Vastly Improved Blood Sugars - Midlife Crisis?

[this is too difficult]

What are we going to do if we disagree? I guess we're going to disagree.

What are we going to do if we agree? hopefully we'll agree

I guess this is truly the definition of a forum in it's most historic sense.

That's just a guess though.

 

[Designerman 1]

No, I'm not 'trying to uphold your actions by my standards'.
I am saying that actions have consequences - which you cannot control.

There are many things that I have done (and many more to come, I expect!) that have cringeworthy consequences for me. The way I cope is by examining my motivations. Was I acting with integrity? If so, then fine. Sh*t happens. It also passes.
If I wasn't acting with integrity, then it's a useful lesson not to be such a pillock, ever again.

I'm not asking you to do the same.
I am asking you if you do the same.

Of course I ascertain whether my actions are are appropriate, thought out etc. I've learnt from enough stupid interactions with girls as a teenager what I should and shouldn't do, trust me, I have a back catalogue of cringe to guide me through decision making.

It's also another reason why I started this thread, but alas, I think it was probably a mistake, I might even look back at this and cringe, but hey - you don't ask, you don't get, and I cannot deny the feelings I am getting.

 

[Beshlie]

I don't see it as wrong forum, my personality has changed enormously since getting BGs under control, I feel like a different person, I can remember a few years ago where thinking about just doing something felt like an effort - say getting up to make a cup of tea at work, in fact raising my arms above my head felt like an effort as well. Now I feel capable of a lot, in the workplace, at home, wherever.

I feel like a different person to the guy I was in 2012, I'm sure it's related to BG control.

I have certainly noticed a change in myself since being diagnosed followed by starting to feel better, both healthwise and feeling more like my old self. Before diagnosis I was like a slug, no energy or interest in my artwork or music etc, it was as though somewhere along the way I had lost my true self. However, although I have a way to go before feeling on top form, I found, especially as my BS levels came down and I also lost 3 stones, I began to change, and I still am. My interests are returning and I even splashed out on some Bose speakers - little rebel that I am becoming . I have even started to wear a little make-up and had no interest before, and now I am thinking of getting my hair cut and styled as a treat when I have lost my last stone. And really all this is down to being diagnosed and getting those BS levels down and all the benefits that go with that. There is no other explanation. I don't call it a midlife crisis, it's more like being reborn or reclaiming the times when I was the real ME. I don't know for how long my BS was too high, but my 'slug' state goes back a while. The other things is that I lost confidence in everything, even driving which is my only way of getting out and about, so this is the next thing, to drive my car again. I do have my 'down' days but the 'up' days are more frequent now. I do have some relationship problems and although remain married I can't live with my husband, so I have my home and he lives in our house, which works for us as we each have our own space. I do hope that you can sort something out between you, even if it's not considered 'conventional', which is something I have never been really.

 

[peacetrain]

They say men are from mars and women from Venus. Some couples manage to make a good match, some don't and some lie somewhere between the two with ups and downs but manage to remain together with a workable relationship.




Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[gig]

I have enjoyed reading such an opinion opening post as this . I do hope designerman 1 that a trip to the gp helps you, but the answer is with yourself really,, you probably have a better relationship than most couples do have. You just need to find youself and realise that your diagnosis has made you a new person and doesnt mean you need a new partner wishing you the very very best to both of you.your life has changed be a bit more kind to yourself dont let diabetes ruin you or your relationship.

 

[sanguine]

Sorry, but not sure why you've put those two quotes in the same post..?

And, on a much more frivolous note, how do you do the double quote thingy? It's very snazzy!

TitD didn't know, and nor do I! Some forum software has a system where you can tick all the posts you want to quote and do a 'multiquote' reply, but that doesn't apply here (either that or the facility isn't enabled). You could do it manually using the BB code*

blah blah

and copy/paste the content of the quote but that's a real faff.

* you may have seen this code when you reply to a post, including a single quote. The quote starts for instance with (square bracket) QUOTE="sanguine" (square bracket), blah blah, (square bracket) /QUOTE (square bracket). I had to write out square bracket there "[ ]" otherwise it would just do it.

 

[catherinecherub]

TitD didn't know, and nor do I! Some forum software has a system where you can tick all the posts you want to quote and do a 'multiquote' reply, but that doesn't apply here (either that or the facility isn't enabled). You could do it manually using the BB code ("") but that's a real faff.

TitD didn't know, and nor do I! Some forum software has a system where you can tick all the posts you want to quote and do a 'multiquote' reply, but that doesn't apply here (either that or the facility isn't enabled). You could do it manually using the BB code ("") but that's a real faff.

TitD didn't know, and nor do I! Some forum software has a system where you can tick all the posts you want to quote and do a 'multiquote' reply, but that doesn't apply here (either that or the facility isn't enabled). You could do it manually using the BB code ("") but that's a real faff.

You just press the reply button twice or three times as in this case on the post you want to quote.

