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Dealing with partners who dont understand?

T

Tinytoez

Well-Known Member
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172
Location
Kent
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Diabetes!! People who dont understand. Being overweight and hungry.
Hi Guys
I have a partner who just doesnt understand/believe I have Diabetes.
When I was told I was Glucose Intolerant 3 weeks ago, I told him and tried explaining what it was all about, we were in a shop and I tried to explain to him why I couldnt eat a pizza and a indian take away and he rolled his eyes and walked off, I asked him what his problem was and told me that he didnt the doctors had got my blood results right as they could have "got them wrong", he then told me that he had lived with an hypercondric (his mother) for 30 years and he wasnt about to start again with me, we got home and I blew my top at him! I told him it wasnt my fault about his mother and that I had tried to explain to him and he didnt want to know, and left it at that.

A few days later we were at a funeral and I said I couldnt really eat anything, he said to me that we have just lost a lady to cancer who never did anything wrong Im sure it wont kill you, I left it at that but the next night I spoke to him about it, saying to him that if he couldnt handle Glucose Intolerance he would never handle Diabetes and basically told him to buck up or b*%%er off, so he said he would try.

Well now Ive been told I am Diabetic and hes still not much better, having me eat a meat pie (his mother cooked and they get moody if I refust to eat), weve been together 7 years and I thought he was better than this, I do have other medical issues too, but my priority is my health and its hard enough to deal with my myself, a little support and understanding wouldnt hurt.

Any advise on what I can do please guys, Im seriously thinking about ending it, and not just over this.
 
Tinytoez said:
and basically told him to buck up or b*%%er off, so he said he would try.
Click to expand...


It don't look like he is trying very hard!

You could find some books and get him to read-up on diabetes, alternatively try to get him involved and take him along to your appointments to see if this may help him understand.
 
Hi Tinytoez,

I'm really sorry you have to go through this with your husband. If was just a case that he didn't understand about diabetes then you would have been able to explain, and he could have gradually taken it on board.

It is difficult for loved ones to accept diabetes aswell in the beginning, as they feel fear for that person. My husband didn't want to believe it when I told him about me either. He seemed angry at first, but after he had learned about it he helped me all he could. He was just frightened for me.

Could this be what your hubby is really feeling but it's coming out as anger?
I wouid try asking him to go with you the next time you visit your DN or GP, and if he hears it from them, he will hopefully change his attitude.

Best Wishes,
Helena. :)
 
Well luckily he is not my husband and we dont live together, we have been together for 7 years but have no ties other than that.
I will try to take him but I doubt he will be able to get time off work, I asked him to do a bit or of research and I think he may have done a little bit because when I was told I was diabetic he did say that they could only diagnose that with a GTT, so I told him otherwise. He works for the NHS doing their IT so Im wondering if he has asked around at work. Its just not like him, I know he was upset about Cindy dying as he had known her since he was small, but he didnt have to take it out on me, but the thing is I will eat a small amount of the meals he cooks then I normally end up asleep, so the time I spend with him I dont actually spend with him at all. But as hes not talking to me about it, and never does until he snaps and I shout, I dont know what hes thinking, but I do know I cant deal with him as well as trying to deal with this.
 
Any advise on what I can do please guys, Im seriously thinking about ending it, and not just over this.
Click to expand...

Dear Tinytoez

ending ... the relationship ? That's how I first read it, and hope that's you how you meant it.

Obviously, your partner has a trigger about false or self diagnoses. Part of being an adult is learning that we don't have to react to things which, on the face of it, seem the same or similar to situations we experienced earlier in our life. This is an opportunity for him to learn this. You probably know best whether he'll take it, but even then may only know through his doing or non-doing of it
: ((

You paint a picture of an unsupportive partner. Regardless of the challenge, a partner should be there to take your side. He appears to want to fit in and not create a 'fuss.'

You say he 'had' you eat a pie. You could have explained yourself to your partner's mother, since he was too afraid to.
When it's your health we're talking about, ultimately it's you who needs to take control, regardless of how that affects relationships around you.

