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Humour

rick bue said:
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Wisdom Comes With The Years...




A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.



He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.



He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say

again, ''Pick me up. '



He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.



The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'



The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me; and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!'



The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.



The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?'

I said, 'Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride.'



He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,



'Nah. At my age, I'd rather haveatalking frog.'



With age - comes wisdom.
 
Tony Who?
pic.1







Who me? Surely you jest.
pic.2


















An early photo of Australian P.M. Tony Abbott,
still wearing bandages following his circumcision.
pic.5
 

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Pasha said:
Tony Who?







Who me? Surely you jest.



















An early photo of Australian P.M. Tony Abbott,
still wearing bandages following his circumcision.
Click to expand...

Can't see anything pics or images Pasha
 
From: johnandcons@shaw.ca
Sent: Saturday, February 14, 2015 1:15 PM
To: Merle Gleave ; jack Sichewski
Subject: Fw: Fwd: Irish Sugar Test.....Too Funny!!!






“Irish Sugar Test”







~ ~ ~ Off To The Pharmacy ~ ~ ~



One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket

and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.



He asks the pharmacists,

“Could you taste this for me, please”.



Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along,

taking the spoon with a tiny dab of the liquid,

puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around

and with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.



“Now does that taste sweet to you.”

says the old man?



The pharmacists said to the old man.
“Hell no!”


“Oh that's a relief”, says the old man,

“The doctor told me to come here

and get my urine tested for sugar”.
 

I worked in a pharmacy, boy, would I of loved to see a certain person ( and their spouse ) do that it would of made my day
 
How did the bubble gum get to the other side of the road ?

On the bottom of the chickens foot


Why was the broom late ?

It over swept
 

lmao, ty cheered me right up!!!
 
GRANDFATHER OF THE YEAR!!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there”.
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
"William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know
how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little
*******'s name is Kevin".
 
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
 
A small boy named Brucelived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia.
None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad, Bruce".
One day Bruce 's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but, sadly, she died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Bruce, working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!
Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart surgeon?
 
The subject for this class was "The moral to the story is......." A few kids had their say and it was John's turn."My mum is a fighter pilot bombing terrorists in Syria. Last month her jet was hit and she had to bail out. As she was parachuting towards earth, she looked down to see a dozen terrorists waiting for her to land so she can be captured. She checked her survival kit and found a small pistol, a hunting knife and a flask of whiskey. She gulped down the whiskey, and when her feet touched the ground she shot 9 terrorists with the pistol stabbed 2 with the knife and strangled the last one with her bare hands!" "That's a fascinating story, John. What is the moral to the story?" "The moral to the story is: DON'T MESS WITH MY MUM AFTER SHE'S BEEN DRINKING!!!"
 
lol
 
My New Neighbour
My New Neighbour





She's single . . . ..


She lives right across the road.


I can see her place from my deck.


I watched as she got home from work this evening.


I was surprised when she walked across the

Street and up my driveway and

Knocked on my door.


I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have

This strong urge to have a good

Time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm Free,
and I have no plans at all!"


She said, "Great! Could you

watch my dog?"
 
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