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Please help, I'm so desperate...

Every day is a struggle said:
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for giving me all of this feedback, you have no idea how helpful it is. The only other person I speak to that understands is his ex girlfrield, he was with her 12 years and she got sick of the 'nasty' side to him coming out, she endeed upo calling the police and getting him removed as he had damaged her hire car. Saying thjis though she still cares about him and says it was a really really hard decision to make. I think the worst thing is that he has believed what he tells himself for so many years and used the highs and lows as an excuse that he is totally in denial. He convinces me every time that he doesnt know what he is saying or doing when he is like that. It happens around once a week, and once he has calmed down, he just stays in bed for days (depression obvsiously) and is unable to apoloigise or come and explain any of his actions. I always straight away stay in the spare room if hes kicking off. Its definately a rage thing - he threatens to do all sorts to the doctors and people who dont believe how ill he is. If I just ignore the ranting, he normally comes around, but if I ever say anything back, he jumps straight onto it and turns it into something really horrible, blames me and mny family and the NHS for everything. We are in the UK and I wanted to post here so that it wansnt too close to home as I was scared about doing this but really at the end of my tether. /But if hes rerally enraged, he keeps coming in and asking me for money or my pohone or he needs this or needs that as he is leaving and needs to go or needs money for weed. I smoke weed too which doesnt help - have done for 25 years and am totally aware of the facts about it - I am VERY informed about it, and should also stop but find it very difficult to. But he swears addiction isnt possible with weed. He smokes the stuff that deals with nausea the best and I absoklutely beliwve that he has this really bad every morming as has had many tests to try and help over years anbd years - hes been on chemo drugs and everything to try and get rid of it, but it is the levels problems that cause a problem with the constant sick feelings. He has dawn phenomenom and his levels on a morning are ridiculous compared to all the others I see on forums. He has been waiting for a pump for years but the NHS are taking years to give him one. I suppose for the last couple of years I have just been holding out to see if that makes his any better when his levels are managed a bit better. From my experience of being in hundreds of doctors and consultancy appointments with him, he knows as much if not more about complications with T1 thatn anyone I have ever met, he has problems with sweating prefusely all the time but especially hypos, which resulkts in contact dermititis - nighhtmare!!, constant ear infections, daily problems with eating due to the constant sick feeling, this can cause him to only eat dry crisps or crackers and sometimes go a few days without really eating too much - the weeds is the only thing that helps with this - genuinely. However he depends on it and all of the outbustrs seem to coincide with not having weed. He nursed his dad when he died from complications with diabetes when he was early twenties, his dad died a 52. This is obviously anothr issue. which he locks away. 60% of the time he is th absolute perfect partner for me and you couldnt meet a nicer, more generous, funny, kind, intelligent, wonderful person, he loves me dearly when he isnt having these problems and tells me he really does not mean a single bad thing he says and that he would rather cut off his legs than purposely hurt me. His ex said he never touched her - just smashed things up. This is why its so hard to know what to do - I finish it every few weeks but then when he comes round and has a load of remorse I just feel so desperate to give him the chance that no one else has. His family pretty much gave up on him years ago - if everyone just keeps giving up on him, how will he ever get a chance to get better! Hes had it since he was 2 and is now 37 same as me. I do believe that sometimes he doiesntr know what he is doing as I can tell in his face - his eyes turn really starey and scary and he has a masseve frown on his forehead. This is why I think it is a mixture of things.
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Hi,

I am so sorry to read all of this thread and how this is affecting you.

This is not easy for me to publically admit this, but for about four years - and until recently, I was very much like your partner.

I am ashamed of what I was during those moments of denigrating anger - especially because I took it out on my young daughters as well as my wife.

I have read everyone's advice and opinions on what is driving his behaviour... I don't know what is going on in his head, but I believe it is connected with and exacerbated by his diabetes and the horrendous swings.

I applaud you for sticking with him in spite of everything. When you said that you don't know where his diabetes ends and he begins I heard my wife - she said exactly the same thing to me on many occasions.

It is not my place to advise you what to do, but whatever you choose you should prioritise yourself: in this condition - especially with the weed, he cannot be guaranteed to act logically.

