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My last outreach

Bufger

Active Member
Messages
36
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
Sounds a bit dramatic, the truth is i'm numb to it all.
I'm 33, I have a wife and two kids. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes nearly 3 years ago now and put straight onto insulin. The problem is I have something wrong with my mental health and I completely self sabotage with my diabetes, its coupled with a really bad relationship with food.

Its been at least 4 weeks since I tested my blood glucose. I've been taking my lantus every night (38 units) but haven't taken a single Bolus in months... There, i said it.

I used to be 21st which was the point I got diabetes. I'm now 15st 6lbs. People tell me well done on the weight loss but the truth is I havent done anything different, i've ate a bad diet, havent excercised and i've lost the weight, I know its because im running high, sometimes I can even feel my body working overtime and burning like a furnace. I now hear words like 'diabulemia' and wonder if thats what is happening to me and my mind - is my subconcious linking weight loss to bad control? I dont even think when i'm going to the fridge, its like someone else is controlling my body but a few minutes after I feel ashamed and then I block it out and move on.

I took the step to mention this all to my DN who recognised I needed help but didnt know what to do or suggest. She referred me to the hospital. I've spoken to more than one GP about it and they dont know what to do. In one hour I'm going to see the specialist doctor at the hospital and i'm going to tell him all of this. In my mind its my last chance to get help, I dont know what help i'm asking for specifically but i'm suspecting its some kind of psychological help.

Maybe as a 33 year old male with a professional career and family falls outside of the usual stereotype for this kind of thing. How can a person not control their own mind when consciously they really want to live, succeed and be happy but subconsciously they are on autopilot to destruction.
 
The most important step is one you have already made, you reached out. You know something is not quite right which is imo is a good sign, it means you are ready for a change. Good luck with your appointment, I hope it goes well for you.
 
Bufger,

You sound overwhelmed with it all to me, I really feel for you because it must be so horrible not knowing why you feel the way you do, I am no expert but it sounds like you are quite depressed. Depression is a physical illness and can happen to anyone, do NOT feel ashamed or embarrassed. I think people get so hung up on their diabetes that they forget they can also be susceptible to other illnesses that might not be connected at all to diabetes or at least not entirely. Everything seems to be put down to the 'diabetes', I am glad you are getting help but don't let them fob you off with 'oh it's your glucose issues' etc, maybe you need other sorts of help. Good luck to you, it's good that you have recognised that something is wrong. Please let us know how you get on.
 
Hello @Bufger, I can move your thread into the 'Eating disorders' forum if you wish ?

I am also tagging @asortafairytale who has more knowledge of this and would be able to support you.

It must be a big mental burden having to deal with this, so I hope at least by talking about it you have taken some of the pressure off yourself, perhaps just take one step today and test your glucose levels before you eat and inject your quick acting for lunch ? As with anything in life, if you can take the small steps then the big ones become alot easier. Reducing your blood glucose levels will make you 'mentally' feel alot better as too much glucose can impair your thinking, so making your feel slower/sluggish and can affect your mood. Best wishes J
 


Bufger - As someone who has had an eating disorder in their past albeit before any diabetes diagnosis), I really can identify with much of what you say. I wasn't having to manage insulin with diet, but sure as heck my eating wasn't in a good place. I too knew something had to change, but I went for a very long time simply unable to make that change for myself.

This wasn't something I was discussing with anyone. And I mean anyone. It must have been absolute torture for those close to me watching me waste away.

In the end there was a trigger for me that made me seek help, and once I got that I did feel so much better, although it took a long time to be well again.

In terms of any steroetyping. Actually, as a professional person, a high achiever (went to Uni young, then went on to do really unusual, ground breaking work, living a sort of life we read about and think,........ how did they do that?", but it didn't stop me being gripped into a bad place.

During my many discussions with psychiatrists, usually quite late at night (I was an inpatient, and in the evenings the Psych used to come into my room for a cup of tea and a natter), I learned at actually a significant percentage of those with eating disorders are extremely clever, successful people, and that makes their struggle with control with something that to others seem so simple so frustrating for them.

The reality is, when it comes to issues like this, the condition is no respecter of the person's career, education, achievements, or anything else.

It is possible to recover from this phase that you are in. A surprising number of people do, but they don't often talk about it. I have talked about my own circumstances more on this forum than anywhere else, ever.

These days I'm many years from that bad place, but I do still have vivid memories of it.

Please don't stop reaching out, or trying to find help.

Keep us abreast with how you're getting along.
 
Last edited:
Thanks all. The DSN at the hospital recognised my needs and we had a good chat. She's asked me to refer myself to a local Psychological Therapy resource called IAPT so I've booked an appointment. I appreciate you all listening.

DCUKMOD - Your previous circumstances resonate with me. I'm in a job I never dreamed of and I have additional self imposed pressure as there is a peer expectation that I will continue climbing the ladder in this company. I put a great deal of importance on my professional credibility. The only time I feel strain is when that credibility is in question and I like to think I can cope with anything. I just cant comprehend why I'm not able to study and work my own way out of this one - i've been using the freestyle libre and modified a smartwatch to help my monitoring, i've studied whats actually happening with my body and what it needs, i've read books like 'think like a pancreas' etc. What I cant master is my own brain!

I'll keep everyone updated. I do find it a therapy in itself just thinking about it and writing it down.

Thank you all again.
 

Hi Juicyj,

I'm not really sure where it belongs?! I'm happy for you to pick where you think it is best placed.
 
@Bufger As you are on insulin it does not make much difference, but remind the doctors you may have Type1, not Type2.
 
ringi said:
@Bufger As you are on insulin it does not make much difference, but remind the doctors you may have Type1, not Type2.
Click to expand...

