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Terminal and Scared

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What Me. ... I'm innocent ME ?
 
Thank you for posting Kevin. I take heed of your warning. I don't know what else to say.
 
Don't worry Joe, just thanks for posting anyway,
 
Hi Kevin
Started reading your posts last night finished reading 6am this morning.This is my first post in a year.
.I have only one thing to say THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart.
I promise you from this very minute I will try my very best to do the very best I can to stay healthy
and live as long as I can.I wish your story could be told worldwide on television Radio Newspapers.
Your story ought to be put up for every new diabetic to read in every doctors surgery in the land
Im sure it would save the NHS millions and more to the point save lots of lives.
You and your lovely family deserve a medal and all the help love blessings from all us diabetics.
Im a 66yr old type2 on insulin 11ys in Now inspired to make it to at least 100yr.
You may be dying but you will never be forgot how wonderful to know you may have saved
many people from pain and suffering what an epitaph.
YOU ARE MY HERO
 


NO not a Hero. ... a man trying to make up for his own mistakes, Stay well, make my death worthwhile
 
It isnt always about drama, or pain, or even believe it or not about the family, but sometimes it's about being quiet, sometimes it's about the loneliness that creeps over you when your not expecting it,

Dying can be a more gentle fear, not the raving screaming fear like being attacked by thousands of Tax Men, No this is the self doubt, surrendering if things could have been different, if there is ANYTHING you could do to mend Wendies heart, anything to prevent Dayne feeling so angry he puts his forethought a door 5 times,

Wondering if mum is really coming to terms with out living you, Wondering what kind of service you really want,

I want my body to go to Medical Reseach, or if they have them here in the UK to a Body Farm, they have them in the US,

One of my fears. ... is not achieving anything, and people putting me on a pedestal, believing me a Hero, when I can't reach such heights, I hate being seen as more than I am,

Dying alone, My biggest fear of all,

Dying in front of Wendie, I hate breaking her heart in anyway,

Dying suddenly with no warning, No time for goodbyes,

Saying Goodbye, I'm just 52, way too young,

So many thing on my BUCKET LIST. There's absolutely no way to achieve most of them, even with a lottery win ,

Having a Bucket List, Admitting I'm dying,

This thread, was one post, now so many readers, so much responsibility even when I feel so tired and I'll,

This thread, such a comfort, so many new friends, such LOVE, EMPATHY and SUPPORT,

Time to put my Life in order,

A speedy death, with NO time for PAIN,

I'm in less but still terrible pain since a change in my morphine,

Please, I'm an ORDINARY man, nothing Special at all,

But even so, Listen to me, learn from my mistakes, save yourself,

Change your habits, Don't write another thread like this,

Don't DIE,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DIE

For many many years to come !
 
So not sure if l should answer if you want one but here is some of my thoughts which may be of help.

Was there anything you could have done?…. it matters not now, it wont lessen his anger at his impotence to help you more and it wont lessen your anguish. Looking back with all the ”what ifs” is a waste of your precious time.

You are doing your bit to change your past for others but for you and your family it wont affect them. So look forward with them and help them build more good memories with you.

Do some thing to set that memory and you will have a happy memory that is recent instead of distant pain and anger of the past, hold onto that to help you all.

You can discuss your bucket list with Dayne and Wendi they may want to do some of them for you with you walking by their side like Brian does with me. I drive him nuts still though can assure you that part didn’t change.


The Medical research is a sod to get on, l looked into it for an elderly friend, l hate to say it but l doubt they or the uk body farm would accept you they have a really strict criteria.
Even if accepted they warned me it could be years before they use your body, could your family bear that thought. They may well feel that you had no peace at the end and now no peace as you are still in a fridge. A memorial service isn’t the same.

I have my service sorted, songs, flag….has to be the Rhodesian flag over the coffin, and a couple of little Rhodesian flag pendants… hey l get a last chance to be really tacky l am taking it.
My thoughts are that a funeral and burial/cremation will give a better strength to your family, a place to go.

I am heading for the cooker, Brian was cooked Andy wants burial, awkward sod!

Oh don’t worry you not on a pedestal we kicked that away in the economic cutbacks we allow you to sit in a chair.

Hero well l guess that is in the eyes of those who feel that way. No one who is one feels that way so lap it up, failing that accept that you have changed peoples lives. So you haven’t failed at your task.
You wont be alone, you know my hackeyed (to some) beliefs, even if Wedi and Wayne or your mum were not with you, you still have your Guardians to guide you.

You are dying now you will break Wendi heart if she is with you or not but not more than it is now. She will find her own things to comfort her the biggest is how special you are.... if you weren't she wouldn't still be with you on your trip.
Your Mum and Wendi and Danyne are lucky and unlucky. Lucky because most family get a call and have to deal with it. Unlucky because they have seen what you are going through. Will they ever come to terms l don’t know only time will tell . But l think they will find their own comforts as most of us do, your legacy to them is love and that is a strong healer.

