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Thoughtless presents

Buttons11

Well-Known Member
Messages
162
Location
Woking, Surrey
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Diet only
Me and OH went away for Christmas, and agreed not to buy each other presents, as our holiday was our present. We got home last night and guess what? He's bought me a present. The bad news is, it's sweets! We were away earlier in the year and I had a couple of these sweets and said how nice they were, but it was just a throw away remark. The only ones he could find in the shops were in a mixed bag, ("and I knew you wouldn't eat the others") so he looked on line and found a 2 kg packet I know he put some thought into it and is trying to be nice, but eating 2 sweets as a one off is not the same as having 2kg of the things. He might just as well have given me a 2kg bag of sugar.
Then we open pressies from our son. He gave me smellies and... a box of biscuits
They are both aware that I'm diabetic and following a low carb diet and I don't eat stuff like this.
I was so upset last night, I could hardly speak. I want to say to them both, "do you really want me to go blind, have my feet amputated and die of diabetic complications?"
I have hidden both things in a cupboard, and at some point I will quietly throw them away. I have no desire to eat either of them. At the same time I need to find a nice way to remind them before next Christmas that I really don't want, or need, presents like this.
 
You could always keep them in the cupboard and give them back at the next birthday.

Blunt and to the point.
 
Why hide the gifts away and dispose of them quietly?
Surely you need to impress the importance of your condition on them. They are obviously not aware of what your condition is. Educate them and if that means having them stand by your side whilst you throw the presents in the bin so be it.
 

I'm trying to be too nice and don't want to upset anybody. I know I need to stand up for myself and make a point about this.
 
What’s wrong with telling them you appreciate the effort they have taken with their gifts and asking in the future for something which has less carbs.
Sure, they could have thought a little more for Christmas but they still tried to be nice.
 
@Buttons11 . Hey fully understand. I doubt either wanted you to be upset to the extent of having to come here for a good old moan.
It's not fair that you should be upset, it's bad enough being diabetic, it's not your fault.
Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.
Definitely broach the subject, maybe not my way, granted. You don't want to be here again next year.
Good luck.
 
Buttons11 said:
I'm trying to be too nice and don't want to upset anybody. I know I need to stand up for myself and make a point about this.
Click to expand...

I suspect the real problem is not that they don't care / are thoughtless, and more that people generally haven't got the slightest clue about diabetes, and you really have to be diabetic to have a good understanding of foods.

I've lost count of the number of people who I've told that I basically can't eat many carbs at all without it being dangerous, and that may sound easy to you and me to understand, but people just often don't know what that means.

Recently I've had someone *stunned* that I could eat double cream. What!? But you're diabetic!

And another person who assumed that the problem with diabetes is low sugar levels and that's what can make you tired.

Really, I think we need to a) Give non-diabetics a break, and ask ourselves how much we've bothered to read-up on diseases other people have, and b) Politely and relentlessly be prepared to explain our needs.

For example. "I love these sweets, thanks. But they are full of carbohydrates and so are very dangerous for me if I have more than one or two, and it's very hard to limit them to just one or two when there's a big bag and I like them so much. It's a bit like smoking, I need to give them up for my health, and it's not easy."
 

It sounds to me like your husband tried to give you something special that you found to be a real indulgence when you had a couple of those sweets a few months ago, so to throw the lot away could be really hurtful to him.

I might be inclined to make a thing of opening the package, and offer them around to everyone (generous, and there's a chance they'll get through a few!), then start eating one. You husband will likely watch for you savouring his special gift, with a certain amount of anticipation.

I'd then likely comment that they tasted very sweet (or whatever - but they would to me as I don't have a sweet tooth) and comment something like, "You guys will have to help me out with these guys because delicious as these are, I'm not going to be able to get through too many of these too quickly."

Then at some stage I would ask my OH if he minded if I gave the rest away (or whatever) because I just wasn't enjoying them as much as I remembered.

I think it's so difficult for others trying to give us a treat, but don't quite get it.

I have champagne and chocs given to me over Crimbo. The fizz will be fine, but I have explained to my OH (he wasn't the donor) that I'll take responsibility for the fizz, if he'll handle the chocs. He's fine with that and will likely get a glass of fizz for being a good chap.
 

