Bit of a breakdown

[Trixy83]

I think I finally cracked at the weekend. Since I was diagnosed in Januray I have tackled this thing head on and thought I had accepted that this is how I am going to be so I will deal with it. I didn't even realise it was starting to get to me until Saturday. I was at the park with my little boy (he's 2 in 3 weeks) and he wanted ice cream so without even thinking I got two cones from the ice cream van and we sat eating them while watching the ducks like a "normal" mum and son. Then I suddenly realised hold on I haven't checked my blood, I haven't taken any insulin, I don't even know how ice cream affects me as I haven't touched it since diagnosis! It was like I just got totally overwhelmed and I broke down. I sat there sobbing my heart out for what felt like 3 months worth of emotions coming out (I haven't cried once about this).

Rather than picking myself up and brushing it off and getting back to what I was doing I went to the supermarket, big mistake!! I bought every single nice thing that I've been missing, ice cream, chocolate, crisps, biscuits, and over the course of Saturday and Sunday I ate the lot, I didn't bother checking my levels properly or worring about the right amount of insulin, I just ate and enjoyed it. I checked my blood a couple of times and could obvioulsy see it was starting to get high but I just thought I don't care anymore. I spent the whole weekend wallowing in my own self pity.

Last night I started to feel guilty. I'm on my own with my little boy, I'm his only parent and all he has, how bloody selfish am I to act like I don't care when I have this amazing little boy who needs me. So I gave myself a hard kick up the backside and said no more. I've had my pity party over all this, I've still woke up with this condition and I just need to man up and get on with it. I think I'm starting to feel the effects of it though, I woke up today and checked my blood and gave myself a correction dose and I'm still sitting quite high when usually that would have worked.

I'm assuming that a weekend of eating nothing but rubbish will take a couple of days to leave my system and for things to get back to normal? I know this is a pretty pointless post, I just had to get it all out with others that I assume will understand how I feel. As supportive as my friends and family have been they don't quite understand how all this makes you feel. I will get over this, I will not let it get me that down again!

 

[AndyS]

Hey Trixy,

It's a hard one when it does finally hit you. One thing I have learned is that occasionally you do need to let things slide, even though as you said your self you did have something of a pitty party. To be honest I am a little jealous of what you likely ate, hope you enjoyed it though.

First off let's deal with the practical bits though shall we? Yes it can take a few days to bring your levels back down to where you would like them and some people may argue that it is probably safer to bring them down gradually. One thing you should be conscious of while your figures are high is that you will dehydrate quite easily so make sure you keep your fluid intake up. That will also help your body while it is fighting to get the levels back down with the other tools it has (good old kidneys). So don't be tempted to just do massive doses, treat the highs you have as you would any other correction at the times you would normally correct.

I would argue (and I think some would argue aginst me) that if you are out with your lad and you want an icecream then have said icecream. Just make a mental note to dose for it when you get home. It is not ideal to eat and dose without knowing where you were before you started but if you dose to cover what you ate when you get home then it is better than nothing.

I posetd a few weeks ago (well rambled perhaps) on how insidious this condition is and there are aspects of it that really do sneak up on you and give you a nasty kicking. The main thing is to pick yourself up, take a breath, forget about yesterday (since there is nothing you can do about it now) and get on with today, which you can do something about.

Having a small blow out now and then is not liable to be a major problem in the longer term as long as you are doing a good job of controlling yourself the rest of the time. Also sometimes you will have that icecream of that cake and take an educated guess at what it is and dose then find out later you nailed it. That is a cool feeling!

Chin up, you had your party now don't be too hard on yourself and just focus on what you can do now.

All the best, hope you feel better soon.

/A

 

[RosieLKH]

Nothing to add to what was said above, but just wanted to send some virtual support! All the best.

 

[Trixy83]

Thanks guys! I'm really annoyed with myself. I think I'm a bit too much of a perfectionist and this stupid unpredictable condition just makes that hard. It sounds wrong but it's almost like the novelty has worn off and reality is setting in! Some great advise there @AndyS and I will take it all on board and pick myself back up and get back on track one small step at a time.

 

[AndyS]

I get the perfectionist thing. Though learning to have an approach of "well it's good enough" is tough but will certainly save your sanity and general well being with this condiction.

But as I said, a wee blip now and then is not liable to be a massive issue in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Mike d]

Brilliant @AndyS

Loud applause for your good words

Mike

 

[LaineyK]

Well done Trixy, I think your marvellous for being honest. I had a melt down in the supermarket about a month ago, buying Easter eggs and chrisps, pizza etc, as my family were coming up to stay for Easter, I just felt it wasn't fair I was buying them all this great stuff!!!
I too have a little boy, and get weepy when I think too hard, but then I give myself a strong talking to, too, lol, back on the horse, good girl

 

[Trixy83]

