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Help! How to handle Mum with T2 but being irresponsible (not managing their diabetes) ?

IronLioness

Well-Known Member
Messages
299
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Diet only
Dislikes
Routine
Hi all,

It's a long read, but bear with me, I have no one to talk this through to, and there's a whole load of emotion in me as I write this, but I really need your advice or guidance on this because I'm at my wits end.... for context, I was diagnosed T2 in October last year, I refused Metformin and instead just changed my whole lifestyle - at review of 3 months I've put my T2 into remission with a Hba1c down from 49 to 41, I acknowledged it and took ownership. The problem - so, my Mum was feeling ill over the past 2 weeks and since my own experience and symptoms, I kept telling her it "could be diabetes", she denied it, said she's just feeling ill etc..... anyway, she went to the Docs this morning and came over to my house with my Dad (who's also T2 but now takes insulin) and they were both quiet but wouldn't tell me what the diagnosis is/what the doc said.... My Mum has a LOT of narcissistic traits, if not fully fledged, she scores highly on the scale for narcissism and actively encourages drama and attention seeking so I thought this is her just being her usual dramatic self... she mentions that she needs to go for a colonoscopy (yikes!) but then mentions her symptoms again, which ALL sound like the ones I had pre-diagnosis and I ask if she's had a Hba1c rating done. She swerves the question, I bring it back and ask her to go get them checked because last week I saw her AND him smash a full CAKE, and a 1/4 of another one on Saturday, she then started feeling ill on Sunday, inc the very 'diabetes like' symptoms.... Here's the kicker...............She's literally just admitted to me that she already IS diabetic!!! wth!!!! And has been, since 2016!!!! Only my Dad knew. She hasn't told me nor any other family member as she "didnt want to worry us". But she has NOT changed her diet at all, but she's on Metformin, and yet still eating the same rubbish (as well as good foods, too) but no exercise. I think she didn't tell us because it's more to do with the fact that she didn't want to own up and take responsibility for her health and change her lifestyle....so she continued eating the same.

The issue, I'm really angry and upset about this, the fact that all this information only came out today! - the fact she kept it a secret, continues to eat rubbish, she doesn't want to change her lifestyle, and the worst thing is, because my Dad is also T2, her bad habits also impact on his decisions - if she eats badly so does he, and vice versa. If he wants something sweet he gets her to get it then he just bolsters his insulin, she's not on insulin at the moment so the metformin is all she's doing. She doesn't check her BG levels, she last had a blood test in January and her Hba1c was down from 65 to 50 - I found all this out just today! But she does NO diabetic management at all, apart from going for a check up *sometimes*, so she tells me, she doesn't even check her own BG levels - my Dad check his though..She does nothing at all.... She doesn't exercise at all - and that's the bit that's killing me inside because they have an exercise bike and treadmill at their house. She knows I have been a gym bunny for 15 years but my own diet was wacked which pushed me into diabetic zone, so I've actively encouraged her to come with me to the gym, she refuses, and wont even use her own equipment. As far as I can see, she just doesn't want to change, and I don't know how to get her to wake up and get real about this disease because if she leaves it, it will just keep getting worse. I also genuinely think he symptoms are less to do with cancer (as she automatically and dramatically thought) and more to do with her body saying "STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME!!!" ... (context: she needs to lose around 5st to be in the healthy range)

Has anyone else had/got a diabetic parent or close person that just refuses to change? how do you handle it? did you get them to change/take their health seriously? how?

Any tips or advice or guidance on how to deal with stubborn/refusal to change relative(s) with T2 because I'm at a total loss on this...and also really worried about her health. She's very feisty, but yes, she also loves the attention she gets and is highly manipulative too... I honestly can't believe she 'hid' this from me, despite seeing my own diagnosis and *still* not doing anything about her own health.... I don't know what to do, I'm worried she actually will have something serious go wrong with her, but she doesn't seem to care about herself/her health.. :-(
 
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I do I have sympathy but the thing is, she's over 18 and, I'm assuming, in full possession of her mental processes so she, like you and like me - and like your Dad - is entitled to make her own medical treatment decisions. All you can do is make her aware of possible complications and set them a good example with the way you treat your diabetes then stand back and let her live her life the way she wants to. Same with your Dad.

