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Unsupportive Spouse

When I read this it was like reading a letter from someone who was desperate to get out out of a relationship that wasn't working. Your diabetes is serious, and if he can't deal with that and is so negative and abusive he needs to go on a diabetic awareness course. Counselling also may help, but he needs to open up and understand that his behaviour is upsetting you and the stress is not helping your control over your blood sugars. I hope you do get a resolution because his neglect could affect your health.
 
Hi

Well even though he is your husband he is a complete twonk, i cant believe his behaviour, your condition is a serious one that has huge potential ramifications if it is not managed and support from your husband is the least you should expect.

If he is like this now what would he be like if children were on the scene, he is selfish and uncaring and to be honest if he cant change his shocking behaviour then you can do better, only in my humblest of opinions.

Sit him down, explain your condition, the seriousness and what you expect from him and the changes he needs to make, if you lay down some ultimatums i.e you will leave him then maybe it will wake him up but the longer he gets away with it the worse it will become as he sees his behaviour as normal and normal it isnt.

Children should be on the back burner until this is sorted one way or the other as it will make things worse but i think you should be prepared to follow through on your threats should he treat them with the same contempt as you and your condition.
 
Perhaps you need to ask your husband about how he would cope in the situation you describe, where he walks off and leaves you to deal with a hypo alone - how long it would be before he turned around and came looking for you if for some reason you collapsed trying to follow him, and did he think that he'd be able to help in any way in keeping you alive.
I am sure that it must put a great strain on your body to be trying to keep up like that. I cannot walk fast, but I can go on at my own pace for as long as it takes, but when trying to keep up I get exhausted quickly. My husband does this all the time, so I am well aware of what is going to happen to me if I keep trying to go faster.
Maybe then ask what he would do if he got angry with you when you have children - would he leave you in a collapsed state and storm out of the house in a temper and expect everything to be good when, eventually, he came back - children all looked after and you contrite?
It seems a very unsafe situation to be in, even at the moment.
 
I got lucky; I was already in ill health when Kornelis and I got married. Type 2 was just another box to tick, to both of us. Took long to accept and get used to, but the support was there and he's been at all my appointments. I guess that's rare... But reading what you wrote... Sweetheart, type 1 isn't going to go away. There'll be highs and lows for the rest of your life... If he can't or won't treat you like he should -and they're life & death situations, not mere annoyances- you really have to think whether this is someone you want to have kids with. Besides not looking after your needs, which you seem to want to accept from him for some reason, how do you think he'll look after theirs? I had an emotionally wrecked, depressed and extremely narcissistic father. Therapy only seemed to make it worse. Believe me, it leaves a mark on a person, having that as a parent. Not just on their childhood either, it shapes ones personality, growing up with someone who cares only for their own needs. I'm lucky; I can't have children, I'll never mess anyone up the way the entire family on dad's side was ruined. I can't pass on our brand of taught and genetic (we're mostly borderliners) mental illness. But think about it... If you want to stay together, by all means, go to counselling together. But fix this, if it is fixable, before kids are brought into this. I've been trying to die for most of my life. Now that I'm in a good relationship and sortof happy, in sofar I can be, life threw an illness at me which makes me work at not kicking the bucket every day. The irony isn't lost on me. Just, you know... Don't underestimate the impact an emotional leech of a father can have. If you don't care enough about yourself to let him know his behaviour towards you is unacceptable, think of whatever kids you'll have. Take care eh...
 
He sounds like an uncaring bully to me, although you have tried hard to give his personality a positive spin, I think you are being too generous.

If you intend to stay with this man, you need to redefine your relationship by being more assertive and telling him what you need and expect from him. It is REALLY not a good idea to consider having children with this man unless he can be encouraged to be more supportive and caring - you should be really honest with yourself whether he is capable of better behaviour and a more caring attitude - in sickness and in health etc. Also you need to bear in mind that the physical and mental stress of becoming pregnant and having children will put extra strain upon your diabetes and your general health, as well as your relationship - you will need more help and support from him, not less. I agree with others that you need relationship counselling. If he won't do this, or it does not work out, you need to seriously consider whether it is good for you to stay with this man before you even consider having children with him.

Get whatever professional support you can from doctors, counsellors, friends and other diabetics (and this forum), it does not look as if you are likely to get much from him unless he is prepared to make major changes to his attitude. It is a pity he grew up without a healthy attitude towards feelings and caring, etc, but he is a grown man and should be able to form his own emotional character and not just continue with what he was (dysfunctionally) brought up with.

