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Funny but informative - NHS Test and Trace

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by pdmjoker, Sep 29, 2020.

  1. pdmjoker

    pdmjoker Prediabetes · Well-Known Member

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    Post on Fb from David Bonsall on UK NHS Test and Trace app:
    On the NHS COVID-19 App: Last 24 hrs I’ve provided the polite version of the following to C4, ITV,BBC, Radio 5, Sky News, Times Radio, LBC. I thought I’d answer a few frequently asked questions more directly, while our communications officer isn’t watching. ** edit at bottom for solution to the minority of tests that didn't link to the app. Spoiler, they do now!**

    Is it going to steal my data?
    - No its completely private. All your data stays on the phone, if you delete the app, you delete the data. Facebook, on the other hand...

    Is it going to track me?
    - No it doesn’t know where you are. Uber, Dominos pizza, google maps, on the other hand...

    Is Dominic Cummings...
    - No

    Why has it taken so long?
    - It was hard. We tested it, made it better, tested it again, made it better, now it’s ready. And we helped Google develop their system. And we beat most states in America

    How many people need to download it to work?
    - Two. If you download it and I download it and I get infected and I notify you and you don’t visit your gran, Granny lives

    What happens if we all download it?
    - Maths shows it could stop the epidemic.

    But Dominic Cummings...
    - Just no

    Why did the Isle of Wight app not work?
    - Actually it did. It looks like it stopped their epidemic. There were problems with iPhones.

    Are there not still problems with iPhones
    - Yes. The few people with iphones earlier than 6S should write Apple and complain. If you have a later version you should download the app, stop the epidemic, and save the old folks with outdated smartphones.

    What about the fines for not following the notifications? Those aren’t fair!
    - What about the local outbreak and deaths you could cause by not following them? also what about the £500 you receive if you get notified and can’t work from home? (*DHSC now announced fines are “not enforceable” ...because it’s so private!)

    Yeah but “False Positives”...
    - The only way you can get a notification is by being close to someone who tests positive for COVID-19 for a prolonged period.

    Yeah but its not 100% accurate at measuring distance so there are false positives
    - Do you think the virus cares if it’s 2 meters or 2.3 meters?

    Yeah but...
    -If I asked you to remember all your 2meter 15minute contacts in the last 3 days would you give me an accurate answer? Where’s your tape measure and your stop watch?

    So is it more accurate than manual contact tracing?
    -Yes probably. And it can notify people you don’t know.

    How else is it better?
    - well it’s a lot more private - you don’t need to give personal details about you or anyone else

    Anything else?
    - it uses computers so it’s fast enough to find people BEFORE they infect others...which is sort of the point.

    Anything else?
    - it doesn’t require millions of netflix subscriptions.

    Anything else?
    - It’s a quick way to check in to bars (I like bars) and it’s a faster way to book a test without navigating a website designed by a Vogon

    There are no tests?
    - Fair point. Not my department. But will keep the pressure on.

    Its not a silver bullet is it? It’s just a cherry on the cake?
    - No. If we all download it, it’s A GOLD-PLATED MISSILE, which relatively speaking cost one-thousandth of a cherries
    worth of cake, compared to another lockdown.

    Is it going to work?
    - not unless you download it.....give it a go. It’s really rather good.

    (And well done to our group at Oxford, Alan Turing Institute, department of health, NHSX, Google, Pivotal, Zuhlke, and beyond who’ve all contributed...it’s been a long time coming...and it’s something to be proud of. Well done!)

    **Edit from the App team: "Everyone who receives a positive test result can now log their result on the #NHSCOVID19app A minority of people, such as hospital patients, who were unable to log their positive result will now be able to request a code when contacted by NHS Test and Trace to input on the app."

    (I am a senior researcher at the University of Oxford, Nuffield dept of medicine, in the pathogen dynamics groups. We advise the Test and Trace Programme in the U.K., Google, and tracing app developments internationally. I am also a clinician at the John Radcliffe Hospital, @OxfordViromics)​
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