My partner has Type 1 and has done for some time. Over past year I've noticed a massive change in his mood which I'm certain is due to his diabetes, he's not eating properly, in my opinion isn't hydrated enough (one or two coffee's then just beer for the day). He's got a real lack of motivation to help out, I end up nagging him to shower (it can be up to the best part of two weeks!) he's snappy and aggressive but doesn't seem to notice, even if I point it out. I'm trying to be supportive but it's so difficult. He even accuses me of finding his condition a massive joke, I'm near the end of what I can take now, too worn down to be supportive and to afraid of his moods to speak up. It's now got to the point of he spent yesterday having a quiet day at home as his eyes are bad, I had a manic day and said 'wish I could have a quiet one'. That was it, everything's a joke to me, I'm cheating on him in his eyes. He doesn't want me going to see the surgeon with him tomorrow. What am I meant to do?!
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After advice if possible
- Thread starter Mytype1bf
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lessci
Well-Known Member
Hi Mytype1bf,
From an outsiders point of view it sounds as if your partner is suffering from depression, having been there and done that I recognise the symptoms. Try and get him to talk to his gp about it, if he won't go go yourself and explain the situation and your concerns. They won't tell you anything, but you can get your worries addedto his notes so the next time he sees someone it will flag up and the can ask some discreet questions to find out if he does have a problem which needs help. Try not to take things personally (I know it's hard) he doesn't really mean it and having to think before you say anything is really tough. Good Luck
From an outsiders point of view it sounds as if your partner is suffering from depression, having been there and done that I recognise the symptoms. Try and get him to talk to his gp about it, if he won't go go yourself and explain the situation and your concerns. They won't tell you anything, but you can get your worries addedto his notes so the next time he sees someone it will flag up and the can ask some discreet questions to find out if he does have a problem which needs help. Try not to take things personally (I know it's hard) he doesn't really mean it and having to think before you say anything is really tough. Good Luck
It would be impossible to bring up a trip to the doctors or even mention that I think that could be wrong. His moods are erratic to say the least, I usually end up sitting in my car somewhere upset when it starts rather than the full scale war that will erupt on me if I stay. I go to a completely different doctors than he does so I'm guessing that would be quite difficult. I'm receiving counselling for myself through work, starting from today as they are rather worried I'm crying at my desk, and just far from myself at the moment. I guess I could mention it to her but I don't know how to move forward.
jack412
Expert
sounds like depression to me too, and his sugar is through the roof
as hard as it is, there is nothing you can do, it's his life. it's up to him to seek the help he needs.
it sounds like you are stressed out and may need a break from the worry, it's hard watching someone self destruct.
the only thing I can think of that is in your control, is to make his Dr's aware of his behavour
as hard as it is, there is nothing you can do, it's his life. it's up to him to seek the help he needs.
it sounds like you are stressed out and may need a break from the worry, it's hard watching someone self destruct.
the only thing I can think of that is in your control, is to make his Dr's aware of his behavour
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AndyWatt
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Really sorry to hear that, I have had spells like that as well, its like everything gets you down and I wasn't interested in my diabetes, to the point that I was back to the point when I first found out I was diabetic, lost lots of weight and my blood sugars were sky high, I felt terrible. It was like everyone knew more about my diabetes than me. I have had type 1 diabetes since I was 20 years old (22 years), I have 2 boys from my previous relationship, we split up and both met someone else, when we got the news that my girlfriend, at the time was pregnant , it was great news for us, we got married , we bought a house and now we have another baby. I just realised that I had to get a grip and sort my diabetes out and enjoy life , and that's what I'm doing now, getting sorted with a lot of help from my diabetic team and my family, and I'm definitely enjoying life more. I'm sure his diabetic team would like to help but he needs to let them and you and family help and be part of it. Don't know if this is any help but I really do hope he understands that life can be so much better. Good luck
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Thanks for the replies, they are all helpful! I don't know if his sugars are sky high, he doesn't talk to me about it at all. I'm assuming they aren't good due to him needing more surgery on his eye 2 years since the last lot of laser was done. I feel really stuck, I couldn't bring it up with a specialist while he's there as I wouldn't be sure of his mood after when we got home. I don't want to not support him, but I have no idea how to anymore. Its tearing me apart seeing him loose all self respect, he got in trouble with the police last year and had to write an apology, getting in trouble at work with HR due to shouting abuse at a colleague, but its all everyone elses fault and no one seems able to make him see that he has an issue. I love him with all my heart but he's pushing me away so much. Then has the cheek to say I never seem to smile or talk to him!
donnellysdogs
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However, it seems that you both need to go to counselling together to be honest.