I hope you can be more assertive with him and gain his support. You might want to consider an assertiveness course or at least reading a book about it. All the very best to you - I hope it works out.
 
100% agree,he sounds horrible.
 
Hi @Sthiel438. I’ve been looking at your thread and feeling very sad that you and your husband are finding so little happiness.

You don’t say much about the way relationship between you and your husband was before your diagnosis other than that he was controlling. This in itself is worrying. However, I get the feeling that you’re a person who needs love and support - don’t we all. You were unwilling to move away from the support of your family who, it appears, have always provided this even before your diagnosis. It seems, from what you’ve written that your families are very different. I think we learn a lot from the way we are treated as we’re growing up and now that these differences have been put in the spotlight of T1, they’ve taken centre stage will need to be addressed. I’m not a counsellor, or a psychologist, so please dismiss what I say if it doesn’t seem appropriate.

How does your husband behave with your family? How does his family behave towards you? I ask this because I’m wondering if a change in the way you behave towards each other is possible. If you decide to stay in the marriage and work towards a happier state for both of you it could take some time. Are you prepared to devote that time to it?

Reading between the lines, it appears to me that your diagnosis has had a big impact on your husband too. If he’s not used to a home life in which emotions are expressed then his anger, and what seems to be a wish to dismiss the harder parts of living with T1, could be his only recourse to self expression. Perhaps, too, his apologies about your injecting and his concern that others might be distressed by needles were a hint to you to ask if they were before you injected?

It also seems that he’s relying on you to look after him in the home which suggests he needs you.

Have you followed advice given here to sit down with him to talk about the way you both feel about the current situation? It’s hard to brace yourself for more anger but a neutral space in which you can be frank with each other is essential, and so is allowing each other to fully express the ways T1 and the relationship are making you feel. (Decent blood sugars for this are essential
). It might be a good idea to start by agreeing that you won’t shout and you’ll be completely honest. And by each writing a list of the things that are making you unhappy, swapping them, and and allowing enough time for each of you to read and think about the other’s before you begin to talk. Give yourselves time to really look at each other’s view.

Have you seen your medical support team about your difficulties with the pump?

You may both be able to learn and change but if in the end decide to part then you’re still young and you may find that there’s a new future ahead. You mention his job but not your own. Do you work? Do you want to make an independent life for yourself that’d give you the confidence that comes from knowing you can stand firmly on your own feet, T1 or no T1? If you do then you may wish to look at what you’ll need to do to make the best of yourself whether it’s more training, finding new interests, doing something you always wanted to but haven’t yet, such as decorating cakes or car mechanics - there are loads of things out there that you can seek.

Good luck in the next stage of your journey.
 
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Hello.I'm sorry to hear about your problems.It sounds as if all the counselling in world will not improve the situation.Your husband i'm sorry to say will probably not change.I realise it is very hard for you with type 1 diabetes.I think the only thing you can do is leave him and get a divorce.If possible find a more sympathetic man.
 

Yes, men can be emotionless, and can often take the view that expressing emotions is pointless, and instead it's better just to try to fix things in practice rather than getting upset.

But there's a lot of unsettling stuff in that post.

I'm kind of hoping that there are many wonderful things about your husband which you haven't mentioned.

But certain things you mention, such as walking off when out hiking (if your hikes are anything like mine) is just not safe. I'm not sure I could do that to anyone I loved. It's not even logical - whenever I'm out with other people, I like to have the slowest person setting the pace. That way everyone gets back safely and nobody gets knackered.

And the word 'controlling' sets off alarm bells.

Some important questions I'd be asking myself is:

* Am I too quick to express emotions re dealing with Type 1? In particular, do I repeatedly express the same emotions about problems for which there is no solution? I.e. am I giving my husband secondary 'Diabetes Burnout'? If I make an honest assessment of how often I get like this, and imagine the roles were reversed (i.e. my husband had Type 1 and he requested emotional support to the same level I do), would it wear me down?

* Is my husband supportive in other ways? For example, when I express my emotions about new problems, or problems which do have practical solutions?

* If I have children, given what other people tell me about being a new mother, am I likely to need more or less emotional support? Am I likely to receive this from my husband?