With my mum l still cry but am relieved she is out of her own hell of depression that she had. She had a mental breakdown that sunk her into hell the 3 years since dad passed. That she is out of pain and l know fit and well gives me comfort. She loved tennis and can now get into all tournaments for free.
The same as dad, he had chronic health problems, now he is striding across the landscape he loved walking, past animals with him and Brian is as well.
Brian, well his death was an accident but l know he is with me when needed or what ever family member needs him… when he isn’t he is off skydiving still and god could he talk so will be off with friends that have passed… talking.

We all are too young. Not many people are although some are ready and want to die at any age.
Brian’s daughter’s husband was 32 when he passed last year of testicular cancer. The dr wouldn’t listen just kept fobbing him off. By the time they actually looked he was terminal.

Have your goodbyes now then doesn’t mean you have to die now your body will do that when it is ready. Better to use all the words now that you may not have at the time…possibly due to pain.
I still regret that l didn't know when Brian would pass so much unsaid. l know he is with me but l wanted to tell him to his face.

Hey and when l cross l expect you to come over and say hi, and even pop over and meet Brian, l asked him to keep an eye on you. Before l pass and once you settle in l expect an occasional hello from you.

MID

(Have probably just got a reputation after that answer as not being kind and sympathetic and a weirdo for my beliefs just so long as you are ok with it)
 
So not sure if l should answer if you want one but here is some of my thoughts which may be of help.

Was there anything you could have done?…. it matters not now, it wont lessen his anger at his impotence to help you more and it wont lessen your anguish. Looking back with all the ”what ifs” is a waste of your precious time.

You are doing your bit to change your past for others but for you and your family it wont affect them. So look forward with them and help them build more good memories with you.

Do some thing to set that memory and you will have a happy memory that is recent instead of distant pain and anger of the past, hold onto that to help you all.

You can discuss your bucket list with Dayne and Wendi they may want to do some of them for you with you walking by their side like Brian does with me. I drive him nuts still though can assure you that part didn’t change.


The Medical research is a sod to get on, l looked into it for an elderly friend, l hate to say it but l doubt they or the uk body farm would accept you they have a really strict criteria.
Even if accepted they warned me it could be years before they use your body, could your family bear that thought. They may well feel that you had no peace at the end and now no peace as you are still in a fridge. A memorial service isn’t the same.

I have my service sorted, songs, flag….has to be the Rhodesian flag over the coffin, and a couple of little Rhodesian flag pendants… hey l get a last chance to be really tacky l am taking it.
My thoughts are that a funeral and burial/cremation will give a better strength to your family, a place to go.

I am heading for the cooker, Brian was cooked Andy wants burial, awkward sod!

Oh don’t worry you not on a pedestal we kicked that away in the economic cutbacks we allow you to sit in a chair.

Hero well l guess that is in the eyes of those who feel that way. No one who is one feels that way so lap it up, failing that accept that you have changed peoples lives. So you haven’t failed at your task.
You wont be alone, you know my hackeyed (to some) beliefs, even if Wedi and Wayne or your mum were not with you, you still have your Guardians to guide you.

You are dying now you will break Wendi heart if she is with you or not but not more than it is now. She will find her own things to comfort her the biggest is how special you are.... if you weren't she wouldn't still be with you on your trip.
Your Mum and Wendi and Danyne are lucky and unlucky. Lucky because most family get a call and have to deal with it. Unlucky because they have seen what you are going through. Will they ever come to terms l don’t know only time will tell . But l think they will find their own comforts as most of us do, your legacy to them is love and that is a strong healer.

With my mum l still cry but am relieved she is out of her own hell of depression that she had. She had a mental breakdown that sunk her into hell the 3 years since dad passed. That she is out of pain and l know fit and well gives me comfort. She loved tennis and can now get into all tournaments for free.
The same as dad, he had chronic health problems, now he is striding across the landscape he loved walking, past animals with him and Brian is as well.
Brian, well his death was an accident but l know he is with me when needed or what ever familySo not sure if l should answer if you want one but here is some of my thoughts which may be of help.

Was there anything you could have done?…. it matters not now, it wont lessen his anger at his impotence to help you more and it wont lessen your anguish. Looking back with all the ”what ifs” is a waste of your precious time.

You are doing your bit to change your past for others but for you and your family it wont affect them. So look forward with them and help them build more good memories with you.

Do some thing to set that memory and you will have a happy memory that is recent instead of distant pain and anger of the past, hold onto that to help you all.

You can discuss your bucket list with Dayne and Wendi they may want to do some of them for you with you walking by their side like Brian does with me. I drive him nuts still though can assure you that part didn’t change.


