Losing The Plot

I'm a Type 2 for 11 years. For the last 3 years tablet medication and those new injectables have failed to bring down my HbA1c. I was finally started on Levemir Insulin in May and increased the dose to reach 120 units at 8pm and 60 units at 8am. I was also on Metformin, but other diabetic meds were stopped because of side effects.

With hard work, and perhaps some disordered eating I lost weight, 2 stone but my blood sugars were still high.

Then my latest HbA1c came back at 96% and already being low in mood and feeling trapped, this became the final straw, especially after my encounter with ATOS / DWP the same week.

Consultant gave me fast acting insulin Humalog to start 10 units x 3 times a day with meals. He told me I would gain weight with this. This is the reason they delayed me starting insulin because of weight gain. I am waiting for weight loss surgery, but can't be approved for surgery until my HbA1c is under 65%

It's been over a week since I saw my consultant and I've ceased all diabetic meds including the Levemir... I cannot afford to gain weight, and it seems with the higher rate of Levemir I gained 6lbs, so to start Humalog and gain more I just cannot do. I've also ceased testing my blood sugar for almost a month.

To be honest all I thought of when being given Humalog was "this is my way out of this hell, I can take an insulin overdose"

I've had mental health issues for many years but have had no support from the CMHT for 18 months, I was doing well, now things are sliding and have been most of this year...

I cannot and will not inject insulin if there is a risk of weight gain.

I no longer know what to do. All I can think of is harming myself. I know the signs I am getting unwell, one of which is decluttering which I've spent the last week doing in a rather OCD manner.

I tried to see my GP, but couldn't get an appointment till the end of the month. I spoke to a crisis helpline charity and they faxed my GP on the 8th to ask that I was referred back to the CMHT urgently. I heard nothing until GP letter today asking me to book a telephone appointment to discuss my call with the crisis helpline charity. I don't want to talk on the phone, it's not helpful. I want to sit and talk to someone. Is that to much to ask?

I was diagnosed with a Binge Eating Disorder several years ago. It has improved but I still eat the wrong foods the majority of the time, especially when I am emotional. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Thank you all for your replies.

The weight I lost was because I stopped the binging for a while and became obsessed with what I did eat. I wouldn't eat after 7pm or until 12pm the next day, but even on Levermir my BS were still sky high.

I don't eat chips, I hate them. I do eat bread, rice and jacket potatoes which I now know are not good for blood sugar control.

I need some help with my mental health so I feel the only way forward is to seek help at my local A&E and see what they can do to perhaps put some support in place.

Shar67 said:

You know, you have looked at the problem and rather than overdosing you've came here and we will give you all the help we can. That is one big positive
Let's look at changing one thing at a time, you have a weight issue and don't want to add weight by taking insulin. You might put on some but the alternative isn't good for you, diabetes neuropathy, DKA. So let's try the insulin, once you do this, we can look at what your eating, I take insulin and have lost 10k in weight, simply by not eating rice, bread and potatoes. Chips I hear you cry, well you can have sweet potato Chips, you can eat a good variety of food and we will help you change.
I'm not type 2 so I cannot really say I know how you feel. But I do know about malnutrition and having eating disorder.
I also know there is a huge support on this forum together we are going to to help

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Thank you.

catapillar said:

If you are concerned that signs of hurting yourself are imminent you can seek help via a walk in centre, via A&E, you could try the crisis helpline charity again, you could try the Samaritans. These routes might lead to an expedited referral to CMHT or they might be able to give advice oh how to get the referral you need.

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Thank you. I initially thought who I called was the NHS Crisis Line but it wasn't but it was helpful to talk to them and offload. I am quite an isolated person so often feel very alone.

catapillar said:

Here's some information on accessing mental health support - http://www.nhs.uk/NHSEngland/AboutNHSservices/mental-health-services-explained/Pages/accessing services.aspx

You are doing really well to recognise the signs that you might self harm and to be seeking help to avoid it. You should be really proud of yourself for that. I'm sorry it is proving difficult to access the help that you need. Keep trying and do call the charities for support until you can get NHS support in place.

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Thank you, I will.

Thought I would update. I've continued to neglect my diabetes and not taken any meds or insulin for a few weeks. The DSN phoned yesterday for BS readings after my last appointment and I explained to her my current state of mind, she's now booked me in to see the Consultant next week.

I finally saw my GP today after booking an appointment 3 weeks ago. She was concerned for me, warned me of the risk of diabetic coma etc. She's referred me back to the mental health team and I hope to hear something next week from them.

I know all the risks, possible complications etc. to neglecting my health but I am truly past caring.

I've not checked my BS for 5 weeks, I'm scared to with all the junk I have been consuming, constantly peeing and drinking high sugar drinks.

I just cannot see a way forward.

Freema said:

they should offer you to get into a hospital and get the supoort there and get the foods that are the best for you and mental support too ... hope they end helping you big time,because you need that , send you my love and care

don´t you have any family suport ?

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Thanks for your reply.

I don't have family support, the one family member in my life I am a carer for and I feel deeply trapped, it is complicated, I am caring for someone who was largely a cause of my mental health problems. I vowed when my mum died I would run for the hills and do anything but turn into a carer again, (I cared for my mum for 18 years, she died 7 years ago now) and here I am still caring and hating myself more and more each day.

A break away could be what I need, some time to think, put things into perspective etc.

I've found hospital admissions in the past helpful for my mental health, but I've never previously neglected my diabetes like this.