joke

Your lips are so chapped, I can hear you smile. I went to the bank the other day and asked the teller to check my balance, so she pushed me! Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail...

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'. The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it...

Q. What does the dentist of the year get? A: A little plaque Q: At what time do most people go to the dentist? A: At tooth-hurty (2:30).

A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The deceased man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As the bagpiper wasn't familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and...

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"...

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

Alarm Fart - Starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, & ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. Sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you'll be alarmed. Amplified Fart - Any fart that gets its power more from being amplified...

Mid-life Blues Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We're no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we're flying squirrels in drag. The good...

The Transylvania Vacation Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car...

The False Teeth A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he...

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, exactly 97% were too lazy to read that number.