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Message: <blockquote data-quote="zand" data-source="post: 543081" data-attributes="member: 85197">Yes, I well recognize all those tactics you mention above!  With My Mum she was always 'dying' until the day she was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  After that things got better between us, the manipulation happened a lot less because she actually did need help.  She refused help from her nurse or from cancer nurses and wanted me to do everything, which I can now see wasn't right or fair.  However,  it was often a pleasure to help her and we talked lots.  She was told she had 3 weeks to live, neither of us chose to believe that and when she did die 2 1/2 years later a lot of my wounds from the previous 38 years had healed.  Right at the end when I sat by her hospital bed as she lay sleeping on that last day, she woke briefly opened her eyes and said 'Go home'.  I misunderstood at first and thought she wanted to go home, but then I realised it was an instruction to me.  What happened next was surreal, Gothic even.  I started to drive the 30 miles home in a thunderstorm.  A bolt of lightening hit the side of the road in front of me, the thunder was simultaneous.  I felt as if I was a climber climbing a mountain with someone attached by rope.  I felt the rope break and looked at the clock at 21.38, knowing she had just died.  So right at the end, things turned the right way up again.  She wanted me to be safely home before I found out that she had died, she didn't know I would 'feel it happen' anyway. So finally, right at the end she became the parent and I became the child again.I think you are right to try to find some kind of middle ground.  Your mother needs to have other people she wants to call on for help, not just you.  It's too much for one person, and you do need your own life too.  I really hope you can find a good plan which works for you both because you are right, like my own Mum yours is a good person and a wonderful mother.  I am glad I was so close to my Mum and sometimes I managed to find that middle ground, I just didn't always stick to it once I had found it.I really do wish you all the best in this.</blockquote>

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