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Need to vent.

Discussion in 'Emotional and Mental Health' started by mook600, Jul 24, 2020.

  1. mook600

    mook600 · Newbie

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    I've been diabetic for going on 12 years now. Was diagnosed at 12 and I'm nearly 24. I have just never got it? I don't think it's ever sunk in properly. I sometimes think maybe my self esteem is so low with it I just don't really care enough about myself to sort it out. I forget insulin, I rarely ever do blood tests. I was put on the freestyle libre after a lot of arguing with doctors and although I could see it has potential as a life changing product... It's just a bit ****. More often than not the sensors arrive faulty, leaving needles in my arm and gushing blood... Or fall off halfway through the life cycle.

    I don't know what to do to change how I handle my diabetes. I've been very lucky and not had a lot of serious health issues so far despite my bad control. I understand it's what you can't see that's the problem though and can lead to some nasty long term effects.

    I'm a strong enough person. I've dealt with some very difficult family issues and mental health problems. I've travelled to some amazing countries around the world that most diabetics would dare to visit.
    I've got a successful career ahead of me and a wonderful girlfriend... But I just can't sort the diabetes out.

    I think I've got into a habit of not checking my blood sugar because I feel like I'll be punished for it being high. This comes from experiences as a young lad at the children's diabetes clinic. Some of the doctors there weren't the most understanding people. I used to visit alone because my Mum would be working. I was one of the older people at the clinic as I was 12 going on 13 and most of the children were very small. The place was catered to small children and their parents not a teenager struggling with not just diabetes but all the challenges that puberty brings. Feeling like I was being punished or told off for my poor control made me resent myself and feel guilty for having high blood sugar. I think this is why I still have anxiety around checking my sugars. I think I've got a voice in my head almost saying "what you don't know can't hurt you". In reality of course it is completely the opposite!

    Anyway thanks for reading if you made it this far. I just needed to vent some frustration.
    • Hug Hug x 7
  2. Grant_Vicat

    Grant_Vicat Don't have diabetes · Well-Known Member

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    Hi @mook600 and welcome to the forum - probably the best thing you could visit to sort out your self esteem. I think the first sentence of your last paragraph says it all. I always think it's particularly tough being diagnosed when you have experienced free living and not had to consider every tiny detail about keeping healthy. This sounds mad, but I feel I was lucky to be diagnosed at 11 months because I knew no different through my childhood and beyond. However, I did harbour a deep resentment at having to suffer the indignity of being jabbed in the backside, when neither my brother or sister underwent such treatment. I also hated Easter in particular. By the time I was twelve, I started the all too common trend of pretending I was not living with diabetes. Yet at the age of 13 I frequently had blurry vision and at 15 had started to show proteinurea. I knew that these were not good signs, but I didn't want to know what they really meant. At the age of nearly 21 I had some of the earliest laser treatment in both eyes. The Ophthalmologist said to me "If you carry on like this, you'll be blind by the time you're 23. That was the kick in the Kyber that brought me to my senses and allows me to read your post and do all the other things I enjoy, 41 years later!
    The chances are that your meter reading could well be high. You could punish it, rather than yourself, by eating regular amounts and testing to make sure you don't go too high or too low. It's a pain at first, but once you get the hang of it, you feel so much better physically and psychologically. The only thing that makes it particularly difficult is when bugs, colds or sudden stress rear their ugly heads. I was once teaching one-to-one, when my level shot up to 32%. I left the room, was violently sick, and injected a large amount of bolus insulin. I also drank almost a litre of water. Slowly my level came down, but I ate nothing till the next day. It was then that I found out some of the school had not come in because they had a stomach bug. I never showed any symptoms other than dangerously high blood sugar and ketoacidosis. Obviously, I was eventually under the knife because my kidneys packed up, I had a kidney/pancreas transplant in August 2013. I don't think 40 years from the first signs of kidney problems is a bad run!
    Part of your problem is a fear of what seeing results might indicate. With today's significantly improved treatment, I reckon you could be far older than I am and possibly still avoid serious complications. I hope you are encouraged to grab the bull etc. Good luck!
    • Like Like x 1
  3. DCUKMod

    DCUKMod I reversed my Type 2 · Master
    Staff Member Administrator

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    Mook - Hi there, and well done for openly "voicing" your concerns for your future. That's an immense step. Change isn't easy, but it sounds like you're in the right head space to make it.

    Have you spoken to your clinic about this at all? Most diabetes centres/clinics have clinical psychologists working alongside. Those psychologists have experiences in helping folks living with diabetes.

    I wish you every success moving forward. We all deserve our best possible lives.
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