Your BF does not seem to realise the impact he is having on your life and to be honest you may not be realising the impact you have on his life...
From what you have written I Think you would be too scared to even mention that you go to counselling together.
Have you actually tried sitting BF opposite you at a dining room table.. As this gives you distance between you... (Nothing on table) and talking...
The reason I say this, is because I took my hubby to a counsellor...together... And he said that a table would help as it formalises talks... After all you don't see people in workplace situ's on a settee making policys and running their businesses.. Always sat formally.
I actually lifted a coffee table upstairs and made us sit opposite with the table inbetween...sat on the floor.. As our floorboards were totally up downstairs!!
We in all honesty are the best now that we have ever been.
Sorry guys, but men seem reticent to go to counselling even to save relationships... Have seen it with friends too, but since my hubby can now talk to these guys what we went through.. Then they have gone and saved their relationships with their partners.
Diabetes does play a big part in a relationship.. Not just with partners, but also with Parents even...and friends.
Do you actually see your BF do blood tests?
It sounds to me as if your BF has given up and expects you to accept him this way...
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jack412
Expert
that would be the ideal but he won't go there is nothing wrong with him, she need support to work out where she goes from this point.
its all everyone elses fault and no one seems able to make him see that he has an issue
I'm crying at my desk, too afraid of his moods to speak up, he's difficult, snappy and aggressive, baths once a fortnight [hang on that's normal for a POM]
It would be impossible to bring up a trip to the doctors or even mention that I think that could be wrong. His moods are erratic I usually end up sitting in my car somewhere upset when it starts rather than the full scale war that will erupt on me if I stay.
he is also dysfunctional within the community
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Thanks again, yea you're right, I would be too afraid to broach the subject. He's adamant its all me, and I've tried **** hard to be supportive but I'm now isolated from every friend I had (they don't want to come over due to his attitude and cleanliness) so I don't have, well, anyone. I've even spent nights in my car sleeping as I've been to worried to go back into the house. I'm at a total loss and really can't see a way out or a way of putting things right
jack412
Expert
you really need support for this, the councilor would be a start because there maybe stuff you haven't said.
I know it doesn't feel like it but there is always light
heck it could be worse, you could be my daughter
if you were my daughter I'd tell you to pack your bags and get out and ignore your "but I love him" grab you by the shoulders and shake you saying, wake up to yourself and I'd have the police supervise the shift if needed.
I know it doesn't feel like it but there is always light
heck it could be worse, you could be my daughter
if you were my daughter I'd tell you to pack your bags and get out and ignore your "but I love him" grab you by the shoulders and shake you saying, wake up to yourself and I'd have the police supervise the shift if needed.
Charles Robin
Well-Known Member
My suggestion is to put everything into a letter, and going out while he reads it. Start by pointing out that you know how unhappy he is. Has he ever accused you of making things about you rather than him? If so, agree with him. Because this IS about you too. Diabetes can ruin more lives than just the person who has it. Explain what this is doing to you, and how you just want to help him.
It's obvious you want to continue your relationship, and say that in the letter. Tell him that with some effort, things can improve. Say that by shutting you out, he is just confirming the terror and helplessness that he feels.
I hope that helps, and the very best of luck.
It's obvious you want to continue your relationship, and say that in the letter. Tell him that with some effort, things can improve. Say that by shutting you out, he is just confirming the terror and helplessness that he feels.
I hope that helps, and the very best of luck.
donnellysdogs
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You have said a lot in this wording above....and to be honest I am concerned that you are spending nights in a car. This is not a two way loving relationship.
