I once dated a gal who broke up with me because I only have 9 toes.
She was lack toes intolerant.
Did you know ants never get sick? It’s because they have anty bodies.
You can’t blame anyone else if you fall in your driveway . . . it’s your own asphalt.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock,,,, Now that’s humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I know what Heinzsight is.
Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers (the big ones at the end of the wing), which are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
I just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. He said, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.
