Hello all, I’m having a tough time at the minute and I’m feeling so conflicted about my diabetes management and what I want at the minute. Here’s my story of you have the time to read, any advice or just a sounding board would be helpful. I’m a T1 diagnosed about 18 months ago. Since diagnosis I had a beautiful baby boy whom I worked extremely hard to get my hba1c down in order to conceive safely and then for 9 months worked tirelessly to keep my levels perfect for, with the final few months hba1c of 32. After having his i breastfed and struggled to stop myself from hypoing and stopped taking insulin for about 2 months. Slowly I needed insulin again but I had little control due to breastfeeding and I was struggling to remember to take insulin and often feared hypoing whilst alone with my kids. I plodded on knowing I wasn’t managing it well but still took my insulin. Then in June my husband admitted to me that he had very severe depression and to cut it down to the bare bones, he tried to kill himself as s result of his depression. I spent 2 months forgetting about anything I needed a just focus on getting him away from this darkness and keeping my kids going by myself. All the time I put my diabetes to one side and hardly tested or took insulin only when I ‘remembered’. After these 2 months I broke and I’m now also on antidepressants. Part of my depression is linked to my diabetes which I just feel so angry and resentful of. I know it’s ridiculous but not taking my insulin has made me feel like I have some control or say in what is happening to me, because in reality at home my mood, energy, tasks are dictated by my husbands illness and my 2 very amazing but very all consuming children. Not taking my insulin feels good (this is honestly now I feel even though I know I shouldn’t). I’m not taking any insulin at all unless I know I am having something very high in carbs but I just take a small dose. My average level is around 15-18 but I do hit 25-27 at times after eating. I just see the test result and think ‘oh well, don’t want to inject’. I’m having symptoms e.g losing weight about 7-10lbs, tiredness, thirst and lots of night urination. My hba1c was 69 2 weeks ago but I was taking some insulin then. My conflict comes from knowing I’m damaging myself and being so angry that I’m doing this but feeling an absolute need to have control over something and not taking my insulin. The weight loss is also helping with my body image after gaining so much weight during my pregnancy. I feel like if I just keep doing this a little longer I’ll be back at my happy weight. I know I need to call my DSN team but I don’t want to admit it to them because then I might have to tell my husband and I can’t face making him feel bad or any more guilt than he already does. I know some of you will read this and think I’m being stupid. The thing is I know I am but my mind just can’t make me feel like I want to manage my diabetes at the minute. It’s so hard to explain how I feel. I just know I do not want to take my insulin and that not taking it makes my mind feel good. If you’ve been through anything like this I’d love to hear your stories and advice. I feel very much alone right now.