My grandmother passed away

[DreamKitty]

My grandmother passed away and it's been 1month since her death. She died due to a diabetic foot infection. What happened was that, 2 years she took of some dry skin from her feet. As we know with diabetes infections have a way to get in. And so a small cut turned into something big, then she went to private hospital, they gave her some medication to avoid her getting an infection. But worst came to worst and soon her all her toes, feet turned black and fell of.

Next thing the doctor said she will need a knee amputation and there was risks because she was 84. One doctor said to go ahead, the other doctor thought she shouldn't have the operation. So then my family went back and forth, it came to the decision that we didn't want to lose her so her children ended up controlling the infection with medication. The infection spread and slowly her health detoriated, my grandmother lives with my uncle and my dad visited her in 2010. This past few months she was seriously ill and her condition took a turn for the worst & she became so thin, was bed ridden eventually and had to be tude fed as the infection had already spread through her body.

She passed away last month. This is the first time I have experienced death where I was actually old enough to understand it. My grandmother apart from the foot infection always had her diabetes under control & was quite healthy. If this infection didn't happen, she would have lived for a good few years. She was the last remanining grandmother I had left. I can't stop thinking about death and it feels so awful! Im just wondering does time heal the pain?

 

[Unbeliever]

Sorry to hear you are so badly affected by your grandmother's death. Grief afffecs you in stages but the stages last for different lengths of ime according o the individual and the circulstances.

You won't go on feeling the acute shock and pain you feel now . if you do you will need help..
It is hard but it passes and you gradually learn to live with the loss although this doesn't mean forgetting it.

It is more difficult in some cases than in others . You are obviously upset about the suffering of your grandmoher. The thought that a person might have survived if reated differenly delays yo being able to come to erms with it. Its very common unfortunately.

I lost one parent very suddenly and athe other was ill for many years. As someone once said to me here is no GOOD way to die in its effect on those left behind,. Sudden death is far more difficult I think hough.
if you can get past the thought that your grandmother would still be with you if reated differnly you may be able , eventually , o feel happy for her in that she is no longer suffering.

Mostly we are grieving for ourselves and for things which seemed unfair in the persons life.
All this gradually fades or we ewould not be abe to function.

Don't be hard on yourself. Give yourself time . Of you love people you have to grieve for them.
It hurts. Don't try o fight it and bury the grief it wwill ony surface in another way.

You have recognised that this is your first adult experience wih death. Of ourse his is bound to be overwhelming. Just don't expect oo uch too soon. It really will pass and one day you will be able o hink of your grandmother without the pain/

IThe death of a close relative or friend forces us , to accept outr own mortality that is very hard. It sounds as hough you might be past he very worst now as you are beginning to address the situation in a more detached way than was possible at first.

I am sure everyone who has ever suffered a bereavement will feel for you.

 

[WhitbyJet]

Oh Dreamkitty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Your feelings of grief are still very raw, and thats only natural, its only a month since your bereavement. Its very sad that your grandmother became so ill before her death, you know sometimes it just happens like this, elderly people havent got the resistance a younger person might have, there comes a point when the body gives up, no treatment in the world would have helped. Age doesnt come into it, when you love someone they can be 700 years old and it still would be too soon for them to die. The pain that you are experiencing now will fade, it will give way to warm feelings and fond memories, I guess you find that hard to believe right now, but I promise you it will get easier.
I lost my grandmother 3 years ago, she was 98, I kept on torturing myself with thoughts of 'if only we had done this or that', I found lots of talking to my parents and aunts and uncles helped me to move on from that, so Dreamkitty you are already working things through, you came to the forum to talk about things, it is good that you can open up. Everyone grieves in a different way, there is no right or wrong.
As I have said I found that talking helps, but there are also organisations that can be contacted, eg CRUSE Bereavement Care, they can arrange for a counsellor to see you. Losing a loved ones brings a whole host of feelings to the surface, feelings you werent even aware of having before all this happened; bereavement also makes you more aware of your own mortality. All feelings that need to be dealt with.

From the way you write I can tell that your grandmother was a lovely woman, she was obviously loved and cared for by you and family right through the end. I can tell you that this is very special, I know its a sad fact that not all families have this kind of closeness. I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that you all did your best for grandma.
All those years ago, when you was born she planted a little seed into your heart, the seed of love and this is still within you, nobody can take that away from you and it will continue to grow, you will pass some of it on to all the people that you hold dear to you, one day you might have children of your own, you will pass this special love on to them like I did/do to mine.
There will be days when you say or do something without thinking, an suddenly realise 'this is just what grandma used to say/do'.
I dont know if you celebrate Christmas, but if you do, light a special candle for her, she is with you in spirit, right there in your heart, that is her legacy.
A really big hug to you and all the best to you and your family x x

 

[DreamKitty]

Unbelieverthank you for your kind advice and thoughts. My uncle and aunts, including my dad deep down inside knew she was going to die. They were right beside her, she also had grandchildren (my cousins) who looked after her, clothes & washed her, she had a bedpan as well. She did not die suddenly since she had the infection for 2 years. I agree that sudden death is the most upsetting.

