What's wrong with me?

[Alex_B]

I've been diagnosed for 2 years now, and I have never had any control over my diabetes, I was diagnosed when I was just turning 19 years old, (I don't know if that's relevant for this post). I don't test (Don't have a go at me for it), I barely inject, I now have a kidney infection and on strong antibiotics. My mental health has been bad for the past 2 years, worse since being diagnosed. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, or my brain, but when people tell me I have to "look after myself", "inject", "test my sugars", I don't listen, I want to look after myself, don't get me wrong there, but I don't know if its because 1) my mental health is worse than before, 2) I was too set in my ways when I was diagnosed and I don't want to change, or 3) I'm just stupid?

Everyone else seems to either be managing/controlling it better, coping a lot better with diabetes. But I just seem to make my life and diabetes more difficult. I've been crying most of the day, I've been shaking because I am stressed out because I just can't cope with it anymore. I am not getting any support from my diabetes nurses, they just sit there and tell me to test and inject. They don't care for my emotional welbeing. I will soon chuck my diabetes pens, and needles and everything else in the bin and say screw it, cause I really can't do this anymore. I just don't know how much longer I can do this for.

 

[Diakat]

Hey @Alex_B
No you are not the only one. I have a real life friend in their 40s in a similar situation. They know what they should do but cannot bring themself to do it.
The only thing I can suggest to both of you is that the mental aspect needs addressing. And this is easier said than done as the high sugars make mental health more precarious.
No one here will judge you, we all know this is tough.

 

[Alex_B]

@Diakat I have 7 monthly visits to the hospital, which I think is wrong. I've asked for 2-3 monthly visits again, but they said I have to wait till my August appointment to speak to a doctor there about it. They don't seem bothered that I am mentally drained from stress all the time. Even before diabetes I had so much to deal with and still have. They don't care about that, its just all diabetes with them.

 

[Diakat]

@Diakat I have 7 monthly visits to the hospital, which I think is wrong. I've asked for 2-3 monthly visits again, but they said I have to wait till my August appointment to speak to a doctor there about it. They don't seem bothered that I am mentally drained from stress all the time. Even before diabetes I had so much to deal with and still have. They don't care about that, its just all diabetes with them.

Have you seen a diabetes psychologist or just the nurse?

 

[Alex_B]

Both. Had CBT but it didn't work at all.

 

[Diakat]

In that case share with the doc that the CBT did not work and ask how else they can support you.
Remember that you are not alone.

 

[Alison54321]

I was diagnosed when I was 19, and went off to university, not that long after. I didn't have very good control at all, but all that was available then were urine tests, and I rarely did them.

However I survived. Though I did inject, and eat, but I had very little idea what my blood sugar was doing. Obviously that isn't ideal, but I don't think you should assume everyone else is managing well, because many people aren't.

18 is the start of adulthood, and to find yourself with diabetes at that age is quite a problem, I think. Instead of hearing about all the things you could be doing, and all the opportunities, you are instead being told about all the bad things that could happen to you. Not the best start to independent life as an adult. It's incredibly negative.

It's not remotely unreasonably to feel emotionally destabilised.

A few years ago I started seeing a counsellor, not an NHS provided one, but a properly qualified one who was working one day a week as a volunteer, for an organisation that offered very low cost counselling. They were great, they let me go to them for years, and it was very useful.

And my diabetes is much better controlled now.

That was in Edinburgh, and Edinburgh is full of people who like doing that sort of thing, but if you look around you might find something nearby, they do exist.

The issues are complex, and it would take a while to understand how you feel, in any meaningful way, so CBT is a bit of a waste of time.

 

[Dandilion]

This is exactly how I feel - so if there is something wrong with you for thinking that way then at least you know youre not alone in that!

Its my biggest hate when people make me feel guilty for not testing/injecting - my mental health is at a low anyway so telling me how bad i am at controlling my diabetes is not going to make things better. In fact for some stupid reason the more they tell me to look after myself the more i seem to think “**** it” and just ignore it more.

I know its wrong, and i do want to be better and to control my sugars - i want to not have all the complications which will inevitably come as a result, but its like there is a barrier and i just cant push past it.

I cant offer you any options or help, but i can say you’re definitely not alone in how you feel - even if it seems everyone can just cope and get on with it, there are others of us who are struggling too xx

 

[Belzedar]

I don't know if there is something wrong with me, or my brain, but when people tell me I have to "look after myself", "inject", "test my sugars", I don't listen, I want to look after myself, don't get me wrong there, but I don't know if its because 1) my mental health is worse than before, 2) I was too set in my ways when I was diagnosed and I don't want to change, or 3) I'm just stupid?

