Music has its ups and downs.
In order to perform to the very highest standards, a musician needs to bring something of themselves to the table. They need to expose some emotional nerve endings.
Many years ago, (18 or so )I had to perform a piece, - an extremely famous piece, if you're a horn player, which needed just such an approach. I had to perform it seven times in seven days, in front of huge audiences and TV cameras. Not a problem usually, - i'd done it many times before, but this time the conductor was an egotistical megalomaniac who hated me and made it his purpose in life to make things as difficult for me as he possibly could. Result? - I had nightmares for three months and refused to have anything to do with a classical orchestra for about eighteen months afterwards.
I've performed the piece a couple of times since. - "quick and dirty" versions, where I turn up, run through in the afternoon, perform in the evening, and move on. I thought I was over it.
Last week I performed it again. Only this time with a three day rehearsal period in front of it. There were lots of things going on, both in and out of my control. But the result was that I played, in my eyes, badly. - People coming up and saying "well played" just makes it worse. You can't very well say "you don't know what you're talking about, I sounded ****"! So you just have to smile and say thank you, even though you're cringing inside.
Result? Nightmares for the last three nights and I feel physically sick whenever I think about it. - Which is all the time.
Next time I get asked to do it, I really am going to have to say no.
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