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Please help

Discussion in 'Ask A Question' started by Sad21+, Feb 24, 2021.

  1. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Hello I hope all of you are well ? I really don't know who to talk to or where to go. I know everyone on here has their own problems especially during a pandemic. But I need some help.

    My mum 52 had a stroke 9 years ago. Due to this she is disabled. Her stroke was my fault I phoned 999 reply late. This is my fault and I cannot tell you how much I regret it. It's been hell these 9 years. But my mum has been amazing. I have been a terrible carer

    She was diagnosed prediatic 3 years ago. We managed to get her blood back to normal for two years. And then late last December she was diagnosed diabetic. I am heartbroken and is all my fault. I made her diabetic. Again I have failed her.

    She was 130 when diagnosed she had a test in January and was down to 104. Her next blood test will be in April. I know terribly high I'm so anxious. How could I be stupid.

    It's been a really tough three months. It's taking is toll on her. She's eating low carb . But she cannot stand the food and now she's barely eating and I'm so worried.

    She's so depressed she has so much health issues. I feel so awful. She's paying the price for my terrible choices.

    I need help what can I do ? We have cut so much out of her diet. That she doesn't want to eat. Please I'm at my wit's I honestly don't know how much me and mum can take anymore. I'm sorry.
     
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  2. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Moderator
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    Hi @Sad21+

    When i was diagnosed as a kid. I picked up my mother's sadness. Sometimes you think what have i done..?
    Couldn't quite understand why? Years later she (in my teens.) told me why, she sorta blamed herself..
    My reply to her was "stuff" happens..

    You should be working with where you are now. Anxiety over the past (Though you are articulate in explaining why.) can affect others emotionally..
    Your mum may not even feel you are to blame. But she maybe also down because you are?

    It's easier said than done. but you shouldn't be beating yourself over the head with this.
     
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  3. Hopeful34

    Hopeful34 Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I'm really sorry your mum had a stroke and also has diabetes, but you mustn't blame yourself for it. I'm assuming your mum has type 2 diabetes. You did really well to get her levels back to normal again for two years, and can do it again.
    Have a look on some of the other threads like the type 2 one, and the low carb one for food ideas, and there are lots of folks on there who can encourage you, as they've got their diabetes into remission.
    Maybe you could also speak to your GP with a view to some support like counselling, or at least someone to talk to. You're in a very hard place, but you obviously care about your mum a lot, so try not to be too hard on yourself. You can only do what you think is right at the time. Take care. I'm sending you hugs.
     
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  4. MrsA2

    MrsA2 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    at the time of your mums stroke, were you a medically qualified doctor with lots of resources and tests at your finger tips? If not you have nothing to feel guilty about. Strokes are difficult to identify even in a fully equipped hospital setting
    What type of disability does she have now? What stops her taking control of her own food choices?
    Did you know that diabetics has a strong link to genetics and most of us who have it have relatives who have it, and not because we all eat the same things. Many slim people have diabetics,

    Best advice to you is
    A) stop beating yourself up with guilt. It is NOT your fault
    B) start learning about diabetes, it is not as bad as people think
    C) get support for yourself and your mental well being... like on aircraft where they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone else, as a carer you need to look after yourself first to then be able to help her
     
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  5. Resurgam

    Resurgam Type 2 (in remission!) · Expert

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    Perhaps we can help with the diet.
    What sort of things does your mum miss the most now?
     
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  6. Seacrow

    Seacrow LADA · Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear. Your Mum's stroke is not your fault. If you hadn't been there, if you'd gone shopping or out for the day, no one would have phoned 999 and your mum could be worse, or even dead.

    Again, you did not make your mum diabetic. Her body has a metabolism that has started to go wrong, probably programmed in in her genetic code. I can see that you might think you controlling her diet means your choices pushed your mum towards diabetes. This just isn't true. Her eating is her choice, as seen by the situation now where she is refusing to eat the new diet.

    Most importantly, get help. My mother blamed me for starting/triggering her Multiple Sclerosis. What did I do? I was born, and being pregnant with me was the trigger. It has taken me years and lots of talking to really accept its not my fault, and she was wrong to blame me. I needed mental health help, and I think you do too.
    Your mother's health status is not your fault. I think you are an amazing person for being willing to be a carer for your mum, and if it's been a constant nine years it's no surprise that you need some respite.
     
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  7. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for what you have been through and I hope your ok. I hear what you are saying but it is my fault.
     
  8. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for your kind words and advice I will look at those threads. My doctor's don't really care. But I will try. I hear you but if I had done better reasrched more none of this would of happened. Thank you.
     
  9. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for your comment. Nobim not medically trained but I do have common sense. Even the nurse and paramedics told me I should of phoned sooner. And kinda told me off. So I know this is my fault. If I phoned sooner none of this would be happening. My mum right arm is immobile and right leg is weak. also has speech problems. She's a hypothyroid. So it's easy for her to put on weight.

