Humour

[Pura Vida]

Naval Sensitivity Training

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one xxxxxx ear."

 

[Pura Vida]

 

[Pura Vida]

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, By promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them". ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.. A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.~Plato, ancient Greek PhilosopherPoliticians are the same all over.
They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM; I’m beginning to believe it. ~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~John Quinton, American actor/writer
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? It's pollution.What happens if all of them drown? It's a solution ....!!!


It’s a sad, sad truth that it has not changed over thousands of years and it is even sadder that most of us has done nothing to try to change it!

 

[Pura Vida]

DEATH"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!"
PALM SUNDAYIT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMONONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "
SUPPORT A FAMILYTHE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERSA LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."


CLIMB THE WALLS"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOLWHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
GRANDMA'S AGELITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

[Pura Vida]

Canadian Joke

Dave & Nadine are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.

They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An old American couple standing nearby in shorts are intrigued by their manner of dress.

The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"

He replies, "How would I know?"

She counters, "You could go and ask them."

He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."

She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,
"Excuse me, I've noticed the way you're dressed and I wonder where you're from?"

Dave replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The woman returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

 

[Pura Vida]

A thoughtful Scottish >
husband was putting his coat and hat on to >
make his way down >
to the local pub. > >
He turned to his wee wifey >
before leaving and said, “Maggie – put >
yer hat and coat on lassie.” > >
She replied,“Awe Jock >
that's nice ye taking me tae the >
pub with ye?” > >
”Naw,” Jock replied “ Ah'm jist>
turnin' the heat aff while Ah'm > oot!”

 

[MikeZ]

A man comes home and bursts open the front door, "Honey, I've won the lottery, pack your bags!" "
"Oh how exciting, dear!" says the wife, "Where shall I pack for? The beach or the mountains?"
"I don't care," says the man, "just get out!"

 

[Pura Vida]

Subject: Fw: The Church Lady ...





The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taughtSunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her.

He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why, yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest
Restaurant in that part of South Carolina .

When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood.
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my SundaySchool class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home,they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with:

"Ahhh, mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in! The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.

He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing,
Whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them,
'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"