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Cracker Jokes

Alien lands on Earth and visits a pub and orders drinks for everyone just to be friendly. Everybody shouts "Cheers!". The barman says that's £318.50, and the alien asks "Have you got change from a 5000 Zonk note ?
 
RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.


A customer asked a sales assistant, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, “Because you're in the post office”

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Hear about the Irish Kamikaze Pilot ?
10 successful missions
 
Guy goes to the doctor and says "I want to be castrated". Doctor is a bit shocked and asks him to think on it and come back in a week. He comes back, asks for the same thing again so the doctor reluctantly agrees. He goes into hospital, has the op and wakes up. The guy in the next bed says "I've just been circumcised!"....and the guy says "****...that's the word!"
 
Man walking by the local Psychiatric Unit hears all these voices shouting "FIFTEEN".
Curious he goes up to the bars on the window to have a peek of what's going on.
Just as he does this a finger pokes him in the eye and they all shout "SIXTEEN"
 
Right troops now someone make me laugh. Need a giggle too. Pls
 
Did you hear about paddy in Dublin ? He rang jfk airport in New York to enquire how long the flight took from Ireland to New York , the operator in New York said" just a minute" .....thankyou very much says paddy .
 
Hear about the guy who had a peanut stuck in his bum ?
It came out a Treet
 
Paddy goes up to the airline counter and says to the clerk "i need a return ticket thanks"

Clerk says "where to?"

Paddy in an irate voice says "where do you think stupid .... back to here you bloody idiot".
 
Guy in Prison shouts "It's bloody freezing in here now"
Warder says "I will just put another bar on"
 
Did you hear about the drunk taking a shortcut home through the cemetary? ...he fell into a newly dug grave and couldn't get out ...so after a while he lay down and went to sleep. ........another drunk about an hour later takes the same shortcut through the cemetary...he's singing an shouting and the drunk in the grave hears him ...an shouts " help im freezing in here" , the second drunk looks down on him an says.." Of course you are you've kicked all the dirt off yourself.....
 
You finished your course of antibiotics Clive ?
 
My mouth has been thoroughly washed...it was a lame joke inno
 
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