsRok ....
Have been thinking about the food situation for a while now and where possible am trying to steer him in the direction of the right types of food…

Have probably posted this on here before but just as a quick recap…

He tends to get up late so invariably he skips breakfast ….if he does have something it will be a bowl of porridge…he then tends to go out and have his lunch while I am out at work…this would probably be a sandwich / panini or bacon roll…..we then have dinner which I try and make as healthy as possible ….some type of meat plus selection of vegetables.

Other than that he will have occasional snacks…..he used to have a bowl of cereal in the evening but have hopefully broken that habit now (cereal has run out and not been replaced)….am trying to encourage eating nuts / cheese as more healthy snacks if required….he will also have a small yoghurt once a day…

Generally he doesn’t like the bread I eat so doesn’t have that, cakes, biscuits and desserts have been cut right back on (he will just buy these for me now rather than for himself as well)….so I was hoping that things would be getting a bit better….

As I have said before though I cannot be held responsible for what he chooses to eat when I am not here so if he is secretly eating other stuff then there is nothing I can do about that….

Just one final point to mention….his idea of losing weight is to say “I will just stop eating”….have tried to explain this is not the answer or a good idea as body just goes into panic mode and stores fat then rather than loses it……and not good for blood sugar control….


My view is that it is not necessarily the diet but more that the total lack of activity is probably the key factor….have pointed out that he needs to move more to use the food / energy otherwise it will just sit there and accumulate as weight gain…….also lack of activity does not help blood sugar control…..

Not sure if any of that answers your question....

…typed this quickly as have got to get ready for work now but will revisit this again later….hopefully I have managed to summarise the current situation ….any comments / suggestions welcomed…..

 

[graj0]

....am thinking it is probably best that I don't know the whole story but thanks anyway.....seems I have enough to worry about without adding to my worries and concerns....perhaps one day I will find out more but in the meantime will try and concentrate on some of the issues that are perhaps easier to solve.

Would like to think that I could persuade my partner to drink less of the fizzy drinks but I know that he is not going to change....so will just have to accept that and move on....

Apologies, you're absolutely right. If it's any consolation the only time you read about it in things like the BMJ or Lancet is when people are drinking gallons of "pop" with the stuff in. I've been trying to get my dad not to drink the diet cokes which he seems to get through gallons of and that in itself is interesting, he complies with suggestions for healthier living up to a point and then closes his ears all together. At 87 he feels that it doesn't matter any more. Selfishly I'm thinking that there's no way I'm driving at least 60 miles a day just to visit him in hospital if complications set in and he's already had a toe amputated (a complication because of an infection), lucky it wasn't more. I was spending 4 hours a day minimum, most days, visiting him for 6 weeks and I really can't manage that again, physically or mentally.
Look after yourself, all the best.
Graham
PS This was all red, no idea why.[/USER]
Something to do with the /USER in square brackets

 

[Molly56]

Apologies, you're absolutely right. If it's any consolation the only time you read about it in things like the BMJ or Lancet is when people are drinking gallons of "pop" with the stuff in. I've been trying to get my dad not to drink the diet cokes which he seems to get through gallons of and that in itself is interesting, he complies with suggestions for healthier living up to a point and then closes his ears all together. At 87 he feels that it doesn't matter any more. Selfishly I'm thinking that there's no way I'm driving at least 60 miles a day just to visit him in hospital if complications set in and he's already had a toe amputated (a complication because of an infection), lucky it wasn't more. I was spending 4 hours a day minimum, most days, visiting him for 6 weeks and I really can't manage that again, physically or mentally.
Look after yourself, all the best.
Graham
PS This was all red, no idea why.

@graj0 No apologies required......can understand your sentiments completely about not being prepared to do all that travelling again and the mental / physical stress it involves.
Had already started to think something similar myself in that if my partner gets some sort of complications through his own neglect of his condition then perhaps he will just have to deal with it himself........sounds harsh I know but I need to decide how far I am prepared to go in terms of caring for him and potentially giving up stuff myself in order to do so when I have a life of my own to lead.
As you rightly say I need to look after myself which is what I plan to do.....however selfish that may sound.

About your message being all in red....this happened to me once and I think it is where the quote somehow blends into the message...can't remember exactly how I rectified it but think it involved editing the message..
.just checking options / finding a solution for you.......if you look at the bar at the top of the message box when you are typing the underline 'A' (fourth one from left) is text colour so perhaps you can edit using this....hope that helps...

 

[AndBreathe]

@graj0 No apologies required......can understand your sentiments completely about not being prepared to do all that travelling again and the mental / physical stress it involves.
Had already started to think something similar myself in that if my partner gets some sort of complications through his own neglect of his condition then perhaps he will just have to deal with it himself........sounds harsh I know but I need to decide how far I am prepared to go in terms of caring for him and potentially giving up stuff myself in order to do so when I have a life of my own to lead.
As you rightly say I need to look after myself which is what I plan to do.....however selfish that may sound.

