Hi, I have in the last couple of decades had my fair share of low points both physical and psychological.
I have a rare condition that no one has heard of and the number of deaths in friends and family, and every other bad news day, more than the good days.
I was use to compartmentalise each bad one and each good one and because of life and work, I had the capacity and strength of mind to be knocked down and get back up. That was until a couple of years ago, when covid hit, I lost my job badly, I lost my income, the half of my concious that wasn't family.
Since 1968, I had an infinity with my job, it was my hobby, my main source of entertainment, my dream job, my wife summed it up as the second woman in my life.
It was taken away from me, and I couldn't understand why.
My dream job was taken away from me by owners who wanted to place a family member in my job. My letter of recommendation was unbelievable.
Because the half of my brain couldn't cope with any more bad news, and the consequences of my family being shielded from covid and their disabilities, boredom, my anxiety levels rose and I wondered and second guessed my life. I was hogtied to my family, even though I love them, I was a prisoner of my anxiety and my circumstances, I had nowhere to go or do. The depression set in, I was useless, I was guilty of everything and did everything wrong, I couldn't do right for doing wrong, I fell off the wagon and couldn't control my condition, which is bad! As long as the family was okay, I was in no mood to get off my **** and it was so hard to be asked to do it. I had gone from a very busy and as they often quote in my line of work, proactive.
I was now, inert and retroactive. I just wanted to be in my room alone with the Tele and my space. But of course we needed shopping for dietary reasons and whenever we did, an online shop and delivery was our way. But at that stage in July '19, you couldn't get one, so my wife persuaded me to go down to the local big asda.
I had a huge panic attack, and this upset the wife enough and we had quite an argument. And I went OTT!
And I had a massive breakdown. I just couldn't cope with my life.
Anyway I phoned my surgery and had a long, long, long talk with her. She ordered tests and a request to ageUK to get me counselling. I must add, that I was well and truly broken. And my resilience to open up and talk about me! I'm a man, in a man's world, I didn't do medical care especially about me, if you had had the hypo hell, I had been through, and the misdiagnosis and all my doctors didn't have a clue. I was totally unprepared for depression and severe anxiety. I hate meds, I hate drugs, I hate being ill and I was totally ****** off to have to fight for my health and my life.
Coping with everything, I couldn't, wouldn't, , I just wanted, needed my own company.
Life could just go away.
Of course the worst was having to go the shop for food and vital house things and I had to get up the courage to go, family could only do so much, mainly because all the adults were front line workers, another worry. But I learned to develop a way to get my head around the anxiety and get it done, one or two setbacks, one or two panic attacks, walking, being on my feet all day was a norm. I just couldn't go walking.
I didn't want to go out.
I had twenty counselling sessions, I had scans, blood tests, a couple of stays in hospital, and I gradually got through it all. It was baby steps and the antidepressants and support and if I eat bad day, nobody bothered me, and I found solace in my own quiet.
So six months ago, (ish) I developed after all this and started noticing little traits, that I had never noticed before, my GP, who all through this helped me to get back to some sort of life and help me back on the wagon, also noticed these symptoms and referred me to a neurologist. And a face to face appointment later, I was diagnosed with Essential Tremor syndrome. And a couple of months later, Restless Legs syndrome.
All because of the severe anxiety, he said, more tablets, this cocktail of tablets, was causing me vertigo and brain function issues, so gradually I came off the antidepressants, the the dosage on all my tablets reduced and finally one week before Christmas, I was to some extent my old self. So three conditions all non curable, all needing control, all needing my full attention, all day every day, my disabled wife, a strong woman with a non operable spine, three crumbling discs and her nerves are trapped in between, in constant pain and on morphine patches.
I'm nearly me again, everything that has happened to me, is to do with being there for my wife, the family and their troubles, and big decisions that can be awful, so much drama, I don't need to watch soaps. The last twenty years have been the worst but also because all my grandkids were born in that time, my kids getting married, my other horrible experiences of death, the rest is now a blur of highs and lows.
Then Christmas eve, my wifes father was admitted to hospital and died in the early hours of boxing day. Not covid, but age and a lifetime of alcohol. Pneumonia and the usual underlying conditions.
But I'm getting there. I don't do people sympathising with me. I do need help and the support I have received has been brilliant all through the pandemic.
I have always been a fighter and been positive about my lifestyle that I have adopted.
I'm one of those people who have had to work hard and long hours, all my life, and I have been successful in my work, but fate or karma gets in the way of my good sense and keeps me having to eek an existence for my family. We have never had much luxury,, every pension day is a blessing. Not getting the help my wife deserves from the government, not having any respite from the day to day regime of care, no days out, no holidays because of her disability and of course money.
This is life not a sob story. Not a soap opera, but the life, fate has dealt us.
Things for you to do.
Talk to someone, anyone who you can trust. If you post stay anonymous.
Get a GPs appointment, talk to your doctor about your mental health. Not about physical health until they understand your feelings.
Talk to someone who has counselling experience.
Take baby steps.
If you don't feel like it, don't do it.
Get a hobby that is stimulating. (I haven't found one yet!)
Plan your day, your meals, your chores, what you need and don't do it! Never do today what you can do tomorrow!
If you do get through a busy day, congratulate yourself and have a treat.
Do try and be proactive, if not, tomorrow is a better day.
Take the meds and tell yourself, I can get off these, look forward to doing so.
Talk!
More baby steps.
Find your norm. Extreme changes do not work.
Plan better meals for your conditions and mood.
Keep positive and despite everything try and be more social and outgoing. (If you can).
Have a day off, sod it!
Talk is good!
Spoil yourself because you feel better.
Help and support someone else by talking and understanding what they are going through.
Find something you can laugh to. And enjoy it.
Tell everyone that you can do this.
Ok, the real question is, if you really want to get your mental health issues sorted. You need to contact the mental health services even the Samaritans, they will listen to your issues at this difficult time. Google your local area, even your GP, you do need help. Please do it. If it's anything like I was, then it will help you, talk and try and be more positive about the future.
One of the most important pieces of advice I have ever received other than 'talk' was,
Unfortunately only other people with the best of motives can help.
You are the person this brain belongs to. There is no one else but you, who can sort your depression and anxiety, there are meds, but it is only you who can do this.
And believe you can get through this.
And be kind to yourself.
My best wishes.
And this is the first step, you have reached bottom, and your climb back starts today.