Don't jeopardise your relationship by nagging at her because it might alienate her and one day she and/or your Dad will need your help.
 

Its so difficult Chook, she literally sees what diabetes has done to my Dad - he had to have half a foot amputated because he didnt handle his own diabetes - he was non insulin but didnt change then ended up on insulin, got a foot infection from a cut, then ended up having to have half a foot removed - yet she saw that happen and *still* won't do anything about it. It doesn't make sense to me at all. She's very smart, fiesty and definitely in control of her mental process so she can't even blame that. I just can't get my head around it. She seemed so nonchalant when we were talking, then I got angry and told her she needs to level up and own this, take responsibility for what she's doing, and she said she will, but I honestly don't think she will - mostly because she's had this for 3 yrs and changed nothing. The only thing which started the conversation today was her escalated symptoms, and her not wanting to go to hospital for colon scans. Otherwise, she doesn't seem to 'get it'. But I'll 100% support her any way I can, and I'll keep trying to drill home the messages and see if that can work. :-(
 
IronLioness said:
The issue, I'm really angry and upset about this, the fact that all this information only came out today! - the fact she kept it a secret,
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Maybe she had many reasons for not telling you, I know I don't tell my mum about everything I go to the doctor for, I didn't tell her about the lump I found as I didn't want to worry her til I had more info (as it happens it was perfectly fine as it was checked with a biopsy), I'm sure my mum doesn't tell me everything either - though admittedly we probably share everything that's big and makes a difference (we've always got on very well) - maybe your mum didn't think it was big enough to share as she's not on insulin yet, maybe she didn't want to worry you, maybe she is ashamed, maybe she's in denial - I don't know.
But as @Chook says, there is only so much you can advise, don't push it too far.
 

I think that's literally it, part shame, part denial. She also knows if she told me she was diabetic then I would have tried to stop her eating the rubbish she eats and she's just not ready to do that - she owns her own business and has a very good lifestyle but food is definitely the 'treat' she has for herself - she wants to eat cake in peace, literally. But ALL of the cake. I don't think she understands quite how serious it is as I've mentioned to her over the past year "Mum you're heading towards getting diabetes at this rate" - little did I know she already IS diabetic, ye lawd!! I've had a serious talk with her today and also was on the phone with the surgery as she called them to find out what her BG rating was in Jan (she didn't even know that!) then passed the phone over to me to talk about her tests - she doesn't really understand what the readings mean - she doesn't test and just has these Metformin tablets, so she has no comprehension of diabetes management. I'm hoping that after today she'll at least *try* to change, but you and Chook are right, I guess its down to her at the end of the day. Just trying to get my head around this...
 
@IronLioness if your mother has narcissistic tendencies she will never, in my experience of my father, admit she is wrong and you are right about anything. You have demonstrated perfectly by your own management of your diabetes what is possible to make things better. She may be feeling a bit uncomfortable in herself about it so give her time to think about it. She may also be in denial. There really is nothing more you can do but be there for them. It may not be fair if they come to depend more on you down the line but you cannot make them change.
I was in the queue in the supermarket today behind this guy who pointed to my slimline tonic water and said there is a much nice one than that with orange in. I said I am diabetic and thats the only suitable one for me. He said so was he but he is now on insulin which is great and he eats and drinks what he likes.. I told him I control mine with diet only and he said “nah thats not for me, I like my food, after all life’s too short”. Ironic or what! This is a hard mindset to change.
 
Edit to add said guy proudly pointed to his steak & kidney pie for supper and iced buns to follow.
 
@IronLioness i should also add I really do know how frustrating this is for you, its bad enough seeing someone not taking responsibility for their health but when its someone you are emotionally attached to its even worse. You are clearly a very loving daughter so just look after yourself and show by example as you are doing. Best wishes.
 
Having watched two people die due to their denial of there being a problem, despite all that the doctors and family tried to do, all their distress was without effect.
It is painful to experience, but for normal people without mental impairment I can't think of anything you can do other than be a good example.
 
