How to deal with such difficult person?

[WithoutSugar]

Hello!

My father has always been abusive. He often insults and bullies the family, but he always think that nothing is wrong with that, because he is right or because he does that out of interest for the family.

My brother has been traumatized from this and he probably has anxiety, but nobody seems to realise this.

My brother often tries to start up a fight with my father, by reminding him what my father did to him in various past occasions. My father's response is to insult my brother and remind him his failures and bad current situation, which I believe could be attributed to his anxiety.

How can I make my father realise that he has been and still often is abusive? I tried to tell him, but he denies everything and tries to blame everyone else apart from himself, as this is his usual tactic. He thinks we blame him without reason, he feels sad because he thinks he was always interested and supportive to the family, he thinks he did nothing wrong and that we overestimate his abusive behaviour and he thinks that we are unfair to him.

I have never seen such a person that cannot accept and see what 3 people say to him and moreover he simply bypasses and ignores the facts, ie particular incidents of his abuse.

It's so difficult situation, how can I make him realise?

thanks!

 

[4ratbags]

Unfortunately there is most probably nothing you can say to make him accept and rectify his bad behaviour and abuse. The behaviour sounds very familiar to me, if you were one of my children I would think you were talking about their father. I luckily only put up with his abuse for 5 years before I said enough was enough and I started to confront him about it. It's now been 20 more years and he improves every year but it's still there, luckily I am a calm person The best thing you can do is to talk to your brother as trying to constantly run at a brick wall will get him nowhere. It's not easy but it's better to try and move on and get on with your life, don't let the past determine your future. Please stand strong and be positive but remember that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

 

[jay hay-char]

I, too, have a difficult father, and I was sounding off on here just the other day about his general unpleasantness, arrogance and his conviction that he is right and everyone else is wrong. We see him very sparingly and regard visits to him and his wife as a duty rather than a pleasure. It shouldn't be like that, but it is.

I've spent years agonising about this and wondering what to do about it but I'm afraid I have come to the conclusion that there is little we can do. You don't choose your family, and some people find it easier to love their parents (and siblings, and children) than others. To be honest, I spend my time trying to make sure that my kids don't come to regard me in the way I regard my father rather than wasting it trying to change what is probably unchangeable.

If I could give any advice to your brother, it would be to see as little as possible of his father; it sounds like a relationship that is doing him harm and the best thing is probably just to walk away. Perhaps it will make your father stop and think about how he approaches his relationships with his children - but in all honesty, it probably won't.

I hope I am wrong; good luck.

 

[asparagusp]

Sad situation. You cannot change a person. Only you can change. Yes avoid as much contact with your father as possible. Good luck.

 

[Lamont D]

My FiL is such a person and unfortunately had to move in with us due to his circumstances. He is really a most difficult person to get along with and I've tried!
I spend most of my time avoiding him and when he becomes intoxicated or loud, I head to the other room. I know he does it to start an argument to get a reaction but I won't bite! He hates everyone and everything! He is always right!
The wife sends him to his room and the rest of his family just won't have anything to do with him! He is a truly obnoxious person!

His best ever line, was when we called the GP, because he was vomiting really bad and he was really poorly, he informed the GP that it couldn't be the alcohol, but the diet coke he put in his drink!!!

 

[wolfie11969]

I have been in this situation with mother. My dad used to try placate her when she flew off the handle, usually to no avail. My childhood was so different from people in my school. I'd walk on egg shells wondering when the next outburst would be. Or my father would take me out of school so I could help with household chores if mother decided she wasnt doing anything due to having a major sulk.

I do believe the way I was 'brought' up is what is having an impact on my mental health now (I have various personailty disorders and bipolar affective disorder along with post traumatic stress disorder and an anxiety disorder). For your sibling I would suggest they ask to be referred to the local mental health team with a view to having something called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or counselling via the local surgery.

I have learnt, from counselling myself, that you cannot change the person responsible but you can change the way you look at them and how they behave. Thats where CBT comes in handy. I wish you well

 

[Jaylee]

OK, these days there are plenty of "covert" video surveillance gadgets about record in decent quality..
Record these incidents & simply play it back to em like a "montage."

I had an abusive ex girlfriend once.. I took all her mouthy phone messages, set it to music like a rap. & sent it as a CD...
Point of note. You can be surprised how "rhythmical" abusive people are in their behaviour & vocal metering.. Think the "Nuremberg rally."?

 

[jay hay-char]

I have been in this situation with mother. My dad used to try placate her when she flew off the handle, usually to no avail. My childhood was so different from people in my school. I'd walk on egg shells wondering when the next outburst would be. Or my father would take me out of school so I could help with household chores if mother decided she wasnt doing anything due to having a major sulk.

I do believe the way I was 'brought' up is what is having an impact on my mental health now (I have various personailty disorders and bipolar affective disorder along with post traumatic stress disorder and an anxiety disorder). For your sibling I would suggest they ask to be referred to the local mental health team with a view to having something called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or counselling via the local surgery.

I have learnt, from counselling myself, that you cannot change the person responsible but you can change the way you look at them and how they behave. Thats where CBT comes in handy. I wish you well

Wise words as usual, @wolfie11969. CBT may not have any effect on the father but it will make his behaviour more endurable for your brother. In fact, you have got me thinking about whether it would be useful for me................

 

[donnellysdogs]

Cpunselling or therapy for the abused persons is pretty **** good.

I found a one to one beyter with counselling / therapy better than group cbt that I tried before.

My issues werent abusivenrss from family as such and I got help from
A cancer therapy lady, still do. Even though its me with the chronic illnesses and parents that just don't understand... its me that has had to change.

After indepth discussions and the best support I have ever had I chose to distance myself permanently. I do not regret it at all. They were making me so mentally ill it was worsening my physical health too.

I am in a much better place now thanks to the therapist. Today I sat down and wrote out a list of "I wills" for 2017. Ie I will do a weekly positive note and put in a jar each week. At the end of the year on New Year Eve 2017, I will have good things to look back on... no matter what else crops up!! I will start reading again etc..

I hope that others can gain strength and encouragement from Coubsellors and therapists. They don't give answers to problems but help with discussing issues and offering alternative thinking and behaviour to think about....

People don't change unless they want to... it doesn't sound as if some parents (mine included) can change or want to change. The only thing to do is for the children to adopt different approaches...

 

[Chook]

In my case it was my mother that was abusive. Emotionally mainly, rarely physical. I put up with it until I was 40 (I don't know why) then she did something so nasty that it was the last straw and I haven't seen her since. I haven't regretted escaping that relationship for a moment. I really wish I hadn't been so forgiving for so many years which now I feel were completely wasted. I feel now that I spent so much time and emotion on a manipulative, selfish woman who couldn't care less about anyone but herself and her own needs. You can't change these people because they think the problem is with everyone else. You and your brother need to think about getting away from a toxic environment and living your own lives.