After I retired my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local store manager.
Dear Mrs. Harris
Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency first aiders were called.
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling carving knives in the kitchen department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the car accessories department he practised his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and, when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position on the floor screaming 'OH NO! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!'
14. October 22: Took a box of condoms to the checkout and asked staff "where is the fitting room?"
Last, but by no means least.......
16. October 23: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of our staff passed out.
Equally unfortunate my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local store manager.
Dear Mrs. Harris
Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Homewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
7. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency first aiders were called.
8. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
9. September 10: While handling carving knives in the kitchen department he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
10. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
11. October 6: In the car accessories department he practised his 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and, when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
13. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumed a fetal position on the floor screaming 'OH NO! IT'S THE VOICES AGAIN!'
14. October 22: Took a box of condoms to the checkout and asked staff "where is the fitting room?"
Last, but by no means least.......
16. October 23: He went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of our staff passed out.