I used to work with a girl, age 24, incredibly pretty (and, my goodness, she knew it). She was diagnosed T2 with very high BG (but no ketones) and within a month was given MDI insulin. As i said, we always worked in the same unit and part of our job was to eat with our service users. I used to take in low carb meals, generally salads, she used to eat whatever had been prepared for that meal - normally very carb heavy and she always seemed annoyed with me so i thought that maybe, in her opinion, i was doing the wrong thing by not eating the same meal as everyone else.

So one evening we were in the dining room writing up notes and i tested my BG (it was two hours PP), another member of staff asked if would do hers, and then another and another. The pretty girl looked a bit furtive but, i suppose, didn't want to be seen to not be joining in, so offered me her finger and OMG her BG was 25.6. Everyone went very quiet then changed the subject. Nothing more was said but considering everyone else was 5 point something it was crystal clear to everyone that her 25.6 was a real problem.

A couple of days later we were having a meal out with our service users and on the way i told her the classic symptoms she must be suffering with and she agreed, although she hadn't mentioned them before. She then she asked me about my diet, so i went through it with her and she seemed to take it on board and the reason why i eat this way.

At the restaurant we sat opposite each other. She chose full sugar coke, lasagne and chips followed by a huge Eton Mess type concoction served with warm chocolate sauce. Half way through her dinner she looked up at me and said 'Life's too short to not eat chips' .

Since then i am a firm believer that the saying 'You can lead a horse but you can't make it drink' is especially true when trying to persuade someone that their dietary habits are making them ill and need to be changed.
 
You have done everything you can do and now it is up to your Mum, as much as you love her it is HER decision. If you're not careful she will start trying to avoid you just to avoid the lectures. Your Dad is not being forced into anything by your Mum, he too is responsible for himself. How old are they by the way?, I imagine they are pretty much set in their ways. There is that saying about leading a horse to water etc. Maybe you could cook some lower carb dishes for them (without particularly telling them it's low carb with a low carb cake to follow so they can see alternatives), invite them round for some of your dishes, invite your Mum out to the park for a walk. I know it's small fry but I think that is far more effective than constantly badgering them. I bet they can see the disapproval written all over your face every time you look at them. NOBODY likes to be lectured to, not the man who enjoys his steak & kidney pie or the woman who likes her chips or any of us. Most people with diabetes know that they're on a hiding to nothing when they are eating a whole cake but SHOWING rather than telling is probably better. Parents can be extremely infuriating but in the end they are adults and you are only giving yourself stress. x
 
@KK123 re reading all of the above neitherthe man with the steak & kidney pie orthe pretty lady who likes chip WERE lectured to or even remarked to. Just to clarify.
 
PenguinMum said:
@KK123 re reading all of the above neitherthe man with the steak & kidney pie orthe pretty lady who likes chip WERE lectured to or even remarked to. Just to clarify.
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Hi Penguin, I know, (I hope nobody would be that impolite) but the sentiment towards people like that does seem to be a little contemptuous, out of 'concern' probably but you can't 'save' everyone.
 
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You cannot control another persons actions, even with their permission. It has to come from them and them alone.
Why do you feel you can fix their diabetes for them? Do you know remission is a variable state? Your mum may be closer to remission than you think. Everyone's diabetes is personal to them so I will never see a day where you will be able to control your mum's diabetes, for her.
Many many carers have tried for decades. Consultants too.

If you want to help then I too believe leading by example rather than using a whip and critism...is the way to go.

Well that's what I do.
Some elements of reducing IR gets emmulated but some parts aren't.
Which is the real problem.

Many have selective dieting/lifestyle changing periods. Unfortunately it has to be permanent changes.

Its important to be mentally ready for the lifetime change. If you're not ready then it can be a futile exercise. For some it can make you very ill.
I believe this is why dieticians are often alloted.
This is even more so important if considering bariatric surgery to 'fix' obesity and overeating. Which I know isn't the case here though.

Please listen to these posts and not nag your mum. You could make her ill due to more stress.
 
KK123 said:
Hi Penguin, I know, (I hope nobody would be that impolite) but the sentiment towards people like that does seem to be a little contemptuous.
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No, not contemptuous - just concerned. And its not 'people like that' - its actually most people. We are the odd ones out.
 
