My husband has been diabetic (type 1) for around 20 years. We have been together for 22.
He’s always had the potential to be short tempered but this last week he has been terrible. He is Ill and his blood sugar isn’t controlled.
How do I address this?
When he’s been like this before he will say yes I’m diabetic it can affect my moods, you should know this! And he can never say sorry.
He’s even been saying things about selling out assets and splitting the money but there’s not even been a particular argument.
To be honest at this point it would be easier to let him go but most of the time the relationship is good.
Okay, so.... Most of the time things are good, but sometimes he's basically making excuses to be an as*h*le to you? That's putting it extremely bluntly, but...
Big backstory. I'm a T2 diabetic, and yes, being uncontrolled made me into a fire breathing dragon, until I got a grip on my blood sugars. I also went misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which turned out to be ADHD with resulting social and general anxiety, severe depression and suicidal tendencies. That, too, makes me particularly hard to live with, as it is taking a very long time for me to get help. (Current waiting list for psychiatric care is 58 weeks, but hoping to change that when I switch insurers. Hopefully then it'll be a month or two into the new year. I don't care about me, I want to be better
for him. Same reason I tackled my diabetes: to make
his life easier.). On top of all that I lost my mom last March, and some days are harder than others. I have a lot of reasons why I can be an absolute hag to my husband. I know it, and I know it when I'm doing it. And I'm
not going to tell him it's because of blood sugars, the ADHD, grieving my mom, or whatever else I can come up with, and he should understand, grin, and eat whatever sh*t I serve, making it his problem instead. That's gaslighting, and I had enough of that from my dad, growing up, to know better. What I do do, right when something nasty has left my mouth, is say that I am sorry, -not a rote thing, but truly and deeply- that it's me, not him, why I am reacting the way I am and that I love him, don't mean anything I've said, and then we work through whatever needs to be worked through, if anything. We talk. And I own my behaviour. Knowing where it comes from helps, yeah, but that's no reason to lay responsibility for it at the feet of the other. I know my husband: he will think whatever I say means the fault lies with him, he'll shut down just mulling over everything he might've done wrong, possibly for days, when that's not the issue, and it just isn't true. I'm the problem, and I am not going to make him feel like he did anything, when all he's ever been is supportive and loving.
This isn't something you deserve. To be treated like that. When we (diabetics and/or the generally short-fused) are mean to people, we bl**dy well know it. If he's ill he's more likely to be high than low, so cognitive function should still be alright, so can't blame it on not knowing what he's doing... I know, he's ill and thus uncontrolled for a week, but it sounds like this has been a long, ongoing issue for years. Maybe startle him some and agree to divvy up the assets? Maybe that'll wake him up. And if it doesn't... Maybe starting over on your own, wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.
So... Time to ask yourself some questions: Is this someone you can reason with when his blood sugars are back under control and you can tell him how this is affecting you? The lack of sincere apologies adding insult to injury? Would he love and respect you enough to listen? Is this a situation you want to remain in? Because like you said, most of the time it's good. Is it good enough to hang in there? In every relationship, sacrifices are made, and only you know how far you want to go with those, and whether or not your marriage is worth making more of them for. We can't look into your homelife from a single post. There's more sides to the story, this is a bad patch, etc, etc. So we can advise whatever we want, but none of us here knows what's really going on, how deep some things go. Is a short fuse "just" a tendency to make scathing remarks, or does it escalate to physical or mental abuse? All I do know.... Sometimes you have to really think about whether a certain situation is good for you, and if not, whether it's likely to change any time soon.
You are allowed to choose you. If not obligated, even. Do whatever you
need to do to get to a good place again. With, or without him. But if you can talk, and delve into these things, do. So you know you did everything possible and don't get stuck second-guessing yourself, with whatever descisions you make.
Hugs,
Jo, the she-dragon.