The Medical research is a sod to get on, l looked into it for an elderly friend, l hate to say it but l doubt they or the uk body farm would accept you they have a really strict criteria.
Even if accepted they warned me it could be years before they use your body, could your family bear that thought. They may well feel that you had no peace at the end and now no peace as you are still in a fridge. A memorial service isn’t the same.

I have my service sorted, songs, flag….has to be the Rhodesian flag over the coffin, and a couple of little Rhodesian flag pendants… hey l get a last chance to be really tacky l am taking it.
My thoughts are that a funeral and burial/cremation will give a better strength to your family, a place to go.

I am heading for the cooker, Brian was cooked Andy wants burial, awkward sod!

Oh don’t worry you not on a pedestal we kicked that away in the economic cutbacks we allow you to sit in a chair.

Hero well l guess that is in the eyes of those who feel that way. No one who is one feels that way so lap it up, failing that accept that you have changed peoples lives. So you haven’t failed at your task.
You wont be alone, you know my hackeyed (to some) beliefs, even if Wedi and Wayne or your mum were not with you, you still have your Guardians to guide you.

You are dying now you will break Wendi heart if she is with you or not but not more than it is now. She will find her own things to comfort her the biggest is how special you are.... if you weren't she wouldn't still be with you on your trip.
Your Mum and Wendi and Danyne are lucky and unlucky. Lucky because most family get a call and have to deal with it. Unlucky because they have seen what you are going through. Will they ever come to terms l don’t know only time will tell . But l think they will find their own comforts as most of us do, your legacy to them is love and that is a strong healer.

With my mum l still cry but am relieved she is out of her own hell of depression that she had. She had a mental breakdown that sunk her into hell the 3 years since dad passed. That she is out of pain and l know fit and well gives me comfort. She loved tennis and can now get into all tournaments for free.
The same as dad, he had chronic health problems, now he is striding across the landscape he loved walking, past animals with him and Brian is as well.
Brian, well his death was an accident but l know he is with me when needed or what ever family member needs him… when he isn’t he is off skydiving still and god could he talk so will be off with friends that have passed… talking.

We all are too young. Not many people are although some are ready and want to die at any age.
Brian’s daughter’s husband was 32 when he passed last year of testicular cancer. The dr wouldn’t listen just kept fobbing him off. By the time they actually looked he was terminal.

Have your goodbyes now then doesn’t mean you have to die now your body will do that when it is ready. Better to use all the words now that you may not have at the time…possibly due to pain.
I still regret that l didn't know when Brian would pass so much unsaid. l know he is with me but l wanted to tell him to his face.

Hey and when l cross l expect you to come over and say hi, and even pop over and meet Brian, l asked him to keep an eye on you. Before l pass and once you settle in l expect an occasional hello from you.

MID

(Have probably just got a reputation after that answer as not being kind and sympathetic and a weirdo for my beliefs just so long as you are ok with it)
[/quote]


LETS Get something straight. ... if anyone thinks your being unkind, they will have Wendie and me too deal with !

Wendie also says to tell you that she has very similar beliefs to you,

And that when I start feeling sorry for myself. ... She wants you o come over, and both you and she will kick one of my butt cheeks each. !!??!!

I'll try and PM tomorrow, Tonight I'm too tired, but on this occasion I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, just trying to give a snapshot of how things are sometimes, and the more minor crisese go,

Well night night all,

HUGS

Kevin and Wendie.

xxx.
 
Thank you Kevin and Wendie, for your very kind words, I really do appreciate what you have written both public and private, hugs hugs and HUGS
 
Thanks Christine Sweetie you know where we are
 
Please apologise to Dayne l just realised l misspelt his name in my last long tome,can l plead tired as an excuse... if not able to plead tired then insanity is my last resort
 
He not mind, it often happens LOL, hands very very stiff today, typing difficult excuse any typo,s. How are you sweetie, still need to get back to you on your long post,, talk tomorrow, Wendies about to do my physio on my hands love Kevin and Wendie. xxx
 
Hi Kman. I am probably just the man to heed your advice and hopefully your message will be the kick up the **** I need. I am 34, married with 2 kids and although my diabetes isn't horrendous it is always something I'll worry about tomorrow. Not anymore......

All the best to you and thanks for posting.

Tom

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
 


HI Tom, well that's great news , Please though REMEMBER your 2 kids and your wife. ... I know your not me, Stay that way. ... Don't EVER become me, treasure what you have, and use that as a good enough reason to make the effort, Good Luck,

Best Regards.

Kevin.
 
ts_booth said:
Cheers man. Must take guts to do what you are doing and I thank you for it.

Tom

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
Click to expand...


NO Mate, I'm scared witless most of the time, not a brave bone in my body.. ..... just I no longer have a choice, I'm Dying, like it or not !!??!!
 
Well it's 5:19 am and so far I feel pretty good, so far my increased Morphine regime is working well, My Breathing is awful though so not quite all good LOL !
 
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