@Alex_B I have an inkling of what you're going through and one of the things I'm picking up on is the loneliness and isolation. Others have been down that path and some have spoken here. I think it might help to know that it is not an unknown path. Nobody has mentioned 'diabetes burnout' yet, so I will and refer you to this page on this site: https://www.diabetes.co.uk/emotions/diabetes-burnout.html

You don't have to be perfect, just try to do better. That's not me nagging you, just a reminder that sometimes stepping back can help. And that's not me suggesting you become less engaged, just that you might be a little more forgiving of yourself for struggling. It's a learning process and sometimes the stuff you try doesn't work.

You're already overwhelmed. Getting more whelmed [sic] won't see it sorted.

I think you mentioned your age and wondered why you did that. It's relevant. At your age, you're much more socially invested than someone twice your age and fitting in your requirements with a social life and interactions with other people, typically around food and booze, is more of a challenge.

 

[holly_20]

This is exactly how I feel at the moment. But I’m suffering with diabetic burnout! I stop testing and think that everyone’s just getting on at me.

4 years ago I landed myself in ICU due to not been able to give myself injections and wouldn’t allow anyone to give me them. I got put on the pump as I couldn’t do injections. Still have panic attacks to this day!

I can’t control my blood sugars. I cry at every little thing, doesn’t matter what anyone tells me I always think negative, takes me a while to come round.

I’m sorry I’m not much of an adviser but it takes time to get to grips with what we have! I feel awful on my other half because I just can’t explain properly how I feel. I hope you feel better soon x

 

[kitedoc]

Hi @Alex_B,
I have been at desperation point a number of times in my 51 years on insulin in the Antipodes (Australia). That I survived comes down to luck, some big shake-ups, finding a person to speak with professionally ( in my case a good psychiatrist), having a great diabetes doctor and diabetes nurse who both really listened, and humour, black, or whatever type worked best at the time.
I was 13 when diagnosed, so i can relate to the bloody urine testing and the big questions about life which unfolded within years.. I have a strong family history of depression which on top of the diabetes did not help either.
Try talking to your GP, see if he/she can refer you to a counsellor or even a psychiatrist. Please do this NOW. August is too far away !When I was desperate and things were looking grim, like pulling off my pump and walking off, my GP and a good friend were my lifelines. As long as the occasional BSLS I took were less than say 16 and more than 4 mmol/l and I ate, tried some exercise ( and exercise is great when BSLS are less than 14 !!), the mind mending was the main focus.
Cultivate friends who will not judge you but support you ( and ward you off doing anything risky, which afterall is what you would do in the reverse situation.!)
Find something to do - a friend when at home would lay bricks and build his 'recovery wall', The small brick laying trowel he used would accompany him to sessions with his counsellor as a reminder. I got into making kites, no matter how inexpertly constructed, some did fly, and my frustration fly out the window with them.. A lady wrote a diary, another painted stuff.
Avoid making any major decisions, especially financial or contractural ones until you can think more clearly
Also I avoided alcohol, it only made things go away for a short time but nothing ever got solved and it did not help with sleep.
I know I have just issued some to-do things. And you are sick of that, BUT they are suggestions nothing more, things that helped me get past and see past the ever closing horizon of bleakness and despair.
In my case seeing a psychiatrist, even a psychologist was a big deal because there was a kinda social stigma I saw in doing so. One session later my doubts were erased.
Being able to use self humour and look for, maybe even collect, cartoons etc etc are other things to consider along the way.
Life is serious enough but humour makes us see if differently if even only for a while.
Keep posting on this site please , ask questions, vent feelings, develop (but preferably not post) new swear words if that helps !!

 

[Brie912]

Alex, firstly, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just going through some tough stuff and you will get through it. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years (now age 23) and it makes dealing with my physical health so hard. I think you definitely need to go see your GP and tell them you need help, more than just CBT or meds and explain the connection between your mental health and your poor diabetes control. And you've probably heard it before but try to get into a routine with your testing and insulin. Make that your goal for the day and celebrate the small victories. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out, because it doesn't help anyone and there's always another day. And if your diabetes isn't controlled, you're going to feel like rubbish anyway, give yourself a break.

What do you do? Are you in uni or do you have a job? Hoping you start feeling better x