They've done some sort of blood test to confirm its type 2. With my lack of injections and really bad diet I would have probably had high keytones at some point also? They measured my bg as 26 in the clinic but keytones were 0.7.
 

What an incredibly powerful and inspirational post - thank you so much for sharing @DCUKMod .
 
There are some fairly simple behaviour modification techniques you could try.
Maybe before you go to sleep you visualise - just imagine with all the detail you can muster going through your day doing all the things you are supposed to do but have not succeeded in managing so far.
It can be surprising how what you visualise becomes easier - with me it was washing up, but it is something sportsmen are coached with.
If you visualise a successful day - even down to what you are going to eat, that is in your subconscious before you even start.
 

@Bufger - I'm sure you won't be able to believe this now, where you are, but I know deep, deep down that my journey to the pit and back of anorexia was the making of me. By virtue of the lessons I learned, I know that if I really, really want something, and I want it now, I can achieve almost anything. OK. Along the way I learned I could very nearly killed myself. I had a couple of weeks tops left. I'll never forget the utterly crushed look on my Father's face, when they flew out to say their goodbyes. That wasn't a good day for any of us. But, moving along; on the upside, I also learned, I could, over a bit of time, and with some help, turn that self-destructive, uncontrollable force around to rebuild what I almost lost and move forward.

Aside from my period of sick leave, surrounding my hospitalisation, and a couple of weeks to stabilise myself, and visit family (I was working and living overseas at the time), I didn't miss a day's work due to this. Also, when I was ready to change jobs, and actually spend a bit of time closer to my family (OK, 325 miles is closer?), I left one job at the end of one month, relocated and started my new job the next, and carried on in my career as if I hadn't missed a beat.

Please, please don't take that as template for your own journey, or something to set your expectations on, because, as I'm sure you appreciate, there was a lot of hard work, self-doubt, anger with myself for letting it happen, frustration and for a while the temptation to revert along the way. All I'm trying to do is to encourage you to consider this is a bump in your road. Of course, it is a very important bump to be navigated carefully, but it needn't cause an enormous stall, if you give it the respect it deserves.

Mother Nature is a very cruel mistress when gets a true grip, but she also has a forgiving side.

Please do stay with us and you could use this thread, or the blog section to chronical your journey if you find the prospect helpful.

If there was anything you wanted to ask me, please do, or if you prefer you could message me, but I think you can be assured there are lots of us on this forum gunning for you to get this sorted.

Not one of us is immune to an eating disorder, or any other form of mental illness. Not one of us is immune from burnout or whatever anyone wants to call it. Some of us are just in a better place, today, than others.
 
Biggles2 said:
What an incredibly powerful and inspirational post - thank you so much for sharing @DCUKMod .
Click to expand...

Biggles, nobody who has had a really hard time, with whatever ailed them, wants anyone else to follow in their footsteps, or similar.
 
Hi, I think you have had some excellent advice so far, so I'm just here to offer a bit of support!

I am a t1 & have suffered with depression for the past 12 years. The entire 12 years was a struggle /battle with my diabetes and the way I dealt with it was to ignore it as much as possible. I am now feeling a bit better and in addition to being referred back to the diabetic clinic I have been looking at the psychological effect of having something like diabetes. I also wanted answers as to why I was deliberately sabotaging my diabetes control, when I absolutely knew what I should be doing!

I have just started reading a book "Diabetes burnout. What to do when you can't take it any more" by William Polonsky. It's very american but so far seems really helpful. ( It also has a section on eating) Also on my reading list is "Living with the Enemy. Coping with the stress of chronic illness using CBT, mindfulness and acceptance" by Ray Owen and also "Diabetes and Wellbeing. Managing the psychological and emotional challenges of Diabetes types 1 & 2" by Dr Jen Nash. They are all on Amazon and you can preview them all to see if they will be useful to you. Perhaps a little light reading for you while you are waiting for your therapist appointment?

Best of luck & remember to keep us up to date on your journey xx
 

Thanks Tippieandmidge for your "inside view". Life can sometimes get very, very complex indeed, then it seems to conspire against us.

Good luck with your ongoing treatment
 

So wise, kind and thoughtful thank you. I am going to come back to this post on days I struggle.
 
I used to self sabotage by binge eating occasionally. Counselling helped me immensely with that. For years I had an ME like illness and couldn't do much at all. Everyone else seemed to have wonderful lives and I couldn't do the simplest things. I hated myself for that. Now I am through the other side I have learned that I don't need to push myself to achieve anything at all. I just have to be. I am happy just being me and am not driven to try to control my world, I just enjoy life more. Most of all I have learnt that I'm OK and I can love myself at last whether I achieve anything or not, there's an amazing freedom in being able to do that.
 
To keep everyone updated and for my own records -
The IAPT service looks at all mental health but they admitted there is little support in the bridge between mental and physical health at the moment. The have been granted funding to fill this void the coming year.

I mentioned my GP's are mostly locums so I don't get much of a personalised service, more of a quick read of my notes and told to manage my diabetes better... Because I've been passed around between the services a little bit the IAPT service have contacted the regional diabetes team (midlands) who have access to diabetes related mental health resource.

I've been offered CBT based on my other MH issues so I can figure out the triggers and causes and learn some different coping mechanisms.

I'm also back on the freestyle libre so i'm monitoring my BG a couple of times a day - which is a step in the right direction I suppose.

I appreciate the support i've received here. Its somehow different being honest with those you know have also been through this.
 


Bufger - I'm so glad you seem to have found a way to creep forward and get some support. The very best of luck with it all.
 
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