Firstly, well done. You have showed huge courage discussing your problems. I was almost ten years older than you are before I found the strength to talk about mine. Diabetes can take a huge amount away from us, and finding the path to good control is not easy. Below I will explain some of my inspirations which keep me on the straight and narrow. Also, please know that I am not here to judge. I have been in exactly the same place as you with my diabetes control, and know how just how hard it is.
When my control was at its worst, I used two strategies to make me want to change. The first was looking at what I was doing to my family. I had tried to change for myself, and had failed at so many hurdles. So instead I imagined the look on my wife's face 10 years down the line, telling her I was going blind. Trying to explain to my future children how they were losing me.
The second was to personalise the complications, and turn them into an opponent I could outsmart. I am an extremely competitive person, and I hate losing. So I play a constant game against a version of my future self. If I win, I kill him. If I lose, I become him.
He has every diabetic complication I have ever read about. He screams at me through cracked lips, blaming me for all of his misfortune.
I used to fear him. Now I laugh at him. Every time I get a normal blood sugar, I am winning. I look at his hopeless stare, and gloat that I will not wear it myself. I grew tired of bullying myself over diabetes, so I bully him instead. This version of my future self hates me most of all because I will never go through the pain that he feels on a daily basis. His favourite pastime is screaming 'You don't understand my suffering!' Tears pour down from his bloodshot eyes, almost unseeing. I laugh again, and agree. I don't feel his pain, and I don't intend to.
If you are anything like me, you gave your demons a voice a long time ago. They don't want you to know that you have a voice too, and it can be so much louder than theirs. Diabetes has been your enemy for too long, but now you have already taken the first step in taming it by posting here. It is an ongoing process, and you will have good and bad days. If you can, start taking pride in your results. Any diabetic with improved control is a shining beacon to others. Start testing again, and taking your insulin. It won't be easy, but over time it will make you feel better. Insulin is required for every cell in your body to function properly. Without it, your body will be exhausted.
Your blood sugars will probably be high to begin with. Don't blame yourself for this. Instead, try to work out how to change things. Every time your control improves, say 'I did this.' You blame yourself for your failures. I am here to remind you that you are responsible for your successes too.
Finally, wanting to change is one thing, but you need to know how before you can change. I struggled for many years with my diabetes, until I came across the idea of a low carbohydrate diet. I would suggest you watch this video, it explained more to me than any diabetes specialist ever did.
The very best of luck to you, keep posting, and let us know how you are getting on
