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Type 1 Really worried!

A

Appletree123

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My husband is Type 1. In the 7 years we have been together he has shown great resentment to having diabetes and will never have annual checks, check his bloods etc. He has only seen someone when we changed doctors when we moved house and only then when he ran out of insulin. Last year he lost a lot of weight. He “manages” his diabetes by eating sweets and a lot of fizzy drinks and will not have a sensible conversation about it, I was so worried about him I became ill myself and eventually he had to go and get a new insulin supply and things improved a little although he has not put the weight back on. Recently he has become tired all the time. He doesn’t work nor does he make any contribution in the house now. He says it’s because he is diabetic but he will do nothing to address that. He recently told me he is losing his sight but will not have it checked.

We argued this morning because he had not done one of the small jobs in the house which he could do and should have done. I can’t help feeling resentful that he won’t help himself and consequently it impacts on me in that I have to take responsibility for everything. The result is he has not eaten all day, has not drunk much and I am not sure he has had insulin. It is a way of punishing me for raising the issue and I’m extremely worried. I’ve tried to talk to him and offer food but he has refused. I don’t know how long to let this go on before seeking medical help and he has said he would refuse it as he is an adult and can make that choice. He has also said he will end the relationship if I seek help from friends or family so I’m stuck here not knowing what to do for the best. I love him but can’t understand why he treats his diabetes this way when I’m sure he could have a much more normal life if he followed advice. I just get so frustrated that he won’t listen to anyone and I’m afraid he is going to come to harm.
 
hmmm it is not fair that he drags you down with him... I would not myself be able to live with a person that will do close to nothing to keep himself healthy. for more reasons,

1. it is so depressing to see a persons health evaporate that fast when there is actually something that can be done , and even daily..
2. I would never want to be a nurse towards my husbond if it is himself not doing anything to stay healthy .. he is not a child, you are not his mother and you do not owe him to be there alongside with him while he is making a slow but certain suicide,

it is sad , it is terrible and it is putting such a huge load on ones spouse that most would divorce.. well I think I would confront my husbond with how bad he is also treating you by not being willing to take responsibillity over his health and doing his best..

he is a disaster to people around him too..
 
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My immediate reaction was anger about what your husband is doing to himself and you. Diabetes is not a reason to do nothing: I don’t imagine Theresa May does many household chores but she doesn’t use diabetes as an excuse for running the country badly.
And Steve Redgrave didn’t use Diabetes as an excuse for only winning 4 Olympic Gold medals.

When I calmed down and thought about your situation, I remembered Diabetes is very often associated with depression and this may be the route cause of your husband’s problems. I know from experience it is difficult and lonely living with a person suffering from depression.

Only he can take the steps to seek help but you need to look after yourself and not be bullied by his condition.

Sorry, I cannot offer concrete suggestions for help except not to forget about the man you fell in love with or yourself.
 
I would like to be able to offer some advice - some way out of the problem which would result in your husband stopping this dreadful emotional blackmail he is inflicting on you.

Unfortunately after I had ten years of a situation where I had a similar relationship rather than follow into the downward spiral I had to end the relationship.

The only suggestion I can make is that you contact everyone you can think of - health care providers, friends and family and see if they can help you - you can't be expected to deal with this situation on your own.To be realistic - he needs you far more than you need him.
 
Hi Appletree

I can't advise on the diabetes side of things but would like to say that I think you are in a controlling relationship where his behaviour controls you. Your comment below says it all.
He has also said he will end the relationship if I seek help from friends or family so I’m stuck here not knowing what to do for the best.
He is isolating you - that is abuse.
You need to be able to seek help and support for yourself - otherwise how can you support him (should you want to continue doing so). You have effectively become his carer - and carers need support too.
I would suggest you visit your GP - the GP won't be able to discuss your husband - but they can speak to you about your role as his carer and the effect it is having on you.
If your husband is so entrenched in his ways that he will not start taking some responsibility for his illness, refuses to discuss it etc... and looks to emotionally blackmail you - you should perhaps seriously consider whether you really want to stay with him?
 
Thank you for your replies. I took some toast and coffee up to him and he’s had that so I feel a bit of relief. Recently he’s become angry all the time. If I pass an innocent comment on anything he will get annoyed about nothing. I challenge it as I challenge about the diabetes. I can see things are not going well for him and that would be upsetting, but it’s the total lack of action on his part that bewilders me. If you could control things better to have a better life, why would you not do that?

I also get the comments about control and isolation. There are underlying things with that which I won’t go into here but I have called his bluff today. He jumps from any challenge, not via any discussion or even argument, to a threat to leave. It’s very difficult therefore to have an adult conversation about anything. He has threatened this so many times I no longer believe he will do it. I don’t want to push that button myself. I’m in a precarious financial position and a divorce would clean me out and I don’t have the will for that. It sounds like it’s a horrible relationship but it’s fine as long as I am taking all responsibility, practically and financially, but I don’t think I should have to if he wanted that to change. Diabetes is a useful card to play when it suits.
 
As a fellow type 1 i think it not wise to use diabetes as any excuse or blackmail.It his own health and he that will face the colour if anything go wrong with it. I do understand what type 1 are going through and the hardship we have to face but using that as an way to blackmail other is not wise and i myself understand this.Anyway i think the solution maybe he need some professional help or somebody to talk to. Wish you all the best and do not over stress yourself.
 
High sugars can make us angry. But essentially he has to take responsibility for his own diabetes.
I would suggest telling him that it is his responsibility and that you are not going to seek outside help, but another will you take responsibility for him, so if he needs food - get it himself, ditto insulin, chores and shopping.
I know it seems mean, but at the moment you are enabling him to treat you badly. Whatever he does to his own body is his choice. Hurting you is not right.
 
Appletree123 said:
My husband is Type 1. In the 7 years we have been together he has shown great resentment to having diabetes and will never have annual checks, check his bloods etc. He has only seen someone when we changed doctors when we moved house and only then when he ran out of insulin. Last year he lost a lot of weight. He “manages” his diabetes by eating sweets and a lot of fizzy drinks and will not have a sensible conversation about it, I was so worried about him I became ill myself and eventually he had to go and get a new insulin supply and things improved a little although he has not put the weight back on. Recently he has become tired all the time. He doesn’t work nor does he make any contribution in the house now. He says it’s because he is diabetic but he will do nothing to address that. He recently told me he is losing his sight but will not have it checked.

We argued this morning because he had not done one of the small jobs in the house which he could do and should have done. I can’t help feeling resentful that he won’t help himself and consequently it impacts on me in that I have to take responsibility for everything. The result is he has not eaten all day, has not drunk much and I am not sure he has had insulin. It is a way of punishing me for raising the issue and I’m extremely worried. I’ve tried to talk to him and offer food but he has refused. I don’t know how long to let this go on before seeking medical help and he has said he would refuse it as he is an adult and can make that choice. He has also said he will end the relationship if I seek help from friends or family so I’m stuck here not knowing what to do for the best. I love him but can’t understand why he treats his diabetes this way when I’m sure he could have a much more normal life if he followed advice. I just get so frustrated that he won’t listen to anyone and I’m afraid he is going to come to harm.
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Hello Appletree123, sorry to know that your other half has issues at the moment.

Depression is a fact of life for some diabetics, and if this sounds a little hard, it's not meant to be.

1. Give yourself permission to seek help for YOU if you need it, whatever your HB decides to do.

2. Do NOT submit to emotional blackmail. Your OH may be clinically depressed, or not. (Refer to 1).
 
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