@IronLioness i should also add I really do know how frustrating this is for you, its bad enough seeing someone not taking responsibility for their health but when its someone you are emotionally attached to its even worse. You are clearly a very loving daughter so just look after yourself and show by example as you are doing. Best wishes.
Having watched two people die due to their denial of there being a problem, despite all that the doctors and family tried to do, all their distress was without effect.
It is painful to experience, but for normal people without mental impairment I can't think of anything you can do other than be a good example.
I used to work with a girl, age 24, incredibly pretty (and, my goodness, she knew it). She was diagnosed T2 with very high BG (but no ketones) and within a month was given MDI insulin. As i said, we always worked in the same unit and part of our job was to eat with our service users. I used to take in low carb meals, generally salads, she used to eat whatever had been prepared for that meal - normally very carb heavy and she always seemed annoyed with me so i thought that maybe, in her opinion, i was doing the wrong thing by not eating the same meal as everyone else.
So one evening we were in the dining room writing up notes and i tested my BG (it was two hours PP), another member of staff asked if would do hers, and then another and another. The pretty girl looked a bit furtive but, i suppose, didn't want to be seen to not be joining in, so offered me her finger and OMG her BG was 25.6. Everyone went very quiet then changed the subject. Nothing more was said but considering everyone else was 5 point something it was crystal clear to everyone that her 25.6 was a real problem.
A couple of days later we were having a meal out with our service users and on the way i told her the classic symptoms she must be suffering with and she agreed, although she hadn't mentioned them before. She then she asked me about my diet, so i went through it with her and she seemed to take it on board and the reason why i eat this way.
At the restaurant we sat opposite each other. She chose full sugar coke, lasagne and chips followed by a huge Eton Mess type concoction served with warm chocolate sauce. Half way through her dinner she looked up at me and said 'Life's too short to not eat chips' .
Since then i am a firm believer that the saying 'You can lead a horse but you can't make it drink' is especially true when trying to persuade someone that their dietary habits are making them ill and need to be changed.
You have done everything you can do and now it is up to your Mum, as much as you love her it is HER decision. If you're not careful she will start trying to avoid you just to avoid the lectures. Your Dad is not being forced into anything by your Mum, he too is responsible for himself. How old are they by the way?, I imagine they are pretty much set in their ways. There is that saying about leading a horse to water etc. Maybe you could cook some lower carb dishes for them (without particularly telling them it's low carb with a low carb cake to follow so they can see alternatives), invite them round for some of your dishes, invite your Mum out to the park for a walk. I know it's small fry but I think that is far more effective than constantly badgering them. I bet they can see the disapproval written all over your face every time you look at them. NOBODY likes to be lectured to, not the man who enjoys his steak & kidney pie or the woman who likes her chips or any of us. Most people with diabetes know that they're on a hiding to nothing when they are eating a whole cake but SHOWING rather than telling is probably better. Parents can be extremely infuriating but in the end they are adults and you are only giving yourself stress. x
You cannot control another persons actions, even with their permission. It has to come from them and them alone.
Why do you feel you can fix their diabetes for them? Do you know remission is a variable state? Your mum may be closer to remission than you think. Everyone's diabetes is personal to them so I will never see a day where you will be able to control your mum's diabetes, for her.
Many many carers have tried for decades. Consultants too.
If you want to help then I too believe leading by example rather than using a whip and critism...is the way to go.
Well that's what I do.
Some elements of reducing IR gets emmulated but some parts aren't.
Which is the real problem.
Many have selective dieting/lifestyle changing periods. Unfortunately it has to be permanent changes.
Its important to be mentally ready for the lifetime change. If you're not ready then it can be a futile exercise. For some it can make you very ill.
I believe this is why dieticians are often alloted.
This is even more so important if considering bariatric surgery to 'fix' obesity and overeating. Which I know isn't the case here though.
Please listen to these posts and not nag your mum. You could make her ill due to more stress.
