Finally Cracked

Hi all,

So here's my story because I think I've finally cracked over the weekend.

Type 1 diagnosed in 1996 aged 10. Been on injections until 2009 where I started a pump. Since being on the pump my control has definitely improved dramatically. Current HBA1c is 6.7% which I'm so chuffed with as it's the lowest I've ever been. I've become obsessed with weighing absolutely everything to ensure the correct amount of insulin is given. All my basals have pain stakingly been worked out and I am on the correct I:C ratios.

Been looking after my mum for years as she has had numerous operations for various things, then she was bullyed in work and became heavily depressed, I ended up having to look after her, cook, clean, motivate her etc. Thankfully she's now fully recovered on medication and is looking after herself. She's told me I need to let her go now as she's ok and to start worrying about myself, Obviously this is hard for me as I'm so used to always being at the phone ready to 'pick' her back up etc.

Since then I'm planning my wedding which is happening in less than 3 months. I'm really excited but obviously this has it's stresses.

My job in the last 2 years I'm wondering if it has taken it's toll on me, it's become increasingly stressful, i'm working extra hours over my limit, taking flack of the managers etc and being blamed for things I cannot control (they know this but still insist I could do better at reporting breaches etc). I wonder if my job has added to my little breakdown.

Over the last year I've had no periods and lost interest in sex, I went to a specialist who said even though my hormones are in normal range there slightly lower so she put me on the contraceptive pill. Which I swear have made me moody, aggitated/aggressive so i've stopped them.

Anyway over the weekend I just cried uncontrollable for hours on end, my partner didn't know what to do with me, ended up going to mum's for a bit and we had a good chat. She thinks i've been depressed for years - but you see I always just get on with it and put it at the back of my mind as there is always something else I have to think about. When I think about it she might be right though. My partner and I are ok, we had a long chat and he is as understanding as he can be really.

So my question is, do you think it's all got to me and I'm heading towards anxiety / depression?

I've got an appointment at the Docs tomorrow to have a chat with them. Thing is I don't really want to be on anti depressants if i don't need to be on them, i'm already looking for a new job so if it's work that's got me down surely I'll feel better once I leave - I even contemplated handing in my notice and just going on the temp agencies but obviously that would be incredibly stupid.

I'm short tempered, really angry and I don't know why and writing this I'm starting to cry a little. Am I depressed guys? I don't understand why I've been fine and now I'm not?

I'm so sorry for the length of this post... I don't know who else to talk to at the moment....

Thanks robert72. It's so strange because I'm usually fine and just get on with it. I don't know where this has all come from lol

thank you so much, I know I'm not alone but I think you do forget sometimes don't you. I've tried to be a little more positive and try to 'look forward' to off-loading on the docs in the morning.

I burst out crying at lunch and then couldn't stop laughing at why I was crying so that was a funny 20 minutes. :crazy: I think for the first time ever, even though I've always half understood, but now I really understand what this feels like (Sorry if this is making no sense, my brain has practically switched off today).

Your all right, we can't wait for our honeymoon, off to the Lake District, UK. We can't afford anything bigger just yet but I think it will be a welcome relief. Hopefully the sun will come out.

I don't know what to say to work really, should I tell them I'm having a mini breakdown? I'm scared they'll use it against me and I'll end up in a similar situation that my mum was in....? I work in the NHS too, the good the bad and very ugly!

We are not here to be unhappy. Your job is to look after yourself - if you are not ok then you are no good to anyone else. Give yourself permission to enjoy life and do whatever it takes. You are a good and worthwhile person who deserves to be happy, and you will be

Click to expand...

- Thank you - this made me smile. I will try. I'll have a think over this weekend about my options, even if I can find something part time but permanent maybe.



Weeezer

I have been against anti depressants forever

Click to expand...

- Same, I'm trying to weigh it up, I should probably just take it if offered like you said, I guess I wouldn't need them eventually.
I'm glad you've had a good day today - hope you got on ok if you went out for your little exercise trial. sounds like you've been through the ringer as well. Would you say it took a few weeks for the tablets to work then? I guess there is no harm in trying it out for a while. Maybe I do need a bit of a boost..

hot lily

I think reading your thread has revealed the 3 most important priorities for you right now , Your Mum,Your Partner and this lovely Wedding.

Click to expand...

I've just arranged my first bridesmaids fittings to cheer myself up. Thank you xx

noblehead said:

Faith ,sounds like you have had an awful time of late and I hope writing the above has helped in some way, good luck at the doctors tomorrow and I hope you and your partner have a long and happy life together.

btw, I really think a change in job would do you the world of good... although I appreciate its easier said than done!

Click to expand...

Yes just writing it all down made it all a bit more real actually. I have been looking for a new job for a long time but no luck, I keep saying I'm daft and should just be lucky I'm in a job given the current situation of the world but as you said, would probably be better if I did leave. Thanks for your kind words,

weeezer said:

Job wise...my brother just resigned and left his job as a primary school teacher. He deliberated over the decision for such a long time, he felt like a failure, but also couldn't continue at the same level, his mental and physical health was declining at a steady rate. He finally quit and his stress is over! He is doing supply now until he figures out what to do next, but has got some breathing space back.

If your job is that stressful, it isn't healthy for you! Could you start looking for another one? Or even temping like you suggested? would give you space to breathe like my bruv. You've got loads to look forward to and it would be lovely to be able to do that rather than in a stressful state. Xx


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

Click to expand...

wow, I'm glad he's doing well, that must have taken a lot of strength to go ahead and leave his job. At least he can think more about what he wants to do as you say. My job has been quite stressful from day one really but I just kept on going and tried to muzzle through (don't want to kick up a fuss when you first start do you - and then you get sucked in)
Kit, my partner, has said that we can manage for a few months if I do want to leave and get something part time, I'm just petrified to do so. I don't want to stress myself out even more.

At least maybe I'll feel a little more happier for my wedding, I've got 3 months left to 'perk up' and get myself excited for it x

Robinredbreast said:

Aaahhh faith bless your heart, things just come to ahead sometimes. I look after my elderly parent, its very hard and I had to get up there yesterdaymorning, Sundaym, by taxi, because he was taken ill, I was very worried, GP came to see him at 4,45pm, a relative was sounding off on the phone, but I felt so alone, just waiting on my own, trying to clear up stuff and a few tears as well, hoping he would be ok. I do understand where you are coming from. It's hard being a carer and trying to cope with medical issues as well, juggling so many balls in the air. Hang on in there, your partner sounds wonderful and I'm sure your wedding will be wonderful too. Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not superwoman and you can't do it all.

Take care with my very best wishes RRB : )

Click to expand...

Thank you. How long have you been caring for your parent? Hope they're ok? I find that too, family get involved expecting you to take care of it all. My family don't help. They just praise me for 'having to deal with my mother'. I think only now do I fully understand how mum's felt all these years.

Sorry, my mind has been everywhere today,
Well, I burst out crying the minute I got into the doctors. My mum ended up having to tell them what had been going on until I calmed down. Felt so embarrassed. She basically said that she thought I had depression 100% so she's given me Citalapram 10mg for 28 days just to check i'm ok on it and she's going to review me in 3 weeks and prescribe a longer course of the Citalapram as long as I've been ok on it. So that's good.

Still feel completely emotionless though. I forced myself to clean the house as I used to love cleaning, it used to cheer me up... nothing tonight though.

I feel happier that this might help to perk me up a little. One day at a time until then x