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Just tired with it all

M

Maggie75

Well-Known Member
Messages
147
Hi all,

I'm T2 diabetic, last HBA1C up at 60, haven't been back to DN in months now, suffering from severe depression, my wee cat had to be put down a few weeks ago and it has ripped the heart out of me, he was my lifeline and reason for keeping going and I just can't function, supposed to take alogliptin for diabetes, haven't taken it in weeks, I get through my day drinking wine (a bottle a night easy) and have very probably developed a drinking problem as well as a sleeping tablet addiction, sleep is the only peace I get and I can't sleep without medication, it's just awful. I feel physically ill most of the time, I'm 48 and I know if I continue this way I likely won't see much past 50, just can't believe how bad things can get, my eating is out of control and I know it's a form of self-harm due to complete self-hatred. I can't take antidepressants due to them causing a bleed in my stomach which nearly killed me (irony...) so it's take diazepam and spend my days completely stoned or cope with it on my own, on list for more counselling but was told it could take months. I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel with this, I just feel so exhausted all the time. Sorry for the ramble, just needed to get this out of my head.

Maggie
 
Yeah, okay, that had tears coming. I wish I didn't, but I do know where you're coming from. I know it's probably inconceivable for you right now, but you really, really need a reason to start taking care of yourself. And a thousand self-help guru's'll tell you you have to do it for you, for love of yourself, bla bla bla, putting the cart before the horse. You're not going to start not hating yourself the way things are right now, so that's a non-starter. So you seem to have an addictive personality. Use it. How? Get addicted to a new cat.

Uh-huh. After Night passed, I never ever wanted a cat again. It just hurt too much to out-live someone so precious. Then a few months later I saw that two kitties, a brother and sister, had been in the pound for 7 months, because no-one wanted them. They were black, and black cats "don't do well on Instagram", plus, they were very scared of people because they were half-feral. Undesirable kitties who weren't going to find a home any time soon. We picked them up right after they opened up again after new-years, a few months before C19 hit. They're not Night, and they're not Mouse, (Night's adopted sister who passed long before him), but they do give something to hold on to. Charlie and Vicky are entirely different cats. But even the slightly aloof Vicky's taken to giving me very sturdy headbumps. She feels it when I'm down, and need bruise-inducing bumps. Charlie is a cuddlebug who doesn't need incentive. They help.

See my point? Check the SPCA. Maybe there's a cat there that desperately needs someone like you. Maybe they're a little older, mayhap they've got one eye, missing a leg, making them practically unadoptable in a time of cute kittens galore. Just like you seem to need a cat to have a raison d'être, a cat may need you as deeply.

Any reason is a good reason to be able to kick a bad habit or two. No need to look inside yourself for one, no matter what the positive-vibes-only people say. An external reason to pick yourself up by the bootstraps will do just as well, for this purpose.

I know, a new cat, suggesting that, might seem offensive. I'm not talking about a replacement, replacing your cat is impossible. I'm talking about making a new friend that'll help you.
Hugs,
Jo

PS: If you're not ready for a cat, then I do hope you'll find another reason to leave the issues you're currently having behind. But this is my best idea... I hope it's good enough. If not, well.. Then at least know you're not alone. *extra hug*
 
I'm so sorry you had to have your cat put down @Maggie75 It's a huge loss when our beloved pets are no longer with us. Do you have any family or friends you can contact for support, or maybe ring the Samaritans. Whatever you do, please contact someone today. Sending hugs.

@JoKalsbeek has written a very good suggestion, and one that we did when my beloved dog was put to sleep. Initially I wasn't sure, but our second dog, whilst very different was equally as lovely and loved, as our first.

Sending hugs to you as well Jo xx
 
Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. I'm not offended at all at you suggesting getting another cat @JoKalsbeek but it's out of the question for me, I lost my wee dog 5 years ago and now my cat, the pain of it is visceral and I honestly feel I am cursed, I'll never put another wee animal through having to deal with all my issues with mental and physical health again, I loved my wee pets so much but that's enough now, I'm not able to take care of myself let alone anyone else. I have a partner who knows I'm in a bad place, he does what he can and he honestly is probably the only reason I'm still here as I know it would kill him if I did anything to myself. So that and the fact that I could sabotage my chance to be with my wee animals again will keep me here until it's my time. Thanks again for your kind replies.