Also you say you can't see a way out or putting things right...it sounds as if you have considered leaving and feel trapped that you can't leave,,, I wonder if this is why you are trying to put things right.....
I agree with writings letter but once in writing it's there forever. People hate to read or hear criticism so it maybe good to tell him why you want to stay with him and make things right, but you do need to say the impact of what this is having on you.
To be honest, I am concerned that you want to stay with somebody that has isolated you from your friends and why you think it's acceptable to be placed in a position that you have to sleep in a car.
Diabetes is not all the cause of his troubles... Lots of people do lose their eyesight, and have amputations etc but do not take it all out on their partner...I am concerned for your health as diabetes is not all behind your boyfriends troubles....
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I'm afraid if he doesn't go to his gp and ask for help with his depression the current situation will remain or even get worse.
Not sure how you can approach the subject but it is something that he urgently needs to address, have you tried speaking with his diabetes team about his behaviour, it might just be that they could cautiously mention the subject of depression next time he is in for his diabetes review.......just a thought.
Not sure how you can approach the subject but it is something that he urgently needs to address, have you tried speaking with his diabetes team about his behaviour, it might just be that they could cautiously mention the subject of depression next time he is in for his diabetes review.......just a thought.
Spiker
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I have been that guy. We can be absolute ******** to live with. It's not just the depression, it's constant mood swings caused by blood sugar swings, and above all it's denial. Denial of the problem, denial of his responsibility. You need to put yourself first and recognise it is not your responsibility for him to change, nor is it possible for you to make him change. I would seriously let him know that he needs to seek help, that you will support him with that, but otherwise you will have to leave.
My gut tells me that with this guy you will actually have to leave him before he maybe will step up and admit he needs help. And maybe he never will. Either way you would have done the right thing for you, and the right thing for him (he won't necessarily see it that way of course).
If you continue to accept his terrible treatment of you, and of himself, you are just validating it and encouraging it to continue. You are obviously a very caring person but in this situation the most caring thing to do is to be completely firm with him.
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My gut tells me that with this guy you will actually have to leave him before he maybe will step up and admit he needs help. And maybe he never will. Either way you would have done the right thing for you, and the right thing for him (he won't necessarily see it that way of course).
If you continue to accept his terrible treatment of you, and of himself, you are just validating it and encouraging it to continue. You are obviously a very caring person but in this situation the most caring thing to do is to be completely firm with him.
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donnellysdogs
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People can only change if they want to.. Absolutely. You cannot make him change.
You do sound as if you are a caring, lovely person, but don't give up your life for a diabetic that is unwilling to change...
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You do sound as if you are a caring, lovely person, but don't give up your life for a diabetic that is unwilling to change...
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Auckland Canary
Well-Known Member
Totally agree with Spiker, I have also been similar to this and even still get moods and depression although whether that is to be blamed on diabetes I am unsure although I have had many troubles over the years with it. But eventually after much pushing from my wife I got help with my issues and it was a positive thing
jack412
Expert
if you are sleeping in your car on occasions, and isolated from your friends,as well as the works councillor, there are programs that can help
where to get help
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/where_to_get_help
advice
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse
leaving
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/leaving_domestic_abuse
where to get help
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/where_to_get_help
advice
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse
leaving
http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/domestic_abuse/leaving_domestic_abuse
Spiker
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Definitely please do discuss this with your counsellor. Tell her everything. It's really important to share those feelings and your situation with someone who can directly support you and also can directly help you to make positive changes.
And of course keep talking on here as well if it helps you at all. We will support you too.
donnellysdogs
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- People that can't listen to other people's opinions.
People that can't say sorry.
You do not have to be diabetic to talk here... Girlfriends, partners, relatives and friends do a lot of posting here too.. Mainly concerned about the lack of care the Diabetic is seemingly doing. Or not doing.
We all have great concern for what you are going through and your BF and only want to offer you advice on our own experiences of what **** we have been through and come out the other side...
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We all have great concern for what you are going through and your BF and only want to offer you advice on our own experiences of what **** we have been through and come out the other side...
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