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Lonely

C

CSW

Member
Messages
23
Location
United Kingdom
Please someone make me feel better. I have just split up with my fiance, 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. We both needed to get help about stuff but I just feel so lonely, hurt, upset, stupid do I need to go on? I am 34 on Monday and just can't see my life ahead of me, I'm not going to do anything stupid - am in work trying to hold it together when all I want to do is find a corner and cry for the rest of my life. Why can't I be happy?:(
 
hi
im sorry to hear what has happened i hope you feel better soon life will go on have you got any friends who you could go out with for your birthday and have a bit of fun with

sami
just found out
HbA1c 7.7
 
CSW - please dont be so sad. Firstly Happy Birthday for yesterday. Secondly, I have been divorced and also widowed in the last 12 years plus a host of other life crisis. Im now very happily married to a wonderful man, which if these other things had not happened, I would never have met. Life is strange and things happen for a reason which we cant always see at the time.

Cry if you must, it a good a release as any and you are in mourning for the relationship then in time, look on the bright side that you are still young and there is life ahead, its a case of getting on your glad rags and taking it slowly. You should reap the rewards over the long term, even if it seems like the end of the world now.

All good wishes to you
christie
 
Thanks Sami and Christie. I just feel really low and cannot see how I can go on. I have been crying since Saturday and I just wish I could change myself and my ex-fiance, we both did so well together but there has been so much pressure on us both lately that it has just been too hard.
 
(((Hugs)))
I know you must be devastated & feel absolutely awful.
I know it's a cliche, but things do get better. At the minute thoughts of your fiance encompass every thing. In time you'll find that you haven't thought about him for 5 mins, then an hour.
My husband had an affair with my best friend & I was suicidal for a long time. I met my oh on a train and have been happy for 10 years.
In hindsight my husband did me a favour- I wouldn't have met P.
You will get through this but take it 1 day at a time x

Out of my mind,
Back in 5 minutes


>^..^<
 
Thanks for your support guys. I have all my family and friends who are all there to help me but I want nothing more than my fiance back. I wish I could turn back the clock :(
 
Are you still on speaking terms? Have you tried mediation or marriage guidcance (this isnt jusr for married couples). What was it that made it too difficult to stay together?

I feel your pain, I really do, and if only I could get a magic wand anywhere I would wave it for you day and night, actually I would wave it for anyone in here and out in the whole wide world, so very much I would soon have muscles like Schwarzenegger!

Do you have MSN or Yahoo chat?

I really wish I could help you somehow

Big comforting hugs

Karen x

Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it depends how you view them
 
We could be on speaking terms but I am too frightened in case it really is over. He has a drink problem and is two people, I can't handle the problem one. I have been hurt a lot in the past and as a result am very clingy. I feel I need to contact him all the time to let him know I am alright because of my diabetes - I work 15 miles away and so need to be comforted knowing someone is waiting for me. He doesn't drink all the time but when he does he doesn't know when to stop, I pushed too far on Friday and got drunk to show him what it's like - we ended up pushing each other around and I got very aggressive asking him to hit me, he didn't. I am so full of regret and want to help him.:(
 
Aha, ok has he been in touch with you at all since the split? Is he engaging in alcohol services offered to him, does he admit that he has a drink problem? Where does your insecurity stem from? Hurt in the past?
You both need to talk, can you contact him and see if you can meet somewhere to talk calmly over these issues and then work out a plan on where to go from there?

All the best

Karen x

Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it depends how you view them
 
He came to pick up some stuff on Saturday. He has sent a few text. I sent one saying I wanted him to see what drink does to people and he said he knows, he is an idiot and I can't hate him more than he hates himself. Last year he tried to get help but the Doctor didn't see the problem - I was there so we did tell them. My history isn't good, every bloke has done the dirty on me and I have no issues with him there but still say things I know are not true. He text saying we need to talk and I said there is nothing to say and I will let him know when he can pick up his stuff. I last text him Monday evening saying we both need help, I am seeing a Councillor and he needs to go to AA. I haven't heard from him since. I want to help him and want him to help me.
 
Was it really wise to say to him that there is nothing more to say when he sent a text saying you need to talk?
If you want him back, get together again, it is important that you keep communication channels open.
You both have issues, you both made mistakes, you both need help, have you made a counselling appointment yet? There is usually a long waiting list there, and most counselling is expensive too, the quickest way to get into counselling is via your GP and its free, for a few weeks only, you may need longer though. Do you know what counselling involves?
Re your man, you suggested AA, thats cool, but some people dont get along with AA, just a warning, AA do the 12-step programme, not suitable for everyone, but there is other help available out there which town/city, whatever do you live? I can send you a few contacts for organisations.

I feel there is still a deep bond there between you too but at the moment you are both traumatised and feel abandoned. There is lots of help out there and you both can support each other too by sharing your experiences, you tell him about your counselling and he about his AA meetings or whatever, and you will learn from each other and maybe grow closer in the process or at least remain good friends.

Not sure how you feel about moving in together again, maybe that bit of distance is needed at the moment, but keep meeting up, talking and texting, you say you need someone to be there for you at the end of the day, so maybe you should talk on the phone or at least text a good night message to each other, would that help? I am only making suggestions here. But a complete breakdonw of communication is destructive if you are hoping to get together again, no matter how upset either of you is talk calmly, meet in a neutral place (or over the phone), you can hold hands while you say something like 'I still love you, but you hurt me so deep...and talk about whatever it is'
its also possible to hold hands when you are on the phone or texting, imagination works wonders,try it maybe?