He needs to get psychological help; I did, and it has made all the difference. Had I not been able to take a look at myself and what I was becoming I suspect that I would no longer be living with my family.

You need to tell him - when he is stable and calm - that this cannot go on, that he has to go to his GP and get help or he has to leave.

You don't say who pays the bills, etc., but it sounds like you do; in that situation he should go.

However, I appreciate the complexity of the situation and accept that you may need a safe haven; do you have family or good friends who can put you up if needed? Otherwise, you may need to consider a shelter / refuge.

If, however, you decide to stay and he actually gets help, then you need him to get assessed for gastroparesis as I suspect he has it (the constant nausea is a strong indicator), in which case there's much you both can do to relieve that issue which will then help with other aspects of his diabetes and general life.

You also need to stop smoking, and helping him source his needs - because you're not helping yourselves there.

I hold out my hands to you both, and I send you a HUGE warm hug.

Best wishes,
Conrad
 
This isn't love. You're settling for 60%. One day you won't settle for that and you will stay single unless you find someone who will love you 100% and treat you with kindness and respect as an equal.

My ex was like your partner. He had major health issues and used these as an excuse for abusing me.

It starts as yelling, storming out, breaking up with you, throwing things, then punching walls and doors, smashing up your stuff, especially things that are important to you. Pulling back the bedcovers so you're not even safe in bed. It progresses to hitting you eventually. You will never know when that's going to happen.

Have a look at this and see if it rings a bell:

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf
 
ConradJ said:
Thanks, but actually the OP has made me realise that I haven't apologised properly to my wife and eldest daughter - who have borne the brunt.

I shall do so at breakfast.
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As a survivor of domestic violence can I just say you are an awesome man for owning it and making change. So few do. I don't hold out any hope that my ex will own his behaviour, but when I see a guy do this, it... warms the cockles of my heart. :) Hugs.
 
ConradJ said:
Hi,

I am so sorry to read all of this thread and how this is affecting you.

This is not easy for me to publically admit this, but for about four years - and until recently, I was very much like your partner.

I am ashamed of what I was during those moments of denigrating anger - especially because I took it out on my young daughters as well as my wife.

I have read everyone's advice and opinions on what is driving his behaviour... I don't know what is going on in his head, but I believe it is connected with and exacerbated by his diabetes and the horrendous swings.

I applaud you for sticking with him in spite of everything. When you said that you don't know where his diabetes ends and he begins I heard my wife - she said exactly the same thing to me on many occasions.

It is not my place to advise you what to do, but whatever you choose you should prioritise yourself: in this condition - especially with the weed, he cannot be guaranteed to act logically.

He needs to get psychological help; I did, and it has made all the difference. Had I not been able to take a look at myself and what I was becoming I suspect that I would no longer be living with my family.

You need to tell him - when he is stable and calm - that this cannot go on, that he has to go to his GP and get help or he has to leave.

You don't say who pays the bills, etc., but it sounds like you do; in that situation he should go.

However, I appreciate the complexity of the situation and accept that you may need a safe haven; do you have family or good friends who can put you up if needed? Otherwise, you may need to consider a shelter / refuge.

If, however, you decide to stay and he actually gets help, then you need him to get assessed for gastroparesis as I suspect he has it (the constant nausea is a strong indicator), in which case there's much you both can do to relieve that issue which will then help with other aspects of his diabetes and general life.

You also need to stop smoking, and helping him source his needs - because you're not helping yourselves there.

I hold out my hands to you both, and I send you a HUGE warm hug.

Best wishes,
Conrad
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Conrad I tip my hat to you for speaking out - it must have been very difficult for you and I admire you for getting the help you needed. At least you have shown that help is out there and that you can sort yourself out if you really want to
 
msprim said:
Conrad I tip my hat to you for speaking out - it must have been very difficult for you and I admire you for getting the help you needed. At least you have shown that help is out there and that you can sort yourself out if you really want to
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That's so true... "if the person really wants to". The difference between a violent person and a former violent person is willingness to change. No one else can change them, they have to want it for themselves. The only thing we can control is whether or not we will allow the behaviour by staying. Asking, telling, begging them to change does not work.
 
