Can I rant here, please?

[Helping_hand_]

Sorry everyone, I need to have a good rant. I didn't want to post in the off topic board as it is diabetic related.

As many of you know and have been supporting with my Dad's diabetes, he didn't manage it before surgery. Which probably caused the PAD and need for vascular surgery. So he's out of hospital, the operation went well although he will be in pain for another 3-4 weeks. But he is refusing to accept responsibility for managing his diabetes.
He's 72 and apart from this he is medically and mentally fit.

I know if I didn't test his blood sugar he wouldn't bother, if I didn't control his diet he wouldn't bother.
I am beginning to see why his first doctor didn't do much, he probably thought he was wasting his time.
Now I have a nurse coming to see him today, a doctors appointment for next week and he is talking no interest at all in looking after himself.

I understand post operative depression and I am trying to be sympathetic but he won't even go for a walk, he needs to walk short distances everyday to help the bypass and the blood flow.

I don't really know what else to do, sorry again for the moan !

 

[leslie10152]

Sorry everyone, I need to have a good rant. I didn't want to post in the off topic board as it is diabetic related.

As many of you know and have been supporting with my Dad's diabetes, he didn't manage it before surgery. Which probably caused the PAD and need for vascular surgery. So he's out of hospital, the operation went well although he will be in pain for another 3-4 weeks. But he is refusing to accept responsibility for managing his diabetes.
He's 72 and apart from this he is medically and mentally fit.

I know if I didn't test his blood sugar he wouldn't bother, if I didn't control his diet he wouldn't bother.
I am beginning to see why his first doctor didn't do much, he probably thought he was wasting his time.
Now I have a nurse coming to see him today, a doctors appointment for next week and he is talking no interest at all in looking after himself.

I understand post operative depression and I am trying to be sympathetic but he won't even go for a walk, he needs to walk short distances everyday to help the bypass and the blood flow.

I don't really know what else to do, sorry again for the moan !

This man may require some form of professional assistance, so don't wear yourself out or you are no help to him. Get assistance, don't burn out and waste your own life. I know it sounds harsh, but it is sound.

 

[Helping_hand_]

Thanks @leslie10152

I have a friend whose partner was similar to my Dad and she did everything to try and help him, counselling, doctors, and she put her own life on hold.
He refused to help himself and sadly died.
I am hoping now I have asked for medical help I can stop stressing.
My own health is starting to suffer.

 

[leslie10152]

This man may require some form of professional assistance, so don't wear yourself out or you are no help to him. Get assistance, don't burn out and waste your own life. I know it sounds harsh, but it is sound.

Your life is special, don't throw it away needlessly.

 

[leslie10152]

Thanks @leslie10152

I have a friend whose partner was similar to my Dad and she did everything to try and help him, counselling, doctors, and she put her own life on hold.
He refused to help himself and sadly died.
I am hoping now I have asked for medical help I can stop stressing.
My own health is starting to suffer.

Always here!

 

[RosieLKH]

My dad is a similar age and is much the same. He thinks that now he is on insulin he's ok, and was boasting at Easter how he'd eaten 6 hot cross buns because they were on special offer. I just had to walk away. I've tried talking to him but it doesn't go in. My Mum tries, but nothing works. He can now barely walk. He manages to get round a supermarket because he has the trolley to lean on, but can't really go on holiday, do anything around the house or garden, go anywhere fun. All he has is the armchair and the telly. It's all very sad, but ultimately that's all his choice. I understand the food addiction, the wishing it were ok and he didn't have the problem. I struggle myself, but I can't do anything more to make him change.

 

[Helping_hand_]

My dad is a similar age and is much the same. He thinks that now he is on insulin he's ok, and was boasting at Easter how he'd eaten 6 hot cross buns because they were on special offer. I just had to walk away. I've tried talking to him but it doesn't go in. My Mum tries, but nothing works. He can now barely walk. He manages to get round a supermarket because he has the trolley to lean on, but can't really go on holiday, do anything around the house or garden, go anywhere fun. All he has is the armchair and the telly. It's all very sad, but ultimately that's all his choice. I understand the food addiction, the wishing it were ok and he didn't have the problem. I struggle myself, but I can't do anything more to make him change.

