Feeling very low- advice needed

[Catherine4188]

Hello,

I am discussing this on the forum because no matter how hard my friends and family try to comfort me, I feel so so alone and that no one actually understands how I'm feeling. I wonder if any of you can help. This is a long story so if this doesn't ring bells then please don't feel like you need to read on : recently diagnosed type 1, miscarriage immediately after diagnosis, returning to work, best friends pregnancy news, guilt and sadness.

I was diagnosed type 1 on 2nd February this year, I was pregnant at the time (8.5 weeks) On the same day, I had an early scan but my baby only measured 6 weeks development. I was told that my hbA1c was 104 and this was probably to cause of the slowed development and that I should expect to miscarry. Immediately after being told this I was also told that I was not allowed to leave hospital without starting insulin. 2 days later I miscarried our baby. It was utterly heartbreaking and even now the guilt of knowing that my body and my diabetes caused this to happen is tearing me apart. I'm so angry and I just can't find any justification for it all. I did everything right, I didn't drink, I don't smoke, I took all my vitamins, I ate well, I talked to my baby even though I knew it couldn't hear. I loved our baby so much and I had never even met it.

I immediately went into organising mode and focused solely on my diabetes management. I cried lots and lots but didn't actually think about what had happened in too much detail. I went back to work as a DT teacher and found my first 4 days great, my bloods responded well and it kept my mind busy. However the fact that I had to say prayers with my students every morning when I was in a huge faith crisis was eating me up. I was leading prayers to a God who had betrayed me and my family.

On the 5th day my best friend pulled me aside and told me that she was unexpectedly 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was so happy for her but it immediately pushed all my loss right to the front of my mind and I broke. As soon as I left her side I cried and cried and cried and couldn't control it. She is going to be just 2-3 weeks behind where I should have been and I would have to face her developing and all things that go along with it e.g discussions over lunch and scans etc. This will be everyday. I feel like I am the worst person in the world because my friend being pregnant is making me sad and making me suffer from severe anxiety of work. I told her to ask me anything and that I was there for her and to send me her early scan images. But when she did this it made me have a panic attack and I was unconsolable. She asked to see me last week but I asked if we could leave it another few days as I was to low but that she could text and ask me anything. She told me I was being selfish and said she wouldn't share any of her pregnancy with me. She told me she couldn't believe how bad of a friend I was being and that I was only considering myself. 2 of her other friends had recently lost babies and I think she was just scared but again the guilt for not being there for her when she was anxious is awful. She has apologised for saying it but I know deep down she meant it. I feel awful.

I've been signed off for the last 2 weeks from work and have 1 more to go. I'm so so so low and so angry at everything. I'm angry that I have diabetes and I'm angry that my baby has died and I'm so sad. I can't even begin to explain how sad. We planned this baby for over a year and I knew I was pregnant from less than 4 weeks. I know so many people must have miscarriages but I can't cope with the diabetes, grief, work and then my friends news. My husband is now also suffering from a period of cluster migraines which I can only put down to stress.

I've tried to get a referral to the diabetic psychologist but I've waited 2 weeks and I'm not even on the waiting list yet.

I just need some advice, support or just someone to talk to who at least kind of understands what I'm going through. I feel so alone and I can't sleep due to my mind just going over and over and over it as I have no one who can make me feel better. I wish my family could, because they are trying so hard and I appreciate them so much, but it just doesn't help. Hopefully someone here can.

 

[Art Of Flowers]

Hi Catherine. Welcome to the forum. I am sure you will find a lot of people here who will understand what you are going through and can give practical advice. There is a pregnancy section on this forum for people with diabetes, so you can see how people are coping and maybe this can give you some hope for the future. You shouldn't blame yourself.

 

[Dairygrade]

Catherine 4188 hi there I don't really know what to say with all that's gone on in your life no wonder your down but until you see a health professional i don't think you're be able to get blood sugars normal the worst thing for diabetes is stress and you certainly have enough of that s hopefully when you see someone and have a good chat and can put your thoughts into words this might be the start of journey to feeling a bit better PS I'm a man and you brought a tear to my eye big softy so my wife says so you take care and let us know how it all goes?

 

[catapillar]

I'm not sure you need a diabetic psychologist. It sounds like your loss and the miscarriage is the main issue for you. It might be worth speaking to your GP to see if they can offer any psych support with that. Or this page has some numbers for charities that can help with dealing with bereavement after a miscarriage - http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Miscarriage/Pages/Complications.aspx

 

[endocrinegremlin]

I agree that more than ...well more known care my help you. I am sorry for what you have been through. We will always be here to help you how we can/ <3

 

[Liam1955]

Hello @Catherine4188 and Welcome to the Forum . Sending you Hugs for what you have been through recently and hope you Get Well Soon .

