Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

Hi again Molly,

I have a nephew who is 25 years old, he was kicked out of the army after failing a random drugs test and has spent his time since doing as little as possible and staying with various members of the family. Everyone he has stayed with he has taken for a ride, and he fleeced my (70 year old) father in law out of several hundred pounds.
Recently it was my turn to 'welcome' him into my home, and as he is my sisters son, I had to exercise caution with my opinion of him. I soon had the measure of him. When my wife was around my nephew was totally incapable of fending for himself, she did everything for him. I had knee surgery earlier this year and was at home for an extended period, my wife works away regularly. When she wasn't at home he was totally self sufficient because I refused to cook for him, clean up after him and generally be his housekeeper. Once I pointed out to my wife that my nephew is, in fact, an adult and that he should act as such, and she stopped doing everything for him, he soon moved out.

As much as I dislike my nephew, he is still my nephew, I've been his uncle since the day he was born and I'll always be there for him and will stand by him when the going gets tough, but I refuse to be his keeper.

If you've read this far you'll be wondering what my point is.

Your love for your partner is without question, but maybe it's time you told him that you know what he's doing to himself and you won't support it any longer. What he is doing to himself is making you ill, no one should have to go through that. Maybe you should stop encouraging him to test his BG and just let him get on with it. He's still the man you love, but maybe you should just let him eat what he wants and ignore his diabetes, you know what the likely outcome is, as does he, and maybe you just both need to deal with the consequences as they arise.

I wish you, as always, the very best of luck, and hope that you can both work through this.

Molly56 said:

@Robinredbreast ...thank you for your message and your supportive words...as you say there are a lot of similar men out there and worried wives/partners so guess I am not alone...

Have found it difficult at times to concentrate lately but think I am finally coming to some decisions....basically I have got to let him get on with it but it is so difficult to see the damage that he is doing to himself.....and the potential issues ahead...

Anyway now is the time to concentrate on myself for the sake of my own health...one thing is to sort out my issues with food which have arisen because of this situation.......with Christmas around the corner I am going to give some careful thought to what I want to buy and eat over the festive period....
....and the second is to get stuck into my sewing project...have managed to finish off three bags this evening - will take some photos tomorrow and post on conversation.....have another half a dozen or so in the pipeline so plenty to be getting on with....

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Molly, it's understandable you want to do all you can, because of your concern, empathy and he is after all, YOUR partner. As I said before we are just 'onlookers' and you must try to keep well both mentally and physically

On to bags, I can't wait to see more photo's of your talented work. Have a good and positive day Molly.

Best wishes, always RRB x

Molly56 said:

@angelicbaby .....think you hit the nail on the head.....I do feel exhausted....both mentally and physically .... to the point that at the moment I don't really care what he does and have lost the energy to fight this......at least for the time being...
Perhaps now the appointment is made I just need to let him get on with it for the next few weeks and concentrate on looking after myself...

Am still worried though as I know that his sugar levels are high today....he is particularly irritable and argumentative which is a sign...he hasn't tested his levels for a few days and I am not even going to suggest it as I know it will just result in an argument....am also shutting my eyes to the cakes etc he has bought and eaten....

.....sometimes I just need to mentally and physically walk away....(but be ready to deal with the fallout) ....have retreated to my sewing project for some constructive "me time".....

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Frankly, Molly, sometimes there needs to be an argument, because your non-communication about your frustration is feeding his behaviour. But, I've said all of that already.

Roger, over and out.

Molly56 said:

cannot be certain but am guessing that this was interpreted by him as…… “that’s ok ….I haven’t got to do anything about it until the end of January”…

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You haven't thought about asking him instead of guessing?

I find it so much easier to ask.

With bg levels as high as that, counting the carb in food and eating less of it will make those bg levels change.

Molly56 said:

Seems that blood sugar levels are running in the high teens...17.9 on 28th Nov when last tested before evening meal and 19.3 tonight....should I be worried by this as to me this indicates that the current medication is not being effective....and potentially damage is being done / things not working as they should....

...can it wait until his scheduled appointment with the specialist team at the end of January...eight weeks seems a long way off......or should I be speaking to the diabetic nurse for advice / more urgent appointment....

Ok....I did say it is down to him to deal with it....but it doesn't stop me worrying / being a concerned partner...........

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To make it simple. HE should be worried that his BG is running that high. It should be under 7 before a meal. Most people here would even go further and say that they want their B G in the 4.- or 5.-'s before a meal.

You must know this is doing damage - He must know. This is why insulin is being discussed - to force his BG lower.

Molly56 said:

Seems that blood sugar levels are running in the high teens...17.9 on 28th Nov when last tested before evening meal and 19.3 tonight....should I be worried by this as to me this indicates that the current medication is not being effective....and potentially damage is being done / things not working as they should....

...can it wait until his scheduled appointment with the specialist team at the end of January...eight weeks seems a long way off......or should I be speaking to the diabetic nurse for advice / more urgent appointment....

Ok....I did say it is down to him to deal with it....but it doesn't stop me worrying / being a concerned partner...........

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Hi Molly, I read this and I'm sure other do and feel absolutely helpless. What can anyone tell you what hasn't been said before. I have never heard what he wants i.e it is you talking on here, he has had no input not even through you.

I have asked you before 'have you discussed all what you talk about on here and all about your desperation to help him' he certainly needs to know how much this is affecting you big time. He has to be concerned about something!!!!!