Thanks for sharing Rosie.
My Dad thought he could eat what he liked as long as he took the tablets. Refused to control his drinking and thought this operation was going to be a miracle cure and he could go back to his old lifestyle of smoking, drinking and eating carp food.

The reality is if he doesn't wise up, he'll be back in hospital or seriously ill.
The surgeon was really pleased with the results and if he manages the diabetes he could lead a healthy life, getting out and about and walking.

So frustrating, are you Diabetic yourself ?

 

[Helping_hand_]

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I need this tattooed on my arm @leslie10152

 

[AndBreathe]

Sorry everyone, I need to have a good rant. I didn't want to post in the off topic board as it is diabetic related.

As many of you know and have been supporting with my Dad's diabetes, he didn't manage it before surgery. Which probably caused the PAD and need for vascular surgery. So he's out of hospital, the operation went well although he will be in pain for another 3-4 weeks. But he is refusing to accept responsibility for managing his diabetes.
He's 72 and apart from this he is medically and mentally fit.

I know if I didn't test his blood sugar he wouldn't bother, if I didn't control his diet he wouldn't bother.
I am beginning to see why his first doctor didn't do much, he probably thought he was wasting his time.
Now I have a nurse coming to see him today, a doctors appointment for next week and he is talking no interest at all in looking after himself.

I understand post operative depression and I am trying to be sympathetic but he won't even go for a walk, he needs to walk short distances everyday to help the bypass and the blood flow.

I don't really know what else to do, sorry again for the moan !

Whilst I hear your frustration, loud and clear, there could be elements of your Dad not bothering in there, plus parts where his old Doc or Nurse suggested his diabetes would be dealt with by his medication, and they'd keep an eye on how he was doing with his periodic blood tests and reviews. Sadly, many are told that.

He may also still be in a period of denial about the seriousness of the condition of his legs. The thought of the likely outcome, had the grafts been unsuccessful don't bear thinking about.

If your Dad is still in pain, perhaps he is afraid of exercising, through the pain. Just a thought.

It sounds like you and he both need a multi-pronged approach. In your shoes, I might consider taking a little time to make a list of all of my concerns and make an appointment with your Dad's Doc. At that appointment the Doc will not discuss your Dad's condition with you, due to patient confidentiality, but sure as heck, you can tell him stuff, perhaps your Dad isn't. If his Doc won't see you, then a letter could work.

This is a time when you will be calling upon your inner strength. When faced with a similar journey, I told myself that my parents had made sacrifices for me, and my brother over the years, and this was my time to help them, now the going had got tough.

You do need a support network, and this forum can provide some of it, but I do hope you have friends and/or family close by who can also be there for you; even if it's just cups of tea, and time away from what sometimes feels like the battlefield.

 

[leslie10152]

Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

I need this tattooed on my arm @leslie10152

Me too!

 

[Helping_hand_]

Thanks @AndBreathe great advice. I will write to his doctor because he wouldn't want me going to the appointment with him.

He is in some pain it comes and goes. But nothing like what he was before surgery.

He has always been a very arrogant man and doesn't like me meddleing in his business.
He fins
He finds it difficult to say thank you or show any gratitude so sometimes it feels like I wasting my time. Time will tell ...

 

[RosieLKH]

Thanks @AndBreathe great advice. I will write to his doctor because he wouldn't want me going to the appointment with him.

He is in some pain it comes and goes. But nothing like what he was before surgery.

He has always been a very arrogant man and doesn't like me meddleing in his business.
He fins
He finds it difficult to say thank you or show any gratitude so sometimes it feels like I wasting my time. Time will tell ...