 

[Winnie53]

My heart goes out to you. I think perhaps it would be best to tell your friend that you love and care about her, but you're grieving and need to be with those who share your experience of loss. Not forever, for a while. You don't know how long. Tell her you wanted so badly to be there for her, and you really tried, but you're human. You're very sad right now, and you need time and you need support. From what you've shared, I doubt she'll understand now, but perhaps, with time, she look back and remember how up until this time you've always been there for her, you just can't be there for her right now. My hope is that you'll reach out to professionals and groups that serve mothers following the loss of their child. I know it's hard to make that first call, but it's important. You're not alone. Others share your loss. Reach out to them. Allow them to support you until you're stronger.

 

[DavidGrahamJones]

Hello,

I am discussing this on the forum because no matter how hard my friends and family try to comfort me, I feel so so alone and that no one actually understands how I'm feeling. I wonder if any of you can help. This is a long story so if this doesn't ring bells then please don't feel like you need to read on : recently diagnosed type 1, miscarriage immediately after diagnosis, returning to work, best friends pregnancy news, guilt and sadness.

Welcome to the forum, I hope that some of what we have to say is reassuring.

You've been through a lot and at no point should you even think it's your fault, it's about the crappiest thing that can happen to anyone and you must give yourself time.

I immediately went into organising mode and focused solely on my diabetes management. I cried lots and lots but didn't actually think about what had happened in too much detail. I went back to work as a DT teacher and found my first 4 days great, my bloods responded well and it kept my mind busy. However the fact that I had to say prayers with my students every morning when I was in a huge faith crisis was eating me up. I was leading prayers to a God who had betrayed me and my family.

It's essential to get control of this condition and it's not straight forward. Now you're here there'll be plenty of people to talk to in a similar position, so you are not alone. The bit I underlined struck a chord, I'm still calling the God (as I know it) a right so and so and what was his crime? There's sadly a list of friends and relatives who died young (30 - 40) from stupid things like cancer, brain tumours, leukemia (so all cancers really) and I'm not happy if it was his decision, who knows?

On the 5th day my best friend pulled me aside and told me that she was unexpectedly 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was so happy for her but it immediately pushed all my loss right to the front of my mind and I broke. As soon as I left her side I cried and cried and cried and couldn't control it. She is going to be just 2-3 weeks behind where I should have been and I would have to face her developing and all things that go along with it e.g discussions over lunch and scans etc. This will be everyday. I feel like I am the worst person in the world because my friend being pregnant is making me sad and making me suffer from severe anxiety of work. I told her to ask me anything and that I was there for her and to send me her early scan images. But when she did this it made me have a panic attack and I was unconsolable. She asked to see me last week but I asked if we could leave it another few days as I was to low but that she could text and ask me anything. She told me I was being selfish and said she wouldn't share any of her pregnancy with me. She told me she couldn't believe how bad of a friend I was being and that I was only considering myself. 2 of her other friends had recently lost babies and I think she was just scared but again the guilt for not being there for her when she was anxious is awful. She has apologised for saying it but I know deep down she meant it. I feel awful.

It's understandable that you'd be sad, it's not your friend's pregnancy making you sad, it's the constant reminder of your loss that's making you sad. As for you being selfish, how ridiculous, does she not know what torment you're going through? She is the one being selfish, not you. As for considering yourself, it sounds like you might be the only one who is considering you, perhaps she should care a bit more about how you must feel. Look after number one first, then worry about everyone else.

I've been signed off for the last 2 weeks from work and have 1 more to go. I'm so so so low and so angry at everything. I'm angry that I have diabetes and I'm angry that my baby has died and I'm so sad. I can't even begin to explain how sad. We planned this baby for over a year and I knew I was pregnant from less than 4 weeks. I know so many people must have miscarriages but I can't cope with the diabetes, grief, work and then my friends news. My husband is now also suffering from a period of cluster migraines which I can only put down to stress.

I think you should be angry, I also think it will pass, maybe not tomorrow or next week, but it will pass and you should give yourself some slack, don't beat yourself up and don't compare yourself to other people who have lost babies, you are special. Your husband can't be having a great time either, I hope you can talk to each other about your feelings and help each other.

I've tried to get a referral to the diabetic psychologist but I've waited 2 weeks and I'm not even on the waiting list yet.

I just need some advice, support or just someone to talk to who at least kind of understands what I'm going through. I feel so alone and I can't sleep due to my mind just going over and over and over it as I have no one who can make me feel better. I wish my family could, because they are trying so hard and I appreciate them so much, but it just doesn't help. Hopefully someone here can.

I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better now, it's going to take time. I'm 65 in June and about the only thing I am sure of apart from there being an end, is that things always improve and get better, it's a question of time. Look after yourself (and your partner). Take care.

 

[Scott-C]

My aunt lost her son to a drunk driver when he was out cycling. She tells me that she eventually taught herself to cope by realising that he would want her to be happy, so, while she still thinks about him every day, she is comfortable getting on with life and, indeed, enjoying it, knowing it's what her boy wants for her.