    Thank you for your advice. I will look it up.
     
  10. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Also I just found out my mum's dad side have type 2. I should of asked soonerm
     
  11. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Hello thank you she misses rice and potatoes. Also bread. I bake almond bread but it's just not the same.
     
  12. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for your kind words and advice. But it is i could of giver her healthier foods and research more. It's not her fault I'm responsible. and I wanted hours hours on end. You don't understand. This is all my fault. She could be better now. Now I see the consequences in my inactions. I will never forgive myself.
     
  13. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Also sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are well now. Thank you. Take care.
     
  14. KK123

    KK123 Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi @Sad21+ , I suspect no matter how much we all say don't blame yourself, clearly you are going to continue to do so (it's human nature). Personally it could have happened to any of us. In my job I see it ALL the time, people witness something or see a family member in dire straights or collapsing etc. They go into some kind of shock, they don't really know what to do so they um and ah for a bit, and then they might subconsciously try to minimise what is happening because it's simply too much to bear thus they become frozen in indecision. Some of them literally run off never to be seen again, others hang around and then end up doing the right thing and that seems to be what you did, yes if only this and that comes into it but as I say there are many (human) reasons involved mostly a 'this can't be happening' scenario. All I would say is that the relationship between you and your Mum seems strong, it sounds like you love her very much and are caring for her, I suspect SHE loves you dearly as well. Try to think about what SHE would feel like if she knew you were blaming yourself to the extent that you are, would she be happy or would she be devastated at YOUR pain? I know if it were my Mum she would be heartbroken. x
     
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  15. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for your kind words and advice. It really means alot reading this. It's just something I can never get over because it's shaped our present and because of my failings my mother and brother is suffering. It's been tough these past 9 years and it never gets better. Thank you.
     
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  16. Jaylee

    Jaylee Type 1 · Moderator
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    To be fair, my mum needlessly carried it worse than I did?
    Her mum (my gran.) had also died the same year as my diagnosis (a couple of months later.) whilst "babysitting" my younger sister & I. My parents were entitled to an evening out...

    Nobody's a clarevoyant.

    Understanding & progressing with what you are dealing with is more crucial than burdening yourself with anxiety over "what ifs."
     
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  17. Antje77

    Antje77 LADA · Moderator
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    It's impossible to give someone a stroke (unless you hit them in the head with a heavy blunt object, which I'm pretty sure you didn't do).
    It's also impossible to give someone diabetes, even if you are the one responsible for food.

    It sounds like you're carrying a very heavy burden. Have you looked for help for yourself as well as looking after your mum?
    I know from myself, when my depression gets worse, feelings of guilt get worse too. Guilt is a horrible feeling, and it often won't listen to reason.
    For me it took a psychologist to learn to recognise the guilt was the depression's voice, not something I deserved. It's still hard sometimes to see the difference between the two, but I've learnt some useful tricks to do so.

    May I urge you to make an appointment with your GP to speak about guilt and anxiety and fear and how the burden of caring for your mum is a bit heavy and overwhelming for you? If you find it hard to talk, you can have him or her read this thread, you explain quite well what's going on here, and your GP may have ideas on how to make things a bit easier for you.

    Wish you and your mum all the best!
     
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  18. VashtiB

    VashtiB Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    hello and welcome,

    I can echo what previous people have said- first of all you did not cause the stroke. She had the stroke. The second issue is her recovery from the stroke- that is seperate from the stroke. The recovery may or may not have been better if you called the ambulance earlier. Unfortunately that is something no one can know for sure. Some people don't recover well even if an ambulance is called straight away. I also agree that unless you are a medical professional the decision on when to call an ambulance at any stage is difficult. I suspect even a medical professional would find it hard for family. So you will never know. Having said that I understand why you are beating yourself up but I think you need to get some help for yourself. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of support. The reality is that you made the best decision you could at the time. We can't ever go back and see what would have happened if we made different decisions.

    Second I think your mother is very lucky to have you care for her. Being a carer is really difficult at the best of times and it has not been the best of times for a long while now.

    In relation to the diabetes again you didn't cause it- some can eat whatever they like and never develop diabetes. Secondly she could have shared with you the knowledge that her father had diabetes and she could have looked in to it- it isn't all on you. Thirdly- I get not liking a low carb diet. I don't particularly like it- but again she is making the decision not to eat the food.

    I agree with everyone else- you need to get some support for yourself. It is difficult not to blame yourself for everything but with some help and support you may find it easier to put it into perspective. As I said your mother is fortunate that you are willing to care for her but for her sake as well as your own you need some support.

    Virtual hugs.
     
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  19. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your kindness and advice. Very much appreciated.
     
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  20. Sad21+

    Sad21+ · Member

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    Thank you for you reply apologize for the late response. What you said was kind and helpful. Thank you.
     
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