The numbers he is running are not good and he does need some help, I would be certainly going down the doctors tomorrow with him. If it were me I would be in a panic and I would be taking myself off to A&E, but as the previous post have indicated counting the carbs in the foods and eating smaller portions in the interim will help.
Neil

Sadly Molly his levels are too high but that is why you are being forwarded to a consultant for insulin of some description.
As @iHs says carb counting and reducing would help these levels, but sadly he won't.
So there is no alternative but to wait for appt really. Your DSN has done everything she can with meds so he has effectively chosen his own destiny now and other than going over old ground with him about cutting carbs etc you cannot do anything more...

Molly56 said:

@donnellysdogs ....am cutting carbs where I can....pork loin steak cauliflower and french beans for dinner .....no potatoes for him (he actually suggested no potatoes so I think the message is getting there in part).........and his lunch was about 50g carbs as far as I can tell so trying to keep it down...and I am trying to reduce portion sizes a bit too
Kept a check for a few days on myfitnesspal and I think he had between 170g and 210g carbs per day over the weekend....does this sound excessive and what do you think he should realistically be aiming at....
Am having the same reservations about the festive period as I did my holiday in terms of food but I guess the answer will be just not to buy it in the first place...

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Hi Molly, Just to say I was diagnosed pretty borderline diabetes, if I have 1 slice of bread at 13 carbs that just about my limit and my system working a reasonably well. I would understand that 50 carbs in one meal is more than some have in a day its excessive.
Think you need to look round this site away from this thread and start looking at diet. Low Carb High Fat and the diets not difficult.
Neil

daddys1 said:

Think you need to look round this site away from this thread and start looking at diet. Low Carb High Fat and the diets not difficult.
Neil

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I totally agree. @Molly56 this thread may now have run its course and is actually diverting you away from far more useful information on other threads for diet and managing diabetes. There are wonderful recipe threads and exercise ones. Why not cast your net a bit wider and expand your thought and knowledge to adapt to the new situation?

If it were me I would be concerned at having such a high bg but then I would also be looking at what I had eaten/drank before that reading. Definitely I would be checking what I was eating for dinner after that reading.

I'm sorry Molly but this thread has really started to confuse me so I haven't looked at it for a few days.
You started off way back almost 600 posts ago by asking for advice to help your partner deal with his condition. It seems that no matter what advice you've been given he still hasn't 'seen' what he's doing to himself and to you.
You stated in one of your first posts that he was on antidepressants for depression. Whether this is what is causing his behaviour or if it's just sheer stubbornness who knows. If it's the depression, then as I said before the tablets are clearly not working. If it's stubbornness or some other reason then he clearly needs some sort of help to get him out of the 'place' that he's at.
I can't understand how even after all this time there's still no urgency in trying to get this sorted. Surely it's worth having an argument if there's even a glimmer of hope that you might get to the bottom of it and can then work together at a solution. That must be better than you both ignoring each other (this is how it seems in your posts)
You mentioned in another thread about animals behaviour that your oh had had chest pains all day. That would definitely have rung alarm bells for me and whether my partner liked it or not I would have been straight on the phone to 999. It's probably just indigestion but surely it's best to be safe. Just having that scare may have been enough to shock him into taking better care of his condition. Spending some time in a&e or even the coronary dept while they found the cause of the pain might have given him the opportunity to finally speak to someone and open up.
I've no doubt you care for him deeply but it's clear that you need to get this sorted now not later. This situation is no good for either of you and until he gets the help needed then nothing's going to change even if/when he's prescribed insulin.
Even if the pain in his chest has gone, please Molly get him to the GP tomorrow and have him checked out.

@Molly56

I haven't read the other thread where you have mentioned chest pains.
He should see GP about this.. Yes, it could just be indigestion etc.. But it could be angina or worse.. Worth a check up with a GP or acute nurse.

Going back to carbs.. It is very difficult to give advice, as people ate individual. I find it hard to eat 50g a day. That keeps me at a slim size 10. No weightloss as I don't need it, but I am very active too physically.

Some people can go less than 30g a day some consider 100g low carbing.
The important thing though is to add in fat to stave off hunger pangs.. Food like cheese, cream and butter..coconut oil and flaxseed.

I think you need to look around further on the site to look at low carb recipes or bs readings or ally1's readings...

The last two mentioned have been fantastic reading. @ally1 had readings up to 30 and hospitalised 2 or 3 times but she is making huge steps towards a better future.. And she is doing fantastically well.

I applaud you for trying and taking furher steps to help OH. Don't forget though. If you don't buy the stuff for xmas then he won't eat it.... Xmas day is just that.. One day... Not enough food etc for two weeks that seems to be going in the majority of trolleys I've seen.

Good luck Molly...

@Molly56

Have you managed to look around at low carbing ideas and recipes?

Has he done any tests when you aren't around at all?

Has he seen a dr about the chest pains. Honestly Molly heart attacks arnt always how you see on TV. I know from my husband suffering 2.

Glad you have got out Molly and spent sometime (and money) on present buying for your boys.

Look at total carb value Molly for buying pre made foods. If they've got potatoes or rice or pasta in they'll be higher carbs..

Dods OH like cheese by itself? If having the main meal with a heavier load of carbs than say 30-50g try to have a pudding of just cheese.. Or defrosted berries with cream or yogurt.

Glad you took some me time...