I looked at her photo the day after she died and cried like a baby. Then when my dad stayed with my uncle and his family for 6 weeks, to sort out the funeral service and just really stay to support one another. When he came back home, I cried again because I can still see the pain in his face & can't directly look at his eyes. Sometimes I just want to get out of the house because seeing my dad just makes me even more sad.

Everyday he would phone my grandmother and now he told me that is gone. He said when things got really bad and when my grandmother was ill, he got to the lowest point and he prayed to God that he could be by her side at the moment of death and also because he loved his mum the most, that God would make him die at the same time with his mum. He also feels that he is so alone and that the world does not seem like a world anymore without his mother. He just doesn't feel like living and has lost all enthusiasm for life. Those kind of comments as his daughter hurts me as well because I do love my dad & I want him to know that Im still here. Sometimes it feels like grief can be selfish but maybe this is just the way my dad is dealing with it. Im more worried for him then me, if he could be happy & accept it then I could be happy. But at the same time it has made think about life and made me feel more love for the ones that I have here. My cousin also mentioned a similar thing to what you said, just to rest your mind and think that the pain is gone for her and because she did do good deeds in life, she is most probally is resting in heaven.

 

[DreamKitty]

Oh Dreamkitty, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Your feelings of grief are still very raw, and thats only natural, its only a month since your bereavement. Its very sad that your grandmother became so ill before her death, you know sometimes it just happens like this, elderly people havent got the resistance a younger person might have, there comes a point when the body gives up, no treatment in the world would have helped. Age doesnt come into it, when you love someone they can be 700 years old and it still would be too soon for them to die. The pain that you are experiencing now will fade, it will give way to warm feelings and fond memories, I guess you find that hard to believe right now, but I promise you it will get easier.
I lost my grandmother 3 years ago, she was 98, I kept on torturing myself with thoughts of 'if only we had done this or that', I found lots of talking to my parents and aunts and uncles helped me to move on from that, so Dreamkitty you are already working things through, you came to the forum to talk about things, it is good that you can open up. Everyone grieves in a different way, there is no right or wrong.
As I have said I found that talking helps, but there are also organisations that can be contacted, eg CRUSE Bereavement Care, they can arrange for a counsellor to see you. Losing a loved ones brings a whole host of feelings to the surface, feelings you werent even aware of having before all this happened; bereavement also makes you more aware of your own mortality. All feelings that need to be dealt with.

From the way you write I can tell that your grandmother was a lovely woman, she was obviously loved and cared for by you and family right through the end. I can tell you that this is very special, I know its a sad fact that not all families have this kind of closeness. I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that you all did your best for grandma.
All those years ago, when you was born she planted a little seed into your heart, the seed of love and this is still within you, nobody can take that away from you and it will continue to grow, you will pass some of it on to all the people that you hold dear to you, one day you might have children of your own, you will pass this special love on to them like I did/do to mine.
There will be days when you say or do something without thinking, an suddenly realise 'this is just what grandma used to say/do'.
I dont know if you celebrate Christmas, but if you do, light a special candle for her, she is with you in spirit, right there in your heart, that is her legacy.
A really big hug to you and all the best to you and your family x x

Whitebyjetthank you for your kind advice and thoughts. I think you are very blessed to have had your grandmother live upto the age of 98, that is amazing and very special. From my mum's side, I never met my grandpa, he died in 1983 and I was born in 1990. My other grandmother died in the mid 90's and so did my other grandpa around this time. I was 7 years old and didn't really feel the sadness because I was so young.

So my only remaning grandmother was my dad's mother who lived with my uncle in a different country to me. She lived with her younger son and his wife, children but the house was built by my grandmother and her husband. My dad would take me and the family to vist her on holidays. The last vist was in 2009 and she cried and said "what if I never see you again?" and me and my sister reassured her that we would come back and we never did . Also few weeks before my grandmother's dead she said my name and said "where is my grandaughter" she wanted to see me and my dad. When my dad came she was already in a coma state. But my dad still loudly said "hello, mum your son is here!".

And then a sort of miracle happened. My dad saw that tears were streaming from her face with a sad facial expressions, she thinks that she may have heard her. He wiped away the tears for her.

Then on the second day of my dad's vist, she passed away around 4am. My grandmother told her children how she wanted the funeral, who should carry the coffin even when she was ill so had her wishes fufilled.

Then my aunts took some of my grandmothers things, like clothes and rocking chair. My aunt said that the rocking chair will always remind her of her mother.

It is so hard, I loved her dearly & I see other people with their grandparents and think how lucky they ar to have them still alive. I have no grandparents now, my only hope is that oneday I can see her in heaven. And as for what you said about the little things that will be a reminder of my grandma, they already are. My dad talked about the simple things, the sweets that were my grandma's favourite and also about my grandpa, what foods they liked, my dad's childhood with them etc. I just feel the pain more for my dad since he was my grandma's favourite son and they were so very close. I just want time to go by so this death can be old news but I can still treasure her in my heart.

.