Every day is a struggle said:
Ive been trying to get help from the doctors, mental health, the diabetic centre in wakefield hospital, his diabetic nurse and consultant for a year and a half now, I've been in tears ion nearly every appointment and the last one with his consultant in the hospital - he asked me toi leave as I was getting upset. Ive been down to the centre and asked for help before - and been on the phone to people at least every other day about these anger issues, Ive called numerous ambulances til I'm blue in the face. The doctor have been useless. and the NHS. So I can undertand his frustraion a lot of the time. I have recorded his outburts and polayed them to doctors and they have told me to go and get help!!! WHERE FROM!!!!!!!!?????????
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I did the same thing with my ex.. The counselling provided is only as good as the patients honesty & willingness to open up. Thus helping themself...

My ex was willing to take the drugs but not do the counselling. She neglected to disclose the existent of her recreational drug problem to the professionals. Eventually I was called in when my ex sent me down for the anti depression prescription but didn't show for the counselling herself. She was going through these like smarties & trying to get more than her prescribed quota.
While I sat there in my ex's session explaining why she didn't want to be there her self? I realised I was being cohersed by my ex.. I didn't even know who I was anymore..
After the the councellor took notes from her texts & messaging on my phone with my permission. (She was messaging me during this time in the appointment.)
The councellor gave me some great advice. "I can't tell you what to do with your relationship. But if you choose to leave? Break off all contact." (Words to that effect.) But what about her? I asked. "We will pick up the pieces when she's ready."

That's when I decided, enough..
It took 3 coppers to get me out of there when a neighbour (thankfully.) called em out. My mum never raised me to fight off women!
I would strongly advice some sort of supervised back up when leaving! ;)
You will also need to ditch a lot of "mutual" friends I'm afraid.
 
I have read this post with interest. I am type 1 diabetes and has not had any problem of what you have described here. I was diagnosed with it in July 2009 and since then I have not had any of the above description. I am married and have two kids and my wife and I have very good relationship. I would be happy to share more with you and may be you could hear that you can help him a lot in controlling his sugar.
Every day is a struggle said:
Hi

I won't go into too much detail yet as I am new to post.

My partner has type 1.

Please someone tell me how I am supposed to believe that it causes my partner to continuously say the most despicable, what seems so calculated, mean, evil things to me over long periods of time, high, low or anywhere in the middle?

He has very very unstable T1, but does it really so this? Or could there be other underlying problems? I have had many varied opinions on this from people that relate or understand, but all so varied.

I just don't know if I can take it any longer but I love him so much.

In the last 2 months, he has demolished my work laptop and 3 smart phones, plus, loads of other stuff, he froths at the mouth and has to bite his knuckles to not hit something.

He scares me a great deal sometimes.

He says that other T1's would never understand either as they are all different to him.

He's also SUPER paranoid.

And smokes about half an oz of weed a week, he says, 'only' for the nausea he gets every day, which he does.
His level spikes straight up to between 10 and 33 every single morning, within twenty minutes.

I have contemplated just finishing my own life many times as I am so heartbroken by the daily struggle and the naivety and the frustration and illness and stress and ignorance and loneliness and the complete lack of understanding the whole world has for the pure hell T1's can gone through.

Please help.... :(
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Rachel that is very true

rachel162 said:
I'm with @TooMuchGlucose, I know when my levels have been up and down I get tired and frustrated and angry, and start to get headaches after a while too if I don't just take a break to recover and fix it.

Levels up to 33?!!! I get irritated when my levels are above 10-12, I couldn't even contemplate how awful he must be feeling if he's that high! Wouldn't surprise me if that was the main contributor to his behaviour, however it in no way justifies it or makes it ok. You shouldn't have to feel scared of him or what he might do. It's also very dangerous for his physical health and could lead to diabetic ketoacidosis etc, not fun.

To again repeat what TooMuchGlucose said, you cant risk your own health for his. Diabetes is hard to deal with for both 'sufferers' (for want of a less negative word) and family members/friends, but it should be something that can be helped with support if needed, and shouldn't have such a negative effect on both of your lives. I'd say maybe give him some time/space to decide how best to help himself; if he won't do that then he's never going to be able to be supportive towards you.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you right now and hope things improve.

Rachel x
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Hi @Everything is a struggle

I just wanted to check in with you : how are things going and how are you?
 
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