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Vastly Improved Blood Sugars - Midlife Crisis?

Possibly she needs professional help with her drink problem.
 
Totto said:
Possibly she needs professional help with her drink problem.
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People turn to drink when they aren't getting the love and support they crave. I don't necessarily think she has a drink problem. I'm sorry, but I now find I'm guarded in what I say.

I think she needs to feel loved, and all the problems stem from the fact she is not getting the love she needs and desires.
 
@lunarlinda So, everybody is to blame but the drinker? And because she's had a hysterectomy and never dealt with it, whatever she does is OK? She has no responsibility for her own life?
 
Yes I see what you are saying, and I haven't had the misfortune to have had a hysterectomy at all, so yes I sympathise with that one, both the physical and emotional side of it - and it's the emotional side which Designerman 1 really needs to try to understand. I found the menopause was a shock to my system because I could no longer have children, I didn't want any more children, but it was a huge shock all the same. I also felt old and undesirable. Aging is different for a woman. Designerman 1 needs to understand that it's not just about how his partner looks but how she feels too.

I have however had to put up with being told 'whiplash injuries don't hurt', (it was agony) and have had a total lack of understanding when I had ME like symptoms and couldn't find the energy to cook nutritious meals. I used to buy fresh veg only to throw it out unused because I didn't have the energy to cook it. 'I haven't cooked' 'OK I'll get a takeaway' was often heard in our household. Sometimes I just chose not to eat. So I do know what it's like to need help and understanding and love and not get it. I understand the low self esteem thing too, it's tough. They really do need to talk and spend time together to sort this out. They can only do this if they are both willing to be totally honest, and I'm not really sure if that's what either of them want.

It is not a good situation to be in when one of you no longer wants something which the other one needs. Now I understand that Designerman 1's partner felt very low and needed love and support, which he probably did not provide as fully as he could have, and as such he may have exacerbated the problem, but hey she has had time to get over her op now, maybe with the support of female friends. Equally she could have told him what support she needed. Sometimes you have to spell it out to these men, they can be a little dense at times.
 
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lunarlinda said:
People turn to drink when they aren't getting the love and support they crave. I don't necessarily think she has a drink problem. I'm sorry, but I now find I'm guarded in what I say.

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Yes they do. I've done that too and suffered the consequences. I did it for those same reasons too. I can't blame my drinking on my husband or anyone else, that was down to me. I opened the bottles and drank, no-one forced me. You can develop a drink problem in a relatively short time if you are vulnerable enough.
 
I agree Zand, thank you for sharing. I too have personal experience of turning to the bottle and of feeling unloved. I was crying out for love and understanding, and got none. I went about it the wrong way, I know that now, but I came very close to suicide, overdosing on anti depressants and did indeed 'die' for a few seconds.

I usually only give my opinions on things I have personally experienced, and my experience was, for years, I stayed in an unhappy marriage, not that he was a bad man at all, he wasn't, but we had grown apart and I desperately wanted him to love me, I'd stayed with him through a lot over our 40 year marriage, all for nothing when, in January this year, he announced he thought he'd be happier living on his own.

I now live on my own and am slowly getting to grips with creating a new life for myself, but have many regrets that years ago, we didn't sit down and without over emotion, or trying to purport blame, talk about how we both felt, and what we expected from one another.

I won't elaborate further, but I feel that I am now so passionate about being up front and honest about how I feel because by not addressing things as we should have done, I now have a failed 40 year old marriage instead of a failed 20 year marriage.
 
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Designerman 1 said:
My partner has always drank every night, it's part of our unsuited towards-each-other lifestyles, I aligned with her lifestyle, and it has damaged me - I am trying to undo that damage. Surely that makes sense to people on this forum?
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Judging from this quote from one of Designman's posts - sounds like the lady had a drinking problem from the time he met her and isn't related to the hysterectomy. Maybe she doesn't like the fact that her previous partner in drinking has decided to clean up his act - maybe it makes her own problem that much more starkly obvious?
 
Indy51 said:
@lunarlinda So, everybody is to blame but the drinker? And because she's had a hysterectomy and never dealt with it, whatever she does is OK? She has no responsibility for her own life?
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I didn't say that. And I reitterate, we only have his version of events.
 
That is very upsetting to me that a woman can launch an attack on another woman when we only have a MAN's interpretation of what was going on re drinking.
 
Yes lunarlinda, I kind of guessed your last paragraph already as I knew you had split up from previous posts you had made. My marriage is a happy one on the whole and after 31 years it is precious to me. It must have been a hell of a shock for you in January, I feel for you. I will keep your 3rd paragraph with me in the coming months and years, because I think I will need it. I think you do too, Designerman 1.
 
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lunarlinda said:
That is very upsetting to me that a woman can launch an attack on another woman when we only have a MAN's interpretation of what was going on re drinking.
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I'm not launching an attack on the woman, I was merely taking what was said and extrapolating a possible explanation from it. Exactly what you did when you decided to put your own interpretation on what the OP said.