Chook what you said just here is literally my Mum! The girl's BG at 25 I would imagine that would be somewhere, if not over, what Mum's must have been when she ate the cake, like ALL the cake! I just don't get it. As soon as I got diagnosed I literally stopped and changed my whole lifestyle, that was me done. I saw what happened to Dad and I don't want to end up like him, but my Mum seems to be on a whole other level... much like the young lady you worked with, my Mum has seen the changes I've made, asked different questions about diet and food and exercise and how 'it works' - whilst all the time she actually HAS diabetes, what the heck! It's that bit that I'm honestly having trouble with. The secret but also why bother asking me *so* much about the changes if she's not willing to make them herself. You're totally right, you can lead a horsey to water but they won't drink it. I'm just worried it's going to take a huge health scare to either get her to do something about it, or..... and I hate to say this, but she might not get the chance. She's pushing the self destruct button from what I can see. :-(
Unfortunately part of the drama game could well be in keeping the condition secret so that when you found out the impact is even greater. Knowing how to push your buttons and watch you react could well be part of the game. It's hard but try not to give a big reaction to her- do your frustrated screaming when you're alone! You can still express your concern and care but you don't have to play out the drama. You can't change her but you can play a different role yourself.
If you feel the need to do something practical, with my parents I have on occasion sent an email to their GP expressing my worries about their health. I felt guilty about it because I felt I was betraying them, but there were times I was out of my depth with their health needs and couldn't just watch it happening without flagging it.
This will be such a strain on your mental health do take good care of yourself
It's tough, families eh??
x
I didn't take my type 2 diabetes seriously for the last 3 years since being diagnosed. It took a serious health scare to make me book my ideas up. I find most of the doctors and nurses don't emphasise how serious type 2 is, they really don't drum into you, that if ignored, it's a life threatening disease, and people end up the way I was, or like your mum. So sad=(
From what you are saying she has all the information she needs, has seen that your alternative method can work but has made her decision to enjoy her life her way, as is her right. There are many people out there who have made that same decision and, while we might not agree with it, at the moment it is a decision our medical professionals seem to support.
I suggest you leave it for a while, answer any questions she might have but don't raise the subject yourself. In the meantime support her with this other medical condition she is having exploratory tests for.
Gosh @IronLioness I know how that feels, my Dad is the same way and he's been longer a diabetic that I am. He's roaming about still taking in carbs and sugar (not too heavily though now thanks to my 41) but it's such a panic really isn't it? I do hope you get through to them soon and that they take your example as the new gospel. @West335 I know how that is, I did the same last year and hit the 114 and suddenly had to just crash myself into keto and intermittent fasting to get it back under control, I do hope things keep improving for you and all of you in the thread too!
Hi @IronLioness feel for you - a very difficult situation dealing with health of relatives and wanting to support, help and improve things.Hi all,
It's a long read, but bear with me, I have no one to talk this through to, and there's a whole load of emotion in me as I write this, but I really need your advice or guidance on this because I'm at my wits end.... for context, I was diagnosed T2 in October last year, I refused Metformin and instead just changed my whole lifestyle - at review of 3 months I've put my T2 into remission with a Hba1c down from 49 to 41, I acknowledged it and took ownership. The problem - so, my Mum was feeling ill over the past 2 weeks and since my own experience and symptoms, I kept telling her it "could be diabetes", she denied it, said she's just feeling ill etc..... anyway, she went to the Docs this morning and came over to my house with my Dad (who's also T2 but now takes insulin) and they were both quiet but wouldn't tell me what the diagnosis is/what the doc said.... My Mum has a LOT of narcissistic traits, if not fully fledged, she scores highly on the scale for narcissism and actively encourages drama and attention seeking so I thought this is her just being her usual dramatic self... she mentions that she needs to go for a colonoscopy (yikes!) but then mentions her symptoms again, which ALL sound like the ones I had pre-diagnosis and I ask if she's had a Hba1c rating done. She swerves the question, I bring it back and ask her to go get them checked because last week I saw her AND him smash a full CAKE, and a 1/4 of another one on Saturday, she then started feeling ill on Sunday, inc the very 'diabetes like' symptoms.... Here's the kicker...............She's literally just admitted to me that she already IS diabetic!!! wth!!!! And has been, since 2016!!!! Only my Dad knew. She hasn't told me nor any other family member as she "didnt want to worry us". But she has NOT changed her diet at all, but she's on Metformin, and yet still eating the same rubbish (as well as good foods, too) but no exercise. I think she didn't tell us because it's more to do with the fact that she didn't want to own up and take responsibility for her health and change her lifestyle....so she continued eating the same.