Maggie
 
Maggie75 said:
Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. I'm not offended at all at you suggesting getting another cat @JoKalsbeek but it's out of the question for me, I lost my wee dog 5 years ago and now my cat, the pain of it is visceral and I honestly feel I am cursed, I'll never put another wee animal through having to deal with all my issues with mental and physical health again, I loved my wee pets so much but that's enough now, I'm not able to take care of myself let alone anyone else. I have a partner who knows I'm in a bad place, he does what he can and he honestly is probably the only reason I'm still here as I know it would kill him if I did anything to myself. So that and the fact that I could sabotage my chance to be with my wee animals again will keep me here until it's my time. Thanks again for your kind replies.

Maggie
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Sorry you are feeling so bad Maggie. You should try and speak to a GP there may be new medication that could agree with you and help. If not maybe speak to a helpline like MIND. Its no small matter having a pet bereavement and it will take time to be able to remember the happy and funny times. Juggling diabetic control, bereavement and depression is quite a lot to be getting on with but you deserve to have a better life. Small steps.
You don’t say if you work and I wondered if you might like to volunteer at a cats/dogs rescue centre which would give you some furry friend interaction without taking responsibilty of homing a pet. God knows these places and these animals would welcome anything an animal lover has to give and you could just do minimal shifts. I think you know you need to look after YOU better and be very kind to yourself but you might need a bit of professional support to get started. Ow sending you lots of hugs and best wishes and come back to this thread to talk again.
 
Maggie75 said:
Thank you so much for your replies and suggestions. I'm not offended at all at you suggesting getting another cat @JoKalsbeek but it's out of the question for me, I lost my wee dog 5 years ago and now my cat, the pain of it is visceral and I honestly feel I am cursed, I'll never put another wee animal through having to deal with all my issues with mental and physical health again, I loved my wee pets so much but that's enough now, I'm not able to take care of myself let alone anyone else. I have a partner who knows I'm in a bad place, he does what he can and he honestly is probably the only reason I'm still here as I know it would kill him if I did anything to myself. So that and the fact that I could sabotage my chance to be with my wee animals again will keep me here until it's my time. Thanks again for your kind replies.

Maggie
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Then let your partner be your external reason. I know my husband is mine, otherwise I never would've lifted a finger to fix all that ails me. I would've checked out over a decade ago. He and the cats keep me going. Let your love do the same for you.

*HUGS*
Jo
 
JoKalsbeek said:
Then let your partner be your external reason. I know my husband is mine, otherwise I never would've lifted a finger to fix all that ails me. I would've checked out over a decade ago. He and the cats keep me going. Let your love do the same for you.

*HUGS*
Jo
Click to expand...
Maybe fostering a pet from a shelter would be a kind of half step towards JoKalsbeek suggestion. And it would give a needy animal some much needed care and attention from a clearly very caring pet lover.
 
Hi Maggie.
Your story and feelings really resonated with me. Similar story. Had to have my cat put to sleep. Terrible guilt, grief and anger at the vet who persuaded me an operation was not neccessary. Drinking far too much and messed up my liver...eating all the wrong stuff...
Anyway what really helped me was a phone counselling service.

The Blue Cross offers a pet bereavement service, providing free, confidential support to anyone affected by losing a pet. Cats Protection has a confidential phone line called Paws to Listen, a service for any cat owner suffering grief or bereavement for a beloved pet.
Contact the Pet Bereavement Support Service on 0800 096 6606 (UK only including northern Ireland). The support line is open from 8:30am-8:30pm every day and all calls are free and confidential

Try it. As often as you need to.

Sad story.
My cat had been a scared, sick, starving, stray who found his way to trust me during confinement. My husband had been called out of retirement and had to return to UK. So I was alone in a foreign country. I needed him as badly as he needed me. We may not have had many years together, (only just over two) but the relationship was intense. He was always at my side. Later he lived with my husband and myself in a motorhome for seven months. ( covid again) We live in France and he was a victim of the hunting culture. Unfortunately his symptoms seemed to be caused by a throat infection. Antibiotics didn't help. The vet took xrays and revealed multiple pellets. It might have still been possible to save him but i was persuaded that the operation was too dangerous and probably not neccessary. My poor boy was dying of lead poisioning when we took him to the vet for the last time.
 
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