That's just a guess though.

That's just a guess though.

 

[sanguine]

Aha, thanks (as this thread takes yet another turn)!

 

[catherinecherub]

I've been reading through this thread today and would like to say to the OP that whilst your wife may have decided that she did not want any children, she still could have reversed that decision prior to the hysterectomy. A hysterectomy does depress a lot of women of child bearing age regardless if they have children or not. Some feel it affects their femininity and they feel undesirable and some feel less of a woman. Sadly there is no counselling offered to women who undergo this surgery but I think in your partner's case it may have helped her to come to terms with it.

I think it is also telling that she removed mirrors around the home when you became more aware of your new image. You may not have noticed yourself using the mirrors as you walked past. She may have felt that you only cared about you since your change of image as she did say, "You only love yourself now". (your words). Do a bit of people watching and see how many people will look at their reflection in a shop window as they walk past. Some people cannot live without mirrors whilst others only use them out of necessity when leaving the house, "One last look to see if I look my best." Some people do not like them what they see and will keep away from them. I wonder how many times you used them before your transformation.

I think it is a really sad and emotional situation you are both in and I cannot see any resolution without the involvement of a third party be it Dr, or Psychologist.

You say she is not amenable to a conversation with you. How about printing this thread off and letting her read it? At least then she will be aware of your thoughts and she might be upset to think you have discussed it with strangers but she might also be so angry that she will let rip and tell you how she feels.

 

[dawnmc]

I too have found this interesting, I think as more has been written some clarification has emerged, I mean writing it down is not like a conversation where you have intonation etc.
As for a mid life crisis my (ex) husband had his at 25 - 1/4 century and all that. We divorced after 22 years and 4 kids. Fortunately we remain friends, but it was hard at the time to admit that things were wrong. At 40 we split up. Funnily enough soon after that I had a hysterectomy (the best thing). I am now with someone who I have been with for 16 years - we never argue, disagree yes, but we do discuss things. I think unless you can talk to each other there will never be a good outcome, it actually sounds as if you both are biding your time to do something about it. Neither of you wants to hurt each other, but you are. It actually took me 2 years to finally admit that my marriage was over. Its hard, it hurts, you grieve but you do move on.

 

[Designerman 1]

So, I've had a break from the forums and tried to live out a normal life during time off with my partner, it's been a time of mixed feelings, we are off work and the sun is shining pretty much every day.

I've been doubling up my efforts at the gym and going twice a day,(Don't worry she is getting ready during my first morning session), and my emotions are mixed(as usual) there are times and days where things are mostly good(and the thought of upsetting her because I want to leave her makes e cry), but, I can't help but feel there is some kind of emotional distance between us at a very subtle level, however it manifests at a higher level after she has drank, like tonight.

This is the binding element in all of this. Her drinking.

I got back from the gym tonight and she had started to cook dinner, I didn't ask her to. she was clearly drunk, and, yeah...I did a stupid thing, which was remind her that she owed me £5 from the birthday party meal out we'd been to on the night before..of course she couldn't remember this, because she had drank that night, and we are in the argument zone...she is so petty about money that this conversation ended with her crying in the front room, eating dinner separately and her going to bed, or rather falling asleep on the bed drunk fully clothed.

I've had a think about things and I think this is more than a midlife crisis, I have awakened to myself, and, I don't think she likes it. She doesn't like me being image conscious about myself, which I now am, and that was partly the haze of high blood sugars covering it, but...I think she liked the lazy docile high blood sugared me, and not the alert, freethinking version of me that has emerged over the past year.

 

[Onlyababy]

This has been a interesting post, and I do think this was the right place to come with this, some may not agree but as you said you wanting advice if other diabetics had these feelings and thoughts that you were experiencing. Surely it as to be a good thing to get something that is troubling you off your chest and not bottling it all up in your mind. I think there is a few issues that is going on in your life at the moment IE your relasionshp, the diabetes also your father's cancer, and your thoughts are just going around and around in your mind and gone in to overload. You, need to talk to your partner with that said its easer said then done . I don't have the answers only you know what is best for you and your relasionship but I wish you well in your future

 

[zand]

Yes Designerman 1, I echo the previous post and yes, I too wish you well in your future and would like you to be happy again.

 

[Avocado Sevenfold]

I did a stupid thing, which was remind her that she owed me £5 from the birthday party meal out we'd been to on the night before.....she is so petty about money

Wow.

 

[SJC]

So, I've had a break from the forums and tried to live out a normal life during time off with my partner, it's been a time of mixed feelings, we are off work and the sun is shining pretty much every day.

I've been doubling up my efforts at the gym and going twice a day,(Don't worry she is getting ready during my first morning session), and my emotions are mixed(as usual) there are times and days where things are mostly good(and the thought of upsetting her because I want to leave her makes e cry), but, I can't help but feel there is some kind of emotional distance between us at a very subtle level, however it manifests at a higher level after she has drank, like tonight.