 

[REM73]

Hey there
Saw your post yesterday and been trying to think of something useful to post.
Firstly, know that you are not alone. From my own experience when my dad died unexpectedly, grief is a strange emotional rollercoaster and anger is often a large part of it. Going through the grief of a miscarriage and a diabetes diagnosis and trying to support your friend is a gargantuan ask.
Keep talking, scream and rage if you need to, let it out. I know it's the last thing you want to hear when you are in the midst of it (I know that was true for me), but day by day the grief will change, day by day the diabetes will become something you control not the other way round.
Thinking of you lots and sending you warm thoughts.

 

[Catherine4188]

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. It's nice to know I have people to call on. I don't always want to lean on my family too much. Thanks again. Xx

 

[AtkinsMo]

@Catherine4188 First of all I want to offer condolences for your huge loss, your story is a tragedy, for now. The loss of this baby is overwhelming now and will take a lot of getting over, but you will gradually recover and you have a future to look forward to. Your post must have taken a great deal of writing, and I am sure that, in itself, it was quite a cathartic experience. I would urge and encourage you to keep writing, not necessarily on the forum. Just write it down, the anger, the hurt, the pain and the distress. You can let it all go, in a safe place, just for you. You may find that this very action helps you to clarify your thoughts and work through your anger.

Your primary focus now is to establish brilliant control of your diabetes. If, in time to come, you want to try for another baby, it will be very beneficial for you and your baby if your diabetes is superbly controlled. Do not rush back to work, whilst, on the one hand, work can be a welcome distraction, on the other if it is simply too distressing and stressful for you, take it easy and ask your doctor to support you in providing more time off. Try to spend some time each day doing positive things and try to find time for some outdoor time and gentle exercise.

Your friend will get over her distress in time, I agree with previous posters and in particularly @Winnie53 - give her some time, maybe even send a small card or token, you are sorry that you couldn't be there for her, it was all far too raw and painful, but eventually you will get joy from your friend's pregnancy and baby, don't expect too much of yourself in these early days.

The future will be good for you, focus on getting well, physically and emotionally - and when you are feeling overwhelmed with emotion, write it down, get it out of your head and down on paper. At a time of great loss I found that a huge help. Very warmest wishes, xxx

 

[fullenglish22]

Dear Catherine, I think you have been through one of the most devastating events that anyone can experience. I volunteer for a group called the Child Death Helpline which is part of the Bereavement Services at Great Ormond Street and Alder Hey in Liverpool. We are all bereaved parents and we offer a listening service. We can't take away the pain and we don't offer solutions but you can openly express your feelings in a confidential, safe environment. If you want to call we are there every day of the year, every evening from 7 to 10 and Monday to Friday from 10 to 1 and Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon from 1 to 4. The number is 0800 282 986 or 0808 800 6019 if calling from a mobile. Do give us a call if you think we could help you.

 

[Catherine4188]

Thank you so much, I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to a counsellor but I think I might give you a call this week too. Thank you so much for your help and comments. Xx

 

[benfolger]

Catherine, I think we all have let our diabetes get the better of us at some point down the line. But the best advice I can give is, you control your diabetes, it does not control you. And there is a direct link between mood and diabetes control. Stay strong and we are in this together, this forum is amazing for support.

 

[Ultramum]

No advice but some (((hugs)))

 

[Catherine4188]

I've just had my first therapist session tonight. I spoke about the support given on this forum and I would just like to say a HUGE THANK YOU, for anyone who has taken to time to read my posts and respond to them with your kind words and advice. I am very lucky to have found you all. Xx

 

[Energize]

@Catherine4188

Wow, what a double whammy you've had to face

I've known relatives that have miscarried and I can understand the devastation you will have suffered. You will be grieving right now so, no, you're not being selfish. I suspect your friend is just upset and will come to understand how you are grieving for your loss. Please don't feel you've let her down. I suspect, in time, your friend will realise how she has let YOU down just now. With her being pregnant at this time, it will be hard for you so accept that, be true to yourself and I'm sure your friend will come to understand but it will surely take time.

In addition, you're also grieving your recent diagnosis of Type 1. That's also a big thing to get your head around. You really need to be gentle on yourself. You WILL get control of this diabetes but, again, it takes time and lots of learning.

I'm pleased you have already seen a councellor. Giving the support team @fullenglish22 has mentioned sounds like an excellent idea.

I'm sure you will find your faith to be very comforting but, at the moment, I can understand why you feel God has deserted you. Do you have a Pastoral team at your place of Worship? Perhaps have them informed and ask them for prayer and support. They can keep it confidential within the team if you ask them.

"When God's not near, who's moved?" Bless you, I'll be praying for you. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[ickihun]

Sorry for your loss.
I understand your sorrow.

I always remember an old movie in black and white, where the babies picked their mummies.
Your baby is still waiting for you. When your body is ready your baby will find you. ♡♥♡
The right time is always the best time.