Aww thanks @LaineyK. It's so hard isn't it trying to keep a brave face on it all. What I don't want is my little boy picking up on my love/hate relationship with food just now. I've always followed the he eats what I eat at meal times approach but recently I've not been doing that. We've been mostly having the same but where I won't have pasta, rice etc he will. He defo notices because he will try and eat off my plate instead as he always wants to do what I do. I want to get back to us having the same and not being any different.
I think part of my problem is that I've tried to do too much at once (maybe I'm just making excuses for myself here but..) I always enjoyed food, I would eat what I want when I want which often involved pasta, chips, chocolate etc. Since diagnosis I've been convinced low carb is the way forward but I think cold turkey wasn't the best way. Going from where I was to around 20/30g was maybe a step too much. I've been so stuck in the more carbs = more insulin = more weight put on mentality I've forgot that I also need to enjoy my food. So what if I need extra insulin to enjoy a treat and put on a bit of weight, I'll just need to get off my lazy backside and exercise it off rather than eat less. My way of working the last few weeks has worked well up until now, 6 days low carb and one day where I have what I want, but maybe I need to rethink. Maybe it would be better for me to have more carbs each day and try to continue to eat a "normal" diet without worrying. I need to remember I'm still early days and still trying to figure out what works best for me and my lifestyle. I also need to stop thinking so much!

 

[DunePlodder]

I've been doing this for 20+ years & since first diagnosis there was the promise of a cure in about 5 years.
Obviously it hasn't happened BUT I really believe that things are finally starting to improve. Not a cure yet, but faster acting insulins including inhaled ones which don't need to be injected - these will make a big difference.
Technology is also improving. Within the next 5 years there should be continuous glucose monitors which don't need blood test calibrations. Inteligent insulin pumps - so called artificial pancreas's - are being trialled.
Have a look at http://diyps.org/2015/01/31/diyps-closed-loop-one-month-of-data-it-still-works-great/
This is all about a couple who have built their own closed loop artificial pancreas.

Look after yourself so that you are healthy enough to take advantage of these advances.. & who knows there may be a cure in say .... 5 years!

 

[Jillyp83]

I have been the same, so sick of calculating and adding up and it all just gets on top of you, I have been LCHF for a while but I had a holiday coming up for my little boys 2nd birthday was reading it as I knew everyone was just eating what they wanted. So I thought to myself this is ridiculous how can I dread a holiday so I just had a break from LCHF I know many people would frown upon it but hey ho back on the wagon today after 9 days we all need treats. I sooooo enjoyed my holiday I was checking my bloods all the time but enjoyed having the nice food and spending the week with my family without diabetes ruling the roost great post on this thread x

 

[LaineyK]

Aww thanks @LaineyK. It's so hard isn't it trying to keep a brave face on it all. What I don't want is my little boy picking up on my love/hate relationship with food just now. I've always followed the he eats what I eat at meal times approach but recently I've not been doing that. We've been mostly having the same but where I won't have pasta, rice etc he will. He defo notices because he will try and eat off my plate instead as he always wants to do what I do. I want to get back to us having the same and not being any different.
I think part of my problem is that I've tried to do too much at once (maybe I'm just making excuses for myself here but..) I always enjoyed food, I would eat what I want when I want which often involved pasta, chips, chocolate etc. Since diagnosis I've been convinced low carb is the way forward but I think cold turkey wasn't the best way. Going from where I was to around 20/30g was maybe a step too much. I've been so stuck in the more carbs = more insulin = more weight put on mentality I've forgot that I also need to enjoy my food. So what if I need extra insulin to enjoy a treat and put on a bit of weight, I'll just need to get off my lazy backside and exercise it off rather than eat less. My way of working the last few weeks has worked well up until now, 6 days low carb and one day where I have what I want, but maybe I need to rethink. Maybe it would be better for me to have more carbs each day and try to continue to eat a "normal" diet without worrying. I need to remember I'm still early days and still trying to figure out what works best for me and my lifestyle. I also need to stop thinking so much!

Hi Trixy. I do about 120 carbs every day. Same brekkie(which is cherios) and same lunch( burgen small sandwhich with meat and salad and small bag chrisps like French fries) every day, then mainly meat and 2 veg for tea, or a creamy pasta with about 10 small wholewheat pasta shells lol.
Tonight I'm having a chilli Bolognese beef then I put it into a tortilla wrap with plenty salad and some grated cheese, yummy , I have lost a stone in 4 months, and am stable now, I want to lose another stone though. I'm not strict enough with myself to go too low carb ha ha!!! I dont have chips or much starchy carbs though.

 

[Trixy83]

I'm so glad to see I'm not alone with this one (well not glad you's feel the same but you know what I mean!) I think I need to reassess my diet and what is achieveable for me long term. I'm 5'10 and weigh less than 10st, I'm not overweight or need to lose any weight so why I'm so hung up I don't know. I just know what I've been doing is not working for me. I'm happy with breakfast and dinner being low carb, (egg for breakfast and meat with veg for dinner) but I struggle with lunch and struggle with oh I fancy buut I can't have. Feeling more positive about it all already just thinking about a big plate of chips!! haha

 

[dancer]

Gosh, Trixie83, how did you manage for so long? Well done you!