This is the binding element in all of this. Her drinking.

I got back from the gym tonight and she had started to cook dinner, I didn't ask her to. she was clearly drunk, and, yeah...I did a stupid thing, which was remind her that she owed me £5 from the birthday party meal out we'd been to on the night before..of course she couldn't remember this, because she had drank that night, and we are in the argument zone...she is so petty about money that this conversation ended with her crying in the front room, eating dinner separately and her going to bed, or rather falling asleep on the bed drunk fully clothed.

I've had a think about things and I think this is more than a midlife crisis, I have awakened to myself, and, I don't think she likes it. She doesn't like me being image conscious about myself, which I now am, and that was partly the haze of high blood sugars covering it, but...I think she liked the lazy docile high blood sugared me, and not the alert, freethinking version of me that has emerged over the past year.

If you are right, then your partner is feeling insecure and unloved. If that is the case then there's maybe something you could do to put that right....if you want to.

There's a picture building up here and whether it's right or wrong I have no idea but I will say what I feel.

She's a drinker. People usually turn to alcohol in order to cope with something they can't solve. People who do this often have low self esteem. So she has some lack of self worth to begin with. Then she has a hystetectomy and becomes even more unsure of herself and loses a little more control in her life. Then you start 'bettering' yourself, your image. She must feel as though she is losing you and yet more control. When people feel they are losing control life becomes scary....more drinking...more loss of self esteem.

This all fits in with her trying hard to always look nice (its about control and her desperation to stay in control). She sounds scared to me so I wonder what you are saying or doing to help her. If you don't know how you feel, unless you are a very good actor, she is feeling it believe me. If you care about her (didn't say love her,) you need to make her feel secure. In a relationship, what's a fiver between partners? She must have felt that she wasn't even worth that five pounds given her present state of mind...and in drink. Hence she cries.

If you care for her you need to help build her self-esteem, make her feel important, surprise her with something heartfelt, tell her for the relationship's sake she should address her drinking and more importantly WHY she's drinking so much. Tell her you will attend any counselling with her....support....support.

If she's in denial then there's not a lot you can do. Have you told her how your improving your image would never interfere with the relationship? How important she is to you? If not then I rest my case. She will just become more insecure and drink more to cover everything up. You could start by telling her you don't want the five pounds because what's yours is hers too.

 

[SJC]

See? You are saying she's petty about money but isn't the whole idea about owing 5 pounds between partners a little petty?

 

[donnellysdogs]

Designerman

Discussing anything with a bottle of wine each, is not a good idea....

Sitting across each other at a tsble when sober is.. Not next to each other on a settee...

You both need to show some mindfulness to each other.. Telling OH you were going to gym 2 times a day whilst on hols would have made her feel excluded....perhaps asking what you would both do together for hols, and then dropping in extra gym sessions would have been better...

Personally, I love to encourage others to take pride in themselves and improve health and wellbeing, but there are women I know that think if their partners suddenly do this that they are interested in someone else.. Even though the guys are just doing it for their own health...

I think you would be better off having a mindful, grown up conversation over a table with no tv, nothing to distract you both and no alchohol. At the moment I see your relationship falling apart from your words.. And neither one of you understanding just how your weightloss and feeling pride again is affecting you both... And as you are in a relationship when somebody changes then of course it's going to impact upon the other person....she may just be really miffed off that perhaps you've been buying new clothes, but she has wanted something...or that she is wondering if you seeing someone else...etc...or your new pride in yourself is taking some attention away from her....




Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[Designerman 1]

It was only her drinking, after all, I had just been to the gym. And the gym thing is very carefully organised and timed as to not disrupt the day:

10 - 11am, whilst she is getting ready for the day(If you delve deeper into the thread there's quite a bit about how long she takes to get ready in the mornings), so this doesn't impact on our activities

and 7 - 8pm, which is pretty much after anything we'd do on a day out.

 

[donnellysdogs]

I know what you say about times of gym whilst OH taking her time, but in her thoughts it could still be exclusion...if I want to do something which hubby may not agree with I always think first nowadays... 'How is the best way to say this, how will he interpret this?' 'Will he see this as excluding him?' I know fully where you come from. I'm not a 2-3 hour preparation girl, and I don't understand that..

Sounds as if the preparation time for the day ahead is taking its toll on you to be honest, but then have you actually sat opposite her at a table and said "why do you have a problem with me going to the gym whilst you are getting ready?"

Sorry, I interpreted that you had a bottle too.. Sorry, my fault..apologies.. That not fair either to be honest. Its not nice to go home to somebody that has their thoughts rattled by alchohol.


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[SJC]

The trouble is that most of this has already been said...the need to discuss....the need to address. What more can anyone say? I cant understand why one or both of you isn't being totally honest. The longer you creep around it all the longer it will go on. Seems a stagnant situation with no action.