My dad actually said the double cream thing to me a couple of days ago And my mum was diabetic, so he should have known for a good 20 years about what carbs are.

(I should have too growing up with her, but I'm going to excuse my self-absorbed 15-year-old self for only really being aware that she didn't eat cake and she always had to have sweets in her handbag. I certainly never thought then about what it all meant.)

I think people by and large just don't have the awareness that people who go through things do. I am severely deaf and still have to remind my family sometimes not to turn their backs/talk into the floor/whisper/mumble when talking to me I used to work at a deaf charity, though, and even then, both hearing and completely deaf people still forgot about things like that, as they assumed I hear as well as a fully hearing person because I wear hearing aids. I'm sure I had my own forgetful moments with colleagues too.

The present was obviously meant with love and thought, although misguided, so yes - I'd agree that a gentle talk about it and how large amounts of sweets will no longer work as presents is the way forward. And remember... there'll still probably be slip ups, and it's okay to be annoyed too.

20 years of lack of double cream knowledge is not really excusable though...!
 

Thank you for this DCUKMod, I've been sat here for 10 minutes trying to figure out how to say exactly what you have said, particularly about being kind to hubby. It appears he went to a very great deal of effort to search out a special gift, (that was a treat he probably knows she can't have normally, but thought she could have this one, as per conversation earlier in the year).

I also think that to throw the gift back at hubby could be very hurtful, and it may take a long time for that pain to go away. I think that no-one can ever really walk in someone else's shoes, and no matter how hard they try, or genuinely think they understand, I believe that non-diabetics can never truly know what it is like to live with diabetes. (or any other ailment, for that matter)



edit: addition at end.
 
My t2 mother in law gave me 6 pots of jam for Christmas.
 

I completely understand this I’m only recently diagnosed and have told everyone around me that I now can’t eat certain foods yet for Christmas my boyfriend bought me a box of Lindt chocolates and a three pack of really nice Hot Chocolates. He was really pleased with himself and having got me a ‘great’ present but I was so upset that he either has forgotten something that hes seen seriously affect me or just didn’t think at all when buying it.

Like you I’ve also either had to give them out to people or throw them away and the clear thoughtlessness of it and lack of support even has me questioning if the relationship will work
 
Unless one is diabetic a detailed understanding of what can and can't be eaten is difficult. My daughter and son in law made us a lovely Christmas dinner with loads of meat, veg and olives and cheeses and all very low carb because they have a pretty good idea of what I can eat.
But they were suckered in by a "zero sugar" label on a jar of sweets they gave me as one of my Christmas presents. It was an honest and very kind 'mistake', and one that I made too in the early days after diagnosis.
 
I would imagine that having seen you eat them earlier in the year he thought he had found something you could eat. After all- even with diabetes nothing is banned and low blood sugars are far better resolved with something we like rather than dislike. It is about moderation. Maybe bag some off and say to them - you know it will take me 5 years to be able to eat all of these how about we share them etc. Straight talking and no lies is the basis of a good relationship. After all - diabetic products are worse for us than sugared ones.
 
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Thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinions. I knew I was too wound up to say anything last night so I'm glad I kept quiet. I will have to pick my moment and say that I appreciate the thought and effort he put in, but...
I feel better for getting it off my chest. I knew you guys would understand!
 
ronialive said:
why shouldn't a diabetic have a biscuit?
Click to expand...
Simply because @archersuz as a T2 has to avoid high carb food which can raise glucose levels unecessarily, whereas you as a T1 can (presumably) bolus for such things. We don't have the "luxury" of managing carbs that way, and need to rely on avoiding what can do us harm.

Robbity
 
I honestly think people do not fully understand what people with diabetics can and cannot eat.....i know i didnt have the knowledge and understanding before that i have now. If it was me i would say thank you and point out that as much ss i love them it's really not good for me to eat many. I would even go so far as to explain they will raise my sugar level which can be dangerous.....that message hopefully will deter them being purchased again. It's a bit like the vast majority if people don't understand about depression if they haven't been there. I have explained to my OH about my depression many times abd he still suggests things which he ought to know are not a good idea. X
 
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