Perhaps a heart to heart about where he stands on supporting you, or why he's in the relationship. If you can have that conversation you'll know better where you stand.
Personally, I'm no lover of people (i.e. your partner) 'trying.' They either step up, or they don't e.g. can he have that conversation with his mother ?

It's your decision about leaving him. The prospect can be a lonely one, but you may feel more supported when there isn't an unsupporting weight around your neck.

Just my thoughts
Be well
Geoff
 
Leave lots of leaflets/books lying around. Get him to go to your appointments with you. Get him to look up things on the web for you. Just get him involved in small ways and don't rush him. He will get there.
You sound as if you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Do you have people who will support you?
Good luck, stay with us and keep us updated.
 
You could ask him if he'd wants you to go blind, have your feet amputated and die of kidney disease? And will he look after you through all this?

I think you may have to be brutal! You need support yourself just now, not him being negative and destructive about it.

Having said that - if he really does have a hypochondriac mother, maybe he's afraid she might think she has diabetes too?

Viv 8)
 
Sounds to me that he is scared, on the other hand talking about such issues in shops or at his mothers house is not the right setting either.
How about you cook a nice low carb meal, or lowish carb for both of you, create a nice relaxing atmosphere and tell him that you do love him (I presume you do, but you are very frustrated at the moment) and that you really want to talk because at the moment you feel so unsupported and upset and can you solve issues together.

Tell him how frustrated you feel, how misunderstood, but dont have a go at him, dont snap at him, talk openly and honest, but not accusing each other, hold hands or sit close to each other on the sofa while you are talking about your issues. I get the impression that there are other gremlins in this relationship, throwing away 7 years without trying would be a shame I think, but only you know how you feel. Have you considered relationship counselling?

Good luck with it all.
 
There are a few gremlins, this is basically "the last straw", it would take me ages to explain it all.
Basically I dont have the energy to cope with him being his usual "drama queen" self over everything, and this, and something has got to give, even if it is just a break. My mother who is normally "oh your lovely fella" has seen how he reacts, but then shes not much help either. My brother just tells me I need to be thrown in the bin, because of all my other problems. My friend who is Diabetic and on insulin is useless as she cant even control her own, my aunt is T1 I think, is diets and tablet controlled, has had it over 10 years, doesnt prick test, and told me my results arent that high so dont worry. And the nurse is only giving me basic info, but ws glad I was prick testing and recording even though she wouldnt give me a meter.
I just want to scream!!!
Im trying my best but its just not happening.
 
Blunt male viewpoint here Tinytoez...

He's obviously in denial about what's happened to you.

He's either...

Doing it because he's genuinely frightened for you and thinks by denying it then somehow it will magically go away.

or...

He roughly knows what's going on but is too selfish to change his ways.

Either way round he has to change and pretty soon as like you say your health should take priority.
 
It is the last straw, you are trying to cope with your diagnosis, make adjustments to try and stay healthy and hopefully avoid complications and those around you are as much use as a chocolate teapot, this would make anyone want to scream.

Go ahead, SCREAM, get it all out of your system, never mind about the others, YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO, and right now you must put yourself first.
Having a break might be a good idea, do things that are good for you, think things over, dont make rash decisiions, but talk openly and be honest, if he cant take it then thats his problem, you want a supportive partner not a whining selfish wimp.
Hell if the boot were on the other foot and he had the diabetes diagnosis thrown at him, how would he feel if you told him to stop being a hypochondriac?
 
WhitbyJet said:
Hell if the boot were on the other foot and he had the diabetes diagnosis thrown at him, how would he feel if you told him to stop being a hypochondriac?
Click to expand...

Yes I wouldn't analyse the situation too much especially with your partner. The bottom line is the male brain isn't a particularly sophisticated device when it comes to things like this :oops: Put it in terms to him as Whitby has just stated, stand your ground and calmly tell him things need to change. If he tries to make you angry don't react and walk away. He needs to see that you mean business imo then you might get somewhere.
 
Tinytoez said:
There are a few gremlins, this is basically "the last straw", it would take me ages to explain it all.
Basically I dont have the energy to cope with him being his usual "drama queen" self over everything, and this, and something has got to give, even if it is just a break.
Click to expand...