Chook said:
No, not contemptuous - just concerned. And its not 'people like that' - its actually most people. We are the odd ones out.
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Hi Chook,I edited my post to reflect the concern bit right before you posted as I realised it sounded a bit harsh, apologies. Sorry, I don't get the 'most people' bit though?
 
Hi, @IronLioness

I think you will find several of us on here who have gone through various versions of exactly this. I am one of them.
I gave some books, gave a meter, and tried not to lecture. Didn’t really do all that well at the lecture avoidance. One time I lost my temper. The words ‘behaving like an irresponsible child’ came out of my mouth, along with a few choice others.

At that point, I realised the problem was mine, not theirs, and I shut up, backed off and made a deliberate decision not to ruin our relationship by being unable to accept their choice.

It wasn’t easy. Still isn’t. But there is absolutely nothing that you can do, except deal with your own issues, emotions and concerns.
You can’t make anyone do anything.
And you certainly can’t nudge, force, weadle, bully, manipulate or lead anyone, especially a close family member, to changing their whole lifestyle just because you think they ought to.

I know that sounds harsh. And it is very, very difficult. But that is what unconditional love is. You love someone enough to let them be themselves, for themselves, without trying to change them.
I’m a long way from being there.
The best I can do is zip my lips and try VERY hard not to exude judgement at certain food choices.
 
IronLioness said:
She's very feisty, but yes, she also loves the attention she gets and is highly manipulative too... I honestly can't believe she 'hid' this from me,
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Unfortunately part of the drama game could well be in keeping the condition secret so that when you found out the impact is even greater. Knowing how to push your buttons and watch you react could well be part of the game . It's hard but try not to give a big reaction to her- do your frustrated screaming when you're alone! You can still express your concern and care but you don't have to play out the drama. You can't change her but you can play a different role yourself.

If you feel the need to do something practical, with my parents I have on occasion sent an email to their GP expressing my worries about their health. I felt guilty about it because I felt I was betraying them, but there were times I was out of my depth with their health needs and couldn't just watch it happening without flagging it.

This will be such a strain on your mental health do take good care of yourself

It's tough, families eh??

x
 
I didn't take my type 2 diabetes seriously for the last 3 years since being diagnosed. It took a serious health scare to make me book my ideas up. I find most of the doctors and nurses don't emphasise how serious type 2 is, they really don't drum into you, that if ignored, it's a life threatening disease, and people end up the way I was, or like your mum. So sad=(
 

This resonates with me so much. She's definitely high in narc tendencies, and I love her very much but now I'm older I see her behaviour for what it is and I don't let it affect me so much. Until today, with her 'secret'. Blew my mind at that new info! You're absolutely right, she doesn't admit she's wrong, ever, it's always someone else's fault. I think she's totally in denial, especially as she's apparently been diagnosed since 2016 and kept totally quiet on it, and continued smashing sugar and carbs, yeesh...*facepalm*.,,. Since my own diagnosis I've tried to make sure I include them in all info I get on foods and general help and tips on how to manage diabetes. I buy them low carb/low sugar foods but she *knows* (from seeing Dad and I) what she's meant to do and what she can do to help it, she just isn't doing it. It's so frustrating and it makes me angry because through all this time I've been doing that, she's there and she's already got it, wow.... She seems a bit more receptive later on this afternoon - when I pointed out the huge potential issues and risks if she carries on with what she's doing - and also how it would affect those around her. I think she got that I'm being serious and genuinely concerned about not just her, but the both of them, they both kind of trigger each other.

The guy behind you in the queue, basically, that's literally what my Dad thinks and has said! - I got that today - "Life's too short" - he's 76, my Mum is 75. I shook my head because he doesn't get it at all. I'm speechless that there's genuinely folk out there that actually do believe this. Maybe the Docs aren't being clear on how to manage it, but it worries me that even my own Dad thinks he's OK to eat whatever he wants, within reason, as long as he bolsters up on his insulin. I'm just there like "no Dad, it doesn't work like that". The upside of this is that it's really given me shock tactics that i MUST keep on my own track of diabetic management and not go down their route. A kind of lesson is being learnt. :-(
 
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