I know maybe some of this sounds insane to you and everyone else in this forum but: I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy it :-)))

Can I suggest that you begin by reading a book by Louise Hays, You can heal your life? It is one book that is easy to read, and a good way to start on your journey to recovery, you need to learn to respect yourself, you said that you have been hurt in the past, why do you always fall for problem guys? Lots of things there for you to work through and getting to know yourself better, not easy but you can do it, its possible, you dont have to be the victim forever.

Comforting hugs

Karen x



Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it depends how you view them
 
I know. I have text his mum saying he wants to talk but I need time, I think she will tell him that. I was already seeing a councillor but I have brought my appointment forward to Tuesday, she was worried about me yesterday and told me to keep talking it through with people. I don't know if he is ready to admit to the drink problem yet, it depends if he is sober then its a yes. He just doesn't seem to be able to stop if it's there. I want to meet up but think i need time first because I can't go back into a relationship like that. Why can't he see? When he hasn't had a drink he is so caring checking I have done tests and asking what the doc said, now I feel totally lost and like there is no point in remaining in control.
 
Just a thought to add to Karen's wonderful advice.
Would it be worth writing him a letter. Even if you never give it to him, it could be quite cathartic.
If you do decide to write try not to be too accusatory & focus on the positive.
A phone call or a text can be forgotten but a letter is tangible.
You can forgive but you never forget.
Try not to bring up things that have happened in the past. Draw a line under them and just concentrate on this latest episode.
Moan at me rather than him
XXXXX

Out of my mind,
Back in 5 minutes


>^..^<
 
He is a binge drinker, and sounds like he is in denial, no matter how many times people nag him into seeking help, he doesnt see it or doesnt want to see it, he will just go and drink more because he feels that he is under pressure; he must want to address his issues, it has to come from him, not because others tell him to. So dont mention the drinking he knows it already presumably he has heard it all before.

There is a lot that you can do in the meantime, as I said before, keep communication open, be friendly, talk about each others hurt, and work on making yourself stronger and healthier, all this must play havoc with your diabetes?
Just begin to be a bit selfish and concentrate on your own problems there is no point wasting time waiting for him to sort himself out maybe he never will he has choices hasnt he, it is his life, where does it all leave you? If he does address his issues and sees you have made no progress, there could be a big gap developing between you two and you move in opposite directions, if he doesnt address issues he will go down further maybe, but where will you be, down there with him or are you able to move on strong in your own right?

Sometimes you must work for your happiness it doesnt come knocking on your door, and not dependent on the people in your life.

Counselling, talking it through with people, gaining insight into your own problems, will all help, try and obtain the book that I recommended, of course you are in crisis at the moment, you feel lost and abandoned, you need someone to take care of you and you enjoy it when someone checks if you have done your tests and all that, and it sounds people are doing that for you, but you must hang in there and do things for yourself too, you will feel much better for it, gain confidence and try a different approach to tackling issues.
Think about it yuo got deliberately drunk and staged some drama for him to teach him a lesson and it made things worse.
There are support groups out there for relatives, partners and friends of alcholics, even though you have split up now you say you want him back but not if he is drinking, if you tell me where you live, not your street address, just town or city I can find you a support group in your area, meet these people, all in the same boat as you, I think you would find it helpful.

You owe it to yourself to be happy again, things will get better if you want them to, but you have to work towards it, just like the rest of us, crying on everyone's shoulder is helpful too and you are doing already but its not enough to pull you out of this misery, some positive action is required of you too. I have given you some ideas, you decide what (or if) you want to try there.

Love

Karen x

Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it depends how you view them
 
I have to say I feel that you need to put the relationship with him behind you and move on.

I was on the sharp end of a violent binge drinker for many years (my brother). The only solution is to make a space between you and them and keep it that way.

From my experience (10 years of violence against the whole family resulting in him being convicted of ABH against my sister) they don't change no matter how many chances they get and you deserve much better :evil:

HBa1C 6.3 T2
 
Well they can change but they have to want to change, first step is admitting to themselves that they have an alcohol problem, drug problem diabetes problem, I was in complete denial (diabetes) for 6 years and even my psychologist husband could not make me see what the hell I was doing not only to myself but everyone around me too.

As long as you are breathing, you have a chance.

Challenges can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, it depends how you view them
 
I don't feel its fair to expect her to put her life on hold so he can sort out this problem. Unless he is already seeking help his denial will continue.

Alcohol always brings out the worst in people :(

Diabetes is an illness inflicted upon her which she has no control over its cause, Alcoholism, on the other hand is an illness which is also inflicted upon her, but the difference is that she can affect how it affects her life.

HBa1C 6.3 T2
 
Thanks Guys I have been listening. The violence was two way and he has never attacked me - I went for him. I have been seeing a counsellor for my diabetes and she has agreed to see me on Tues. I have a low self esteem and a big confidence issue which we tried to address together but I would throw the compliments he made out the window. I have checked and there is a support group I can go to.
I have text him to say we need to talk and I need time. He replied take as much time as I need and take care of myself so it's a start. I think he knows he needs help and has admitted he has a problem to his mum. Our future depends on whether he wants to do something about it. He went to the Docs last summer who couldn't really see a problem and said just to drink at weekends so hence the binging - so I can't say that helped much. The web sites say sometimes people need a crisis to make them see and that is what I am hoping has happened.
 
Sorry if I come over a bit hard nosed (all). I've had years of people taking advantage of my forgiving nature, and they generally see it at a weakness to exploit [:(!]

Sometimes you have to draw a line, and put your own needs first !

I've come to the conclusion that Lazy/selfish people exploit the goodwill of others ......

HBa1C 6.3 T2
 
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