I have had a very strange week, yesterday the 17th of April it was my sons 13th birthday but also it was 3 years since my kidney and pancreas transplant. On the surface i have to act happy with it being his birthday and i missed his 10th but it takes me back to the 16/04/15 when at 6:40 am my phone rang to tell me to get to hospital as they had a kidney and pancreas for me. This was what we had been waiting for i got the children up as i am a single father and told them the news and my son broke down in tears, i hugged him and told him i was going to be alright but i new that he was thinking i may die and i was feeling that way to. I knew that i had to go and have it as i was weeks away from having a tube in my tummy. They left for school but my son was staying off, that last hug and kiss with me telling them i would be o.k was hard. My bags were packed i took a photo of my children with me just so i new why i was going for this.
I got to the hospital for 9 and was told it would be about lunch time when i would have it but they needed a ECG but were busy and no nurse was available so i went and got it myself, then the time was changed to 5pm my BP was normal which they thought it would be up. I rang my dad to tell him that there was a delay and spoke to the children, then the nurse said it is going to be midnight but at 11 pm i was told it was a bit delayed but could i have a shower with the soap they give me. I was lying in bed then i heard a trolley coming i knew it was for me as there was only me waiting, i looked at the photo of the children and said i will be ok. It took 7 hours but when i heard someone calling my name i new i was still alive.
It was about 10 days later when it fully hits you that you are in this bed because someone had died and i found it hard to take. On the plus side i would get to see my children grow up but on the negative side their was a family was mourning the loss of a loved one, when i found out it was a 23 year old male it made it worse. He was just a young man his life in front of him and i am here with his kidney and pancreas. Even now the guilt i carry is still the same what had happened to this young mans family but also to my own family. Sometimes the guilt turns to anger and then tears, my children have been through some rough times and some of them i have caused. I still do not know the answers or even the questions, i have seen different people from the mental health service but how can they tell you the answers if they have not been there. Will i ever find out i just do not know. will i get to see my children grow up and will they find something that will give me a better quality of life? How do i thank the man who made me have more years and has given me what i wanted, time.
I got to the hospital for 9 and was told it would be about lunch time when i would have it but they needed a ECG but were busy and no nurse was available so i went and got it myself, then the time was changed to 5pm my BP was normal which they thought it would be up. I rang my dad to tell him that there was a delay and spoke to the children, then the nurse said it is going to be midnight but at 11 pm i was told it was a bit delayed but could i have a shower with the soap they give me. I was lying in bed then i heard a trolley coming i knew it was for me as there was only me waiting, i looked at the photo of the children and said i will be ok. It took 7 hours but when i heard someone calling my name i new i was still alive.
It was about 10 days later when it fully hits you that you are in this bed because someone had died and i found it hard to take. On the plus side i would get to see my children grow up but on the negative side their was a family was mourning the loss of a loved one, when i found out it was a 23 year old male it made it worse. He was just a young man his life in front of him and i am here with his kidney and pancreas. Even now the guilt i carry is still the same what had happened to this young mans family but also to my own family. Sometimes the guilt turns to anger and then tears, my children have been through some rough times and some of them i have caused. I still do not know the answers or even the questions, i have seen different people from the mental health service but how can they tell you the answers if they have not been there. Will i ever find out i just do not know. will i get to see my children grow up and will they find something that will give me a better quality of life? How do i thank the man who made me have more years and has given me what i wanted, time.