The issue, I'm really angry and upset about this, the fact that all this information only came out today! - the fact she kept it a secret, continues to eat rubbish, she doesn't want to change her lifestyle, and the worst thing is, because my Dad is also T2, her bad habits also impact on his decisions - if she eats badly so does he, and vice versa. If he wants something sweet he gets her to get it then he just bolsters his insulin, she's not on insulin at the moment so the metformin is all she's doing. She doesn't check her BG levels, she last had a blood test in January and her Hba1c was down from 65 to 50 - I found all this out just today! But she does NO diabetic management at all, apart from going for a check up *sometimes*, so she tells me, she doesn't even check her own BG levels - my Dad check his though..She does nothing at all.... She doesn't exercise at all - and that's the bit that's killing me inside because they have an exercise bike and treadmill at their house. She knows I have been a gym bunny for 15 years but my own diet was wacked which pushed me into diabetic zone, so I've actively encouraged her to come with me to the gym, she refuses, and wont even use her own equipment. As far as I can see, she just doesn't want to change, and I don't know how to get her to wake up and get real about this disease because if she leaves it, it will just keep getting worse. I also genuinely think he symptoms are less to do with cancer (as she automatically and dramatically thought) and more to do with her body saying "STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME!!!" ... (context: she needs to lose around 5st to be in the healthy range)
Has anyone else had/got a diabetic parent or close person that just refuses to change? how do you handle it? did you get them to change/take their health seriously? how?
Any tips or advice or guidance on how to deal with stubborn/refusal to change relative(s) with T2 because I'm at a total loss on this...and also really worried about her health. She's very feisty, but yes, she also loves the attention she gets and is highly manipulative too... I honestly can't believe she 'hid' this from me, despite seeing my own diagnosis and *still* not doing anything about her own health.... I don't know what to do, I'm worried she actually will have something serious go wrong with her, but she doesn't seem to care about herself/her health.. :-(
@shelley262 I can relate to this, especially when you mention balancing the messages, I had the same problem. I'm trying to get my head around something that works for me, then I've just passed on the info to my Dad who I thought was interested and my Mum too. After today maybe I'll just reign it in with the tips and leave them to it. It a toughy, for sure. I like your approach, just focus on me and maybe they might pick up a new approach of their own.Hi @IronLioness feel for you - a very difficult situation dealing with health of relatives and wanting to support, help and improve things.
My mum who is 88 is an interesting story. She’s been type two since her 60s and has kidney damage as a result. To be fair too she has followed official advice to the letter ie low fat, high ‘healthy’ brown carbs lots of fruit and veggies but as we know mainstream advice doesn’t work for diabetes type 2. My problem has been trying to balance out mainstream messages with what has worked for me and many on this forum. As many older people do she has believed in what drs say and couldn’t understand how it could be wrong. Think this makes it even harder when trying to get message across.
However, even though I decided after some conflict ( because I felt I could help her get better) that going on about it to mum wasn’t making any difference, she was clearly taking note and slowly was starting to make changes quietly on her own. Her hbaca1 is now down to 34, she’s an ideal weight and kidneys no longer worsening. Do the best you can for yourself and carry on improving your health it may be that leading by example has a bigger impact than you expect - it worked for my mum. Once she started to see and feel the differences she kept to her altered way of eating. I’d say her way of eating is moderate rather than low carb but has had a big impact on her.
Good luck hope it goes well.
My dad passed , with diabetes, but not as a result, a few years ago. I am thankful it was before I was diagnosed and educated about it otherwise we’d have been in the exact same situation as you.
You can educate, you can inform, you can set an example but you cannot make your parents act. They are of an age where they are unlikely to self educate, they are likely to believe and take as gospel whatever their dr says. They are likely to view their kids opinions as “new age” nonsense. Whatever the age of their children.