Gosh - he sounds so like my dad.
And in answer to your previous reply, yes, sadly I am diabetic. I'm not surprised as I am most like my dad and his sister physically, and they are both diabetic, as are 3 out of his 4 brothers. I actually think I was probably diabetic from a long way back. I've struggled all my life to lose weight, even on the lowest of low calorie diets, where my body just seemed to adapt. Finding this site and learning about low carbs has so helped me there. I've slowly lost 3 stone. Lots more to go, but it's going, which is my main concern, and my BS is mostly good, when I'm not falling off the low carb wagon!

 

[Freema]

maybe serving lots of delicious food that is good for him may help a bit.. like making delicious fatbombs or cheesecakes the kind with few carbs and put lots of nuts in small bowls in front of him (I have that myself) and maybe sugar reduced choklate, so that the choice of the right foods are even easier then choosing the wrong...

by the way pork scratchings are also a good choice

https://ketodietapp.com/Blog/post/2015/03/24/60-amazing-fat-bomb-recipes
http://thenourishedcaveman.com/fat-bombs-roundup/
http://peaceloveandlowcarb.com/40-sweet-and-savory-fat-bomb-recipes/

http://alldayidreamaboutfood.com/2016/03/best-new-low-carb-cheesecake-recipes.html

I think it is so complicated for many elder persons to even start changing life... like if someone said to you that from now on you are going to repair different motors every day for the rest of your life, most women would just roll their eyes in their head and think NO WAY...

babybaby-steps are needed and support is also needed even when not being able to change.. but still try not to go down with him...

 

[Oldvatr]

Thanks @AndBreathe great advice. I will write to his doctor because he wouldn't want me going to the appointment with him.

He is in some pain it comes and goes. But nothing like what he was before surgery.

He has always been a very arrogant man and doesn't like me meddleing in his business.
He fins
He finds it difficult to say thank you or show any gratitude so sometimes it feels like I wasting my time. Time will tell ...

I am a contemporary of your Dad, and I can empathise with this situation. I am presuming your dad is now retired, and so has reached a stage in life where he feels he is contributing less and less to society. Any disability or weakness is a further nail in the proverbial, and he is probably feeling a bit like a flat battery at a wedding.

I.E i think deep down he is depressed, Your last sentance you wrote above is a clue to this. Like most old Varters he hates being told what to do by ANYBODY, esp if they are young upstarts who should know better (I am looking here through the eyes of a Grumpy Old Man) So your once proud father is moving from caring for his family to a new role, that of becoming dependant on them. Believe me this is not a nice direction to move in, but is inevitable given life's curveballs.

I have no answer for you. I recognise the symptoms and understand them, but I too am struggling with this following my strokes and heart attack, so I too need a mobility scooter and a rise and tip-me out chair. I have been lucky in that I was computer literate, so can use the Internet to research my treatment for myself, I use this forum extensively. Seems your dad would not be able or willing to pick this up, which is a shame. I find challenging my condition to be my salvation, but he is probably of the why bother brigade.

Recently my wife went into hospital via A&E, and came out weak as a kitten and needing 24.7 care. She went into denial, and shouted blue murder at the care assistants I tried to get help from, and soon they refused to come at all. So theres me a semi cripple having to pick her up manually from the floor and do all the work cooking, cleaning, washing etc, So I see both sides of this particular story. It is something that is part of the Human Condition.

It is the diabetes, the old age the stubborness that comes with old age etc. Just try to be strong, remember you deserve a life too, and try to help him where he allows you to. As suggested, cook him tasty snacks and try to show him that diabetes does not have to be all sackcloth and ashes, It can be fun too, Maybe get him looking at the jokes thread on the forum so he can see others having time to laugh about this condition.

Good luck to both of you. De Nile is a very long river, and difficult to get across, but easy to get cross over.

 

[zand]

@Oldvatr I wanted to give your post several ratings but chose the winner one as it was such a great, supportive post. Here's the 'like' 'agree' 'informative' 'friendly' 'useful' and last but definitely not least the big hug (((hug))) ratings that I couldn't add on your actual post.