About your message being all in red....this happened to me once and I think it is where the quote somehow blends into the message...can't remember exactly how I rectified it but think it involved editing the message..
.just checking options / finding a solution for you.......if you look at the bar at the top of the message box when you are typing the underline 'A' (fourth one from left) is text colour so perhaps you can edit using this....hope that helps...

Molly, do you share all of these thoughts with him? I'm thinking specifically what you've said just there about potentially cutting him loose in dealing with complications?

 

[Molly56]

Molly, do you share all of these thoughts with him? I'm thinking specifically what you've said just there about potentially cutting him loose in dealing with complications?

@AndBreathe ...the quick answer is no....

The slightly longer answer is that whenever I try to speak to him about his diabetes he just clams up and doesn't want to talk about it....is still in denial mode I think.....

...am working now on self preservation....time to think about myself hence my recent visits to my GP and my comments in that recent post.

 

[AndBreathe]

@AndBreathe ...the quick answer is no....

The slightly longer answer is that whenever I try to speak to him about his diabetes he just clams up and doesn't want to talk about it....is still in denial mode I think.....

...am working now on self preservation....time to think about myself hence my recent visits to my GP and my comments in that recent post.

Whilst I can understand your frustration, I can't see things are going to change unless you communicate - even if it's a one way street. If he is working on the assumption you'll accept whatever comes your way, that's not fair on either of you. I know I have said before that sometimes a decent row can make a positive difference, but, in my view, without telling him where the land lies, you are encouraging the situation to continue.

On general terms, most relationships break down because of a lack of communication. "I had an affair because he/she doesn't understand me", "he/she doesn't appreciate me", "I feel I am taken for granted". Those are not exhaustive examples, but all of those things could, potentially, be headed off by a conversation, albeit an extremely uncomfortable one.

Whilst he does need to take more ownership of his issues, I see you as having issues to address too. You're living on planet frustration. He's living on planet oblivion. It's just a variation on Venus and Mars.

 

[Enclave]

It sound like he's living a separate life from you, not one of a devoted partner ! So unless you want to move out of this relationship, I would say just just lead your life separate from him now.. You know and I expect he knows what he is doing to himself .. So the more detached you become the less painful it will be for you.

Retirement from work for me was the opening of poverty and time.. So I can and enjoy every moment I have with my wife and dogs. Doing free stuff like walking,gardening and focusing on getting every hour of every day as happy and fit as possible. ( my heart problems can restrict this a little )

You must ask yourself .. Is this man wanting to just be alone .. Not part of a relationship with you in it. Life is way to short to be stuck in a loveless relationship.. Cut the emotional ties and just enjoy your own life now. If he wants to join in then that great .. Otherwise leave him to himself. Who knows mr right may just be around the corner .. Thinking of the song by Janice Joplin my wife plays to me if I am not in a good mood for a while .. It title is woman left lonely .. Just reminds me to stop shutting her out of how I feel, and we go forward together in this life whatever it throws at us.

 

[Indy51]

Exactly what do you get out of this relationship Molly? I can't help but wonder. Sounds like depression and frustration on every side to me.

 

[graj0]

@graj0
Had already started to think something similar myself in that if my partner gets some sort of complications through his own neglect of his condition then perhaps he will just have to deal with it himself........sounds harsh I know but I need to decide how far I am prepared to go in terms of caring for him and potentially giving up stuff myself in order to do so when I have a life of my own to lead.
As you rightly say I need to look after myself which is what I plan to do.....however selfish that may sound.

About your message being all in red....this happened to me once and I think it is where the quote somehow blends into the message...can't remember exactly how I rectified it but think it involved editing the message..
.just checking options / finding a solution for you.......if you look at the bar at the top of the message box when you are typing the underline 'A' (fourth one from left) is text colour so perhaps you can edit using this....hope that helps...

Not selfish, it's obvious from your posts that you care very much. In my case I have a compromise, I still make the journey to take dad to certain hospital appointments, even though it's cheaper for him to get a minicab. I get to see him for a couple of hours and I can make sure that he doesn't make too many politically incorrect comments to female members of nursing staff, he's a so and so sometimes, I cringe. The last time he was asking for a kiss because he was being good. WHAT!!!!!!!!! Slightly amusing and incredibly embarrassing, my mum wouldn't have allowed it, but sadly she's in a care home, although on the good side, extremely well looked after.
I didn't want anyone to think that my red message was shouting or angry or some etiquette that I don't have a clue about. Thanks for the lead, I'll have a look.
PS Sort of sussed.

 

[Sancho panza]

Exactly what do you get out of this relationship Molly? I can't help but wonder. Sounds like depression and frustration on every side to me.

Ive been reading both your threads for a while now Molly and I've got to admit I was wondering the same thing.
I'm sorry for your situation but you have to ask yourself what's in it for you and how much are you prepared to give.