THE PROCESS OF AGING...
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day... He is from India, and he is very concerned about my car warranty...
I choked on a carrot this morning and all I could think of was, "I'll bet a doughnut wouldn't have done this to me..."
It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I'm a 'nice' person...
Sorry that I'm late. I got here as soon as I wanted to...!!!
It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you're supposed to pick-out one of your own...
It's fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it's all, "Sir, you need to leave...!!!"
One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box, because it is, y’know, a really good box...
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today... That's seven years in a row, now...
If you drop something when you were younger, you just picked it up... When you're older and you drop something, you stare at it for just a bit contemplating if you actually need it anymore...
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and then guess what's on the list when I am at the store...
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas... Normally I serve turkey, but, hey, if it will make them happy…
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin...
I just read a book about marriage that says treat your wife like you treated her on your first date... So, tonight, after dinner I'm dropping her off at her parent's house...
I love bacon... Sometimes I eat it twice a day... It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting...
As I watch ill-informed younger generations try to rewrite history, the things I can be sure of are that their revisions will be misspelled, be rife with incorrect grammar and have no punctuation...
Driver: "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket...???”
Officer: "Keep it... When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle...”
I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away... I asked another and he also said, "I'll see," and walked away... In the end, I gave-up and found them myself, in Aisle C...
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places... He told me to stop going to those places...
I put our scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes...
When I was a kid, I used to watch the "Wizard of Oz" and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain... Then, I discovered Facebook...
Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror & think, "That can't be accurate...!!!"
Apparently, RSVP-ing to a wedding invitation with, "Maybe next time," isn't an appropriate response...
I just burned 1,200 calories... I forgot the pizza in the oven...
Who knew that the hardest thing of being an adult is figuring out what to fix for dinner and then doing it every single night for the rest of your life until you die...???
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings...
Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch a TV episode of "The Hoarders," and think, "Wow...!!! My house looks great...”
Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows...
So, my neighbor knocked on my front door at 3AM... 3AM...!!! Luckily, I was already up playing the bagpipes...