 

[AndBreathe]

I am a contemporary of your Dad, and I can empathise with this situation. I am presuming your dad is now retired, and so has reached a stage in life where he feels he is contributing less and less to society. Any disability or weakness is a further nail in the proverbial, and he is probably feeling a bit like a flat battery at a wedding.

I.E i think deep down he is depressed, Your last sentance you wrote above is a clue to this. Like most old Varters he hates being told what to do by ANYBODY, esp if they are young upstarts who should know better (I am looking here through the eyes of a Grumpy Old Man) So your once proud father is moving from caring for his family to a new role, that of becoming dependant on them. Believe me this is not a nice direction to move in, but is inevitable given life's curveballs.

I have no answer for you. I recognise the symptoms and understand them, but I too am struggling with this following my strokes and heart attack, so I too need a mobility scooter and a rise and tip-me out chair. I have been lucky in that I was computer literate, so can use the Internet to research my treatment for myself, I use this forum extensively. Seems your dad would not be able or willing to pick this up, which is a shame. I find challenging my condition to be my salvation, but he is probably of the why bother brigade.

Recently my wife went into hospital via A&E, and came out weak as a kitten and needing 24.7 care. She went into denial, and shouted blue murder at the care assistants I tried to get help from, and soon they refused to come at all. So theres me a semi cripple having to pick her up manually from the floor and do all the work cooking, cleaning, washing etc, So I see both sides of this particular story. It is something that is part of the Human Condition.

It is the diabetes, the old age the stubborness that comes with old age etc. Just try to be strong, remember you deserve a life too, and try to help him where he allows you to. As suggested, cook him tasty snacks and try to show him that diabetes does not have to be all sackcloth and ashes, It can be fun too, Maybe get him looking at the jokes thread on the forum so he can see others having time to laugh about this condition.

Good luck to both of you. De Nile is a very long river, and difficult to get across, but easy to get cross over.

Oldvatr - No wonder we hadn't seen much of you of late. You've been just a biiiiit busy!

Thank you for sharing that real, warts and all post, because I feel sure it will hit home to more members than you can imagine. I do hope your wife is regaining her strength as well as testing yours.

Just for the record, I might be getting along a bit myself, but I have been stubborn since the day I entered this world. I doubt I'll have changed much as when I come to leave it.

Nice to see you back.

 

[Oldvatr]

Oldvatr - No wonder we hadn't seen much of you of late. You've been just a biiiiit busy!

Thank you for sharing that real, warts and all post, because I feel sure it will hit home to more members than you can imagine. I do hope your wife is regaining her strength as well as testing yours.

Just for the record, I might be getting along a bit myself, but I have been stubborn since the day I entered this world. I doubt I'll have changed much as when I come to leave it.

Nice to see you back.

Thank you all for the support, too. Now my wife has regained most if her strength back, I am relieved of some of the (heavier) tasks, and I am back to being chief cook and bottle filler / washer for my wife and daughter. Its MY LCHF diet, so I get to cook it. Tough sh**t if you want carbs !!!!!. I can be stubborn too!

Actually i have not been away, just taking more of a backseat role. I may be away soon while I have intrusive investigations for anemia, but my latest bloodwork seems to have been eaten up by ransomware, So may need to start again. Interesting statistic reported by ADA is that they have tagged approx 40% of their registered diabetics as having anemia of some form or other, so it seems to be yet another 'complication' we get. Certainly I have several friends undergoing the same investigations, so it seems to be spreading.