The fact that you think female solidarity has anything to do with this is beyond me.
 
lunarlinda said:
That is very upsetting to me that a woman can launch an attack on another woman when we only have a MAN's interpretation of what was going on re drinking.
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Now this is interesting me......why does it matter to you that it is one woman 'attacking' another? Would it be different if it were say, a female friend saying the same things about the lady in question, rather than her partner? I'm being a little inflammatory so I'll explain if I can manage it. As you know lunarlinda, I haven't always got on well with groups of women, though that is improving. I don't understand other women and feel I sometimes understand men better (not always!) So yes I've just read Indy's last comment too. Do you have a problem with men in general lunarlinda? Or just this one. I'm getting scared waiting for your reply now!
 
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If we were all sat in a room with Desigman right now face to face, he would still give his version of how it is and people would either choose to accept that version or consider that there are two sides to every story. With age I have learned not to accept everything people say at face value and do always consider there are two sides.
That said, we STILL don't know how it REALLY is in their home. We know what Designman chooses to tell us, as after all, some things may just simply be toooooo personal. It's his right to choose what's private and what's not.

We can only give our opinions on what he tells us. This man is obviously not happy and he's reaching out to us on a forum, whether you or I would do it or not.

Whoever said that his wife must take responsibility for her actions is right. Imagine living with a partner who 'needs' to drink to blot out whatever is wrong. It's a problem and she needs support from her husband, but some people don't want to be helped. We all would like to think that our partner is happy and I would be very concerned if my husband was habitually drinking. It doesn't matter what came first, hysterectomy or drinking, the fact that she's doing it warrants help and support. Much of what I have read so far smacks of a lot of lack of honesty and communication.

Put all your cards on the table I say ( and yes this is just my opinion). There is either a resolution or there is not, but I doubt it will all magically disappear. Don't waste life, it's precious and you need to be happy...both of you. It will all remain a huge problem as long as you don't address it adequately.
 
I'll just add that I have quite a bit of first-hand history with drinkers and other addicts, so my explanation is quite typical of co-dependent relationships - if one party cleans up their act, the one who wants to go on with the addiction will try every trick in the book to derail them.

I was cross-posting, so hadn't read the personal history being posted at the same time.

In any event, there's clearly a lot of personal stuff being projected onto the OP which is pretty unfair, IMO.
 

So true Indy, and this can happen with anything not just drink, drugs.....food as well for instance.
 
..I've just read through the whole of this thread, soo many misunderstandings....its very hard to correspond by the written word, there are no expressions to see, no tone of voice, no body movement and it really does make a difference....god I sound like I'm judging but I'm not, just seen it time and time again on forums...something can be said quite innocently and its taken the wrong way, happens too much....
 
If you're scared, then I won't reply.
 
lunarlinda said:
If you're scared, then I won't reply.
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Oh, go on...and this one's just for me so no need to be careful what you say, just say it, you know I like you really!
 
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I think it is now in order for Designerman 1
zand said:
Oh, go on...and this ones just for me so no need to be careful what you say, just say it, you know I like you really!
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I am not condoning, judging, attacking or defending his partner.

I am simply saying, we have not had Her version of events. Have you never listened to a manipulative person trying to explain something which is actually not true, but he say's it because he has a desire to paint a picture, usually a bad one, of another person for his own ends.?

Why did it take him 15 years to decide he didn't want dragging down to her level? Why did he say it was her lifestyle he tried to keep up with that made him diabetic? I can pull holes in his first few posts and read between the lines, I feel sorry for others that take everything on face value, that All he has said is the Gospel truth, gullible springs to mind really.

I think there is one thing now that will stop this play act, and that is for Designerman to come clean and tell it as it really is. I would have much respect for him if he would do that. He would maybe then get some helpful advice from the knowledgeable ones on the site.

As for your question about if I have a problem with men in general, the answer is no, I don't.
 

Yes of course I have and once upon a time I was also that manipulative person. Women are far better at manipulation than men. But what can he gain here by lying? He is the one asking for advice, so if that advice is going to be any use to him, it's better to state the truth, surely. How does making her sound worse than she actually is help him? It's him we are trying to help not her, she hasn't asked us.

Well it took me 18, so again I think he's done quite well here! I did the same, I ate what my husband wanted to eat (I've explained that in an earlier post) I got fat, he didn't. I expect it took Designerman 1 so long because he let things drift along, I've done that too. He was diagnosed diabetic in February last year and that is when he started to look after himself. How many of us, did that..... especially the men? I can also read between the lines, but read differently to you. I identify with what he says in lots of respects so find it easier to believe him, that doesn't necessarily make me gullible. If I am talking about my home life of course I am going to put my slant on it. It doesn't mean it isn't true, just maybe a different way of expressing it to the way my husband would talk about the situation. Both accounts can be very different, but still true at the same time.

[QUOTE="lunarlinda, post: 568294, member: 101852

I think there is one thing now that will stop this play act, and that is for Designerman to come clean and tell it as it really is. I would have much respect for him if he would do that. He would maybe then get some helpful advice from the knowledgeable ones on the site.

As for your question about if I have a problem with men in general, the answer is no, I don't.[/QUOTE]

Good idea, if there is anything you have maybe misrepresented inadvertently or otherwise Designerman 1, tell us now.
And finally, good, lunarlinda, I'm glad you don't.
 
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