The others have given good advice. You shouldn't be hard on yourself. It's normal to want to be the same as everyone else. Just be careful to note what works and what doesn't. I tend to have "nice things" now and again but occasionally I have them more often (holidays, Christmas).

Be good to yourself, as long as you're sensible, you'll be fine!

 

[moonchip]

I'm sorry @Trixy83 but I don't know much about T1 (I'm T2) but please dont feel bad for what happened - OK, you lost the path briefly and now you're back in the groove

It happens - thats life Don't punish yourself or feel bad

We're human beings and we're far from perfect. We're all struggling to a greater or lesser degree with a wide variety of issues .... maybe that's the real meaning of life

Its a journey Trixy and its a long long walk not a quick sprint. So, you took a wrong turn but you're back on the path now. You're aware of your hiccup and you deserve the utmost praise (and I offer it to you) for being so honest

You're some 12,000 days old and you had a blip for 2 days -- its not a big deal ....... its not even a 'deal' at all

PS: I'm envious of all those things you ate ...... I hope you really enjoyed them

 

[Gaz-M]

you had a stumble that is all

we are all human and at times it does get hard to risist things no matter how long you have been diagnosed

you have done the right thing by kicking yourself up the hoop and thinking about your little boy, if it happens again try to resist on eating the lot in a weekend lol

 

[Trixy83]

Thanks all! Your honestly such a good motivating bunch I feel so much better tonight. It seems all my insulin today had kicked in and I'm back down to normal levels. Just need to keep it that way! Dinner tonight is sausage bacon and egg and seen as I'm starting new I'm not feeling guilty about sticking a potato scone on as well! I mean that takes me to 4 units to cover the carbs, that's really not that bad. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I'm only 3 months in today! I've made a heck of a lot bigger mistakes in my 32 years than one super binge in the last 3 months. Onwards and upwards and learn from this mistake. Thanks all for your words.

 

[Gaz-M]

thats the attitude to have and 3 month in is no time at all

 

[Robinredbreast]

Just wanted to give you a virtual ((((((( hug )))))) I have been and still am, a single parent and at times you just want to scream or say NO MORE DIABETES, but it's just a blip and you saw it, dealt with it and moving on. I bet your 2 year would say "mummy you took a wrong turn, I love you and am so proud of you, you are my mummy, you got back on track and I love you to bits"

All the best and take care, RRB x

 

[Juicyj]

Just read your post and it honestly moved me so much.

You hit the nail on the head for me too as a parent, I don't want my daughter to suffer as a result so try to keep her life as normal as I can which means that I don't want her to grow up with my choices but her own, but at times like Xmas and easter when they are chocs lying about and my self control dips then it's hard not to resist. I try to low carb as much as I can but I fall down too, for me the trick is just getting back on it as quickly as I can and to not feel defeated. I went to a friends house for dinner a few weeks ago and amongst friends I was doing fine until pudding arrived and had what I thought was a fairly harmless looking crumble only until it hit the lips did I realise it was loaded with sugar and I threw caution to the wind and wolfed the lot down, apart from being very delicious it took me a whole day to get right again, and sadly that's what I remember every time I feel like falling off the wagon.

We do our best most of the time and that's all we can really do, we are not super human, so keep doing what you are doing which is doing brilliantly

 

[donnellysdogs]

Thanks all! Your honestly such a good motivating bunch I feel so much better tonight. It seems all my insulin today had kicked in and I'm back down to normal levels. Just need to keep it that way! Dinner tonight is sausage bacon and egg and seen as I'm starting new I'm not feeling guilty about sticking a potato scone on as well! I mean that takes me to 4 units to cover the carbs, that's really not that bad. I need to stop being so hard on myself. I'm only 3 months in today! I've made a heck of a lot bigger mistakes in my 32 years than one super binge in the last 3 months. Onwards and upwards and learn from this mistake. Thanks all for your words.

Trixy

The thing is on injections you can have a blow out if wanted at any time..

You are slimso why are you restricting your foods to give yourself angst?

You have a lifetime ahead of you and you and the whole point about being T1 is we should be able to eat the same as non diabetics if we wish to.

I'm T1 30+ years. Cried self to sleep every night for 6 weeks thinking s**t. I can't eat the same as others... Well, yes you can pretty much.

I have always been a lower carber, size 8/10 all my life. That is my choice, from the way I was brought up as a kid. HOWEVER, if I want a meal out or a takeway I have it.

Example, I rarely eat breakfast. I went out with hubby Monday and had a bacon and brie panini.. I don't normally eat bread...but it didn't kill me for doing so... I didn't feel different to hubby etc.

Food... You have to find the best lifestyle of foods for a long term basis that doesn't make you feel angst. That you can enjoy food but keeping the bloods normalised....
It may be that you just have smaller portions etc of pasta if you want it and you get good bloods and stay a good bmi-why not???

Its all about balance. It is very early days for you. None of us T1's are angels!!believe me.