I'd take a break if he won't grow up - because you've just said "It would take ages to explain" all the other ways things are going wrong between you! Stress doesn't help when you're trying to get well and making you guilty over modifying your diet (in case you upset his Mum, or a dead person) is pathetic. Obviously it's a long relationship and hard to end but frankly a partner should have your back when things are hard.

At least if you do stay with him we know he isn't too sweet for you to tolerate. :wink:

I hope you feel happier and healthier soon. x
 
Hi Tinytoez,

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

I see that he does work in the NHS with IT, so may be ask him to look at this website, under complications and what its is all about.

Word of warning, all them complications are a RIGHT wake up call for any man or woman.

Also as he is a male (like myself) as him to read about how diabetes affect the male bits (sorry don't mean to be rude) as any man's man (in my view), would want them to work for both functions as god intended untill they pass on, so to say.

It may get across that this condition is not one to be messed about with as it will slowly take you apart if you do not deal with it head on!!!

I personally use this forum as my team for advise and help, as the Docs and nurses are a little hopeless in my area of the UK.

Also lets me honest, you are the person with this condition not him, if you don't look after yourself, who will, even a caring partner would get a little upset if you did not look after yourself I think.

If this all does not work, get rid of him ( I am sorry to say ), as you would be so much better off without him.

Also I am sorry if I have been a little to the point or upset you in any way.

Please take care,

Cheers
Simply_h
 
Tinytoez said:
Hi Guys
I have a partner who just doesnt understand/believe I have Diabetes.
When I was told I was Glucose Intolerant 3 weeks ago, I told him and tried explaining what it was all about, we were in a shop and I tried to explain to him why I couldnt eat a pizza and a indian take away and he rolled his eyes and walked off, I asked him what his problem was and told me that he didnt the doctors had got my blood results right as they could have "got them wrong", he then told me that he had lived with an hypercondric (his mother) for 30 years and he wasnt about to start again with me, we got home and I blew my top at him! I told him it wasnt my fault about his mother and that I had tried to explain to him and he didnt want to know, and left it at that.

A few days later we were at a funeral and I said I couldnt really eat anything, he said to me that we have just lost a lady to cancer who never did anything wrong Im sure it wont kill you, I left it at that but the next night I spoke to him about it, saying to him that if he couldnt handle Glucose Intolerance he would never handle Diabetes and basically told him to buck up or b*%%er off, so he said he would try.

Well now Ive been told I am Diabetic and hes still not much better, having me eat a meat pie (his mother cooked and they get moody if I refust to eat), weve been together 7 years and I thought he was better than this, I do have other medical issues too, but my priority is my health and its hard enough to deal with my myself, a little support and understanding wouldnt hurt.

Any advise on what I can do please guys, Im seriously thinking about ending it, and not just over this.
Click to expand...

What a sad state of affairs.

Nobody here can tell you what you must do, it is your decision. We can say what we would do and I would read him his fortune and suggest he plays on the nearest motorway and takes his mum's pie with him.. I doubt this is just about your diagnosis, this man has rigid ideas about how people in his life should be behaving IMHO.

Ask yourself, has this relationship become a habit as opposed to being in love with someone who gives you butterflies in the tummy every time you see him?
Can you see yourself in this relationship for the next 10, 20, 30 years.
Have you settled for second best or is this the man you consider as Mr. Right or is he Mr. Maybe?
Do you think that you can change him?
Do you think that he is a mummy's boy?
Have you ever presented him with a list of things that annoy you about him?
Does he call the shots about decisions?
Can you list 5 things that you would miss if he wasn't around?
Can you list 5 things that would please you if he wasn't around?

I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. Don't sell yourself short, this is your life and it is not a rehearsal.

Hope things become clearer for you and the decisions that lie ahead.

Take care.
 
TinyToez , Ditch him, move on , don't waste any more time, he needs somebody who fits his image of normal.

Good luck, I see that you haven't posted for a while, how about an update on your situation.

Superchip
 
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