Thanks for the hugs, but I want to pass them on to the OP, since I am a big boy now and taking care of myself. Daily bgl average running at 6.0 mmol/l with my new meter (plasma calibrated, so reads higher than my old meter), but HBA1c sadly gone AWOL this year. last DN review last week went well. Weight static at 67kg BMI 22.5, p*sstake was clear but showing UTI again (Ugh). bgl taken by DN concurrent with vampire confirmed fasting bgl test not advised in afternoon due to pending hypo (3,7) during session. BP was spot on even though I have halved my BP meds recently. So looking good, but anemia could be affecting my haematocrit level, so recent bgl readings could be a load of pants,

 

[covknit]

Sorry everyone, I need to have a good rant. I didn't want to post in the off topic board as it is diabetic related.

As many of you know and have been supporting with my Dad's diabetes, he didn't manage it before surgery. Which probably caused the PAD and need for vascular surgery. So he's out of hospital, the operation went well although he will be in pain for another 3-4 weeks. But he is refusing to accept responsibility for managing his diabetes.
He's 72 and apart from this he is medically and mentally fit.

I know if I didn't test his blood sugar he wouldn't bother, if I didn't control his diet he wouldn't bother.
I am beginning to see why his first doctor didn't do much, he probably thought he was wasting his time.
Now I have a nurse coming to see him today, a doctors appointment for next week and he is talking no interest at all in looking after himself.

I understand post operative depression and I am trying to be sympathetic but he won't even go for a walk, he needs to walk short distances everyday to help the bypass and the blood flow.

I don't really know what else to do, sorry again for the moan !

Is there a diabetes social group or similar near you? I know there is one 2 miles from me that meets 2 hours bimonthly so it is not a big commitment but it is a chance for you both to meet people who are likely to be supportive other than the "mean wells". I know my dad gets a lot from socialising from fellow blind/partially sighted people and we do via the cancer support group we go to. I have never been to a diabetes group so I am only presuming they will be similar. If not diabetes specific there is often an alternative. For instance my father also meets a lot of the members of his blind group at the legion Jazz club -which meets more frequently and is more accessible has both my parents are infirm and considerably older than your dad.

Do not burn yourself out. I got into a terrible state when my hubby had his stroke a few years ago trying to look after him, parents, family. A friend asked me how they were going to manage when I was dead. Harsh but it gave me the necessary kick up the backside. At the end of the day your dad is a responsible adult entitled to behave irresponsibly. You could try asking him if his end of life arrangements are in place if there is an appropriate time to do so.

 

[therower]

@Helping_hand_ unfortunately I can't really offer any personal advice as I've never been in the position you find yourself. But my wonderful wife and long serving nurse has many a tale to tell. Up until 2 yrs ago my wife worked nightshifts on a ward where patients, sadly were not going to get better.
At this stage in life different things happen in different ways.
Some patients went back in time and talked of loved ones and past times.
Some patients stayed quiet and really didn't want to do anything.
Some patients found a friendly nurse in the middle of the night an opportunity to open up and tell there life story. It was generally these people who would say things like " I just wish they would let do this my way". " I've had a good life ". " it's my time and I want/ need to go" " why don't they understand? "
I fully appreciate your father isn't at this stage yet but maybe a good sit down chat with your dad now might help.
Tell him everything you want to tell him and the reasons why. Then respect whatever answers he gives you, you may not like or agree with what your father wants to do.
My wife always says that eventually we all need to hold a hand to guide us and not an hand to direct us.
Sincerely hope you can get some resolution and happiness out of all this.

 

[Helping_hand_]

Thanks everyone for all the great advice and support.
I tried talking to my Dad today.
Even before his illness he was always very difficult to talk too and hated being told what to do. I explained about the new doctor and the importance of getting the blood sugar down, and the diet changes.
He basically said it wasn't his problem, and he wasn't going to test himself. He wants the doctor to give him tablets so he doesn't have to manage his diet.
This is typical of his attitude, he doesn't want to walk or exercise.

I have given him the facts, but he said my approach was too much hassle.
I think it's time for me to take a step back. I have been so stressed this week and I am still trying to care for my mum and my partner suffers from depression.
I am willing to help anyone if they meet me half way but my Dad wants it all his way or nothing.