Keep talking about you, don’t comment on them. Talk about the benefits and positives not the negatives and risks. Send them low carb food parcels. Support them and love them. A rift will haunt you later more than making your point more vociferously. They are of an age where something will be at risk of failing. Make the most of your time with them. Do your best to extend it but do t cause a separation due to their stubbornness. . Be clear but don’t t lecture.
More education required. The right education. I have a friend diagnosed same time as me. Taking the metformin cos he likes his food too much! Has all sorts of health problems. I've explained how they could be linked to his diet. Still eats high carb, lots of alcohol. But not changing. Its sad but you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.@IronLioness if your mother has narcissistic tendencies she will never, in my experience of my father, admit she is wrong and you are right about anything. You have demonstrated perfectly by your own management of your diabetes what is possible to make things better. She may be feeling a bit uncomfortable in herself about it so give her time to think about it. She may also be in denial. There really is nothing more you can do but be there for them. It may not be fair if they come to depend more on you down the line but you cannot make them change.
I was in the queue in the supermarket today behind this guy who pointed to my slimline tonic water and said there is a much nice one than that with orange in. I said I am diabetic and thats the only suitable one for me. He said so was he but he is now on insulin which is great and he eats and drinks what he likes.. I told him I control mine with diet only and he said “nah thats not for me, I like my food, after all life’s too short”. Ironic or what! This is a hard mindset to change.
More education required. The right education. I have a friend diagnosed same time as me. Taking the metformin cos he likes his food too much! Has all sorts of health problems. I've explained how they could be linked to his diet. Still eats high carb, lots of alcohol. But not changing. Its sad but you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Very frustrating for you . Lead by example. I hope things improve.I'll try and give her info when she wants it, she's very stubborn and doesn't seem to want to change or take ownership of self management for it, she's had 3 years and done nothing at all, she's not taking it seriously at all and that did frustrate me if I'm honest. I did find out yesterday she said she's not been told anything at all about self management of diabetes by her doctor - the same Doc I see who was really helpful for me, so that didn't add up at all. She said she's not had any letters or invite to attend Desmond course, nor any foot checks until recently, nothing at all. That seemed odd to me and she keeps talking about being 'borderline' diabetic and says the Doc said she's borderline too, but then in the next she says "I'm diabetic, they told me I was". It doesn't add up and confused me when she told me. So I looked online at the ratings chart for Hba1c and she started at 65 BG then dropped in the last year down to 50 at the last reading in January so says the docs we spoke to on Friday, but either way, she's definitely diabetic, there's no iffs, buts, maybes or borderlines, she's in the red so either she's in total denial mode, still after 3yrs, or...I don't really know, it's all v odd. I don't think the Docs could have missed her off of their care pathway, but she was adamant that they don't follow up on her. She also says that my Dad tests her BG every morning (not after food/before etc) and every day it's around the 7 mark. I've tried to suggest testing before and after food so she knows its effects but it's not being taken in, she says she'll do it but doesn't - my Dad doesn't "believe" that's correct about random testing of BG, he thinks he just needs to test himself every morning and he's fine. My reaction was "but how do you know what foods affect your BG?" He doesn't seem to care. Yeesh... My Mum is super smart, so she knows what to do, she just doesn't want to do it, it seems. The one thing Friday which did make me angry/frustrated is that when I found out the news she's been T2 for 3 years, that also means that every time she's visited me/me visited her, since my own diagnosis, and she's tried to tempt me with offers of sweets, takeaways, carb heavy dinners, cakes that she's bought etc - which I declined every single time, I'm being that hardcore - but it means that in all that time she was diabetic herself! That really frustrated me... not only doesn't she want to help herself knowing she has diabetes, but she tried to sabotage (of sorts) my own attempts to change my lifestyle, and she's still doing that with my Dad - she buys the rubbish, they both eat it. Good grief..
I think the way forward is, like you and everyone have mentioned here, to just focus on myself and getting better myself. My BG has come down from 49 to 41 so although I'm now green zone and in 'normal' BG ratings I can't be too confident, it's an ongoing thing, but I'd like to bring it down even more if I can. I want to give myself as much chance as I can of not suffering from the negative ailments associated to T2. I'll stay positive and keep working on myself, and I'll absolutely be there for them both if/when they want support, no nagging. Sole focus is getting me back to healthy.
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