* Are there enough redeeming qualities about my husband that, provided I can find emotional support for Type 1 elsewhere, the relationship could still be described as a loving, enjoyable one where I feel he would support me over other issues?
 
I found your - quite heart rending - post through a google search, as I - unfortunately - find myself in a similar position.

My partner of 16 years is not abusive generally, though she has been. Her behaviour is more irritation, sighing, rolling eyes and obstruction to my trying to eat healthily and do things that will help me keep my condition under control. She constantly complains about my trying to eat healthy meals, saying that my eating something different to her costs us more money. She is forever throwing temptation in my way, trying - quite persuasively - to get me to eat takeout or junk food when I have a hard enough time resisting eating treats as it is. she will also often do whatever she can to exclude me from events, outings and activities with my daughter, rather than give a little in terms of making allowances for my condition; I understand that it is a grave inconvenience for her, but I don't think it is too much to ask to compromise a little or to adjust things a little so that I can try to live a healthy life AND still be part of my family...

Whenever I have a high or a low, she uses this as an excuse to berate / put me down in one form or another; she can be very sly in this way. She also often uses my diabetes as a way of marginalising my opinion and relegating me, my thoughts and opinions to second-rate status. Anything she disagrees with is often dismissed with a: "your blood sugar is just high or low"; as if nothing I say or feel could possibly matter.

I was diagnosed about 18 months ago and initially, the novelty of having to test my blood sugar level kept her interested, but knowing her as I do - you don't spend 16 years with someone without getting to know them pretty well - I knew that her patience would wear thin when the novelty wore off. Sure enough, this is exactly what happened.

I was very unwell most of last year and became acutely aware of just how serious diabetes can be. Despite this - and my fervent attempts to keep myself on a strict course (which I've done well on, for the most part), I have met with nothing but arguments, obstruction and - very often - out and out rudeness. Part of me wishes that if she finds my condition and my efforts to control it such a pain, she would just leave; I do actually feel that life would be easier both for my daughter and I at this point.

It is shocking to me that my 8 year old daughter has been so supportive and understanding. I DO manage to attend most of her events, school open days etc but she is very understanding when I am unable to. I put this down to the inclusive attitudes now being taught at school in her age group.

I was shocked to see people mention the word "abuse" when replying to your post; I had never thought of it that way before, but with a little soul-searching, I realise that if I were to behave that way towards someone with an illness, I would consider myself abusive (I never would, but putting myself in those shoes if only for a second is an important way to get a feel for how someone else might be impacted, I think).

I don't know what the way forward is for you as I don't know what the way forward is for me. What I DO know however - with a degree of certainty - is that real love doesn't judge or treat illness as an excuse to behave badly and that we both - and this goes for anyone in our shoes - deserve to be treated better.

I hope that your situation improves and that your husband begins to treat you better.

All the best.
 
I am no expert on anything but in marriage I believe it should be equal so if your roles were reversed would you behave like that. If not the go think hard!
 
Just to point out this is a year old thread and the op hasn’t been seen on the forums since.

@pooface welcome. You will probably get more responses that are relevant to you on a new thread of your own. Why not make one introducing yourself in one and have a good read around. Perhaps we’ll be able to offer you some moral and practical support.
 
Sending hugs x
 
An update on this post. I have now lost a total of 33 Kilos and, again fully supported by my wife who I met nearly 30 yrs ago, can now jog around my large local park and am on a 1/3rd of my old insulin dose. I am also now on a ridiculously low level of anti-depressants and am loving life.
I hope that you (Sthiel438) have managed to get the support, and understanding, that you need, as I do for all Diabetics caught up in similar situations. I know exactly how lucky I am, I wish you all the best of luck.
 
Came across this thread after searching for ‘unsupportive partner’! Having been misdiagnosed as Type 2 a few years ago, an urgent hospital admission last year led to a Type 1 diagnosis and insulin injections. I had thought people would need to accept the ‘new’ me, not including her in this thought, as, obviously, she would. Well, no. I have to inject myself in another room, as she expressed her dislike of me doing it. We fine visit friends, where alcohol is an integral part of the evening. So I drink water or a sugar free drink whilst everyone gets increasingly merry. And last night we were invited to an evening of cocktails at friends. On this occasion I said I would drop her off, as it is no fun for me. I had no problem with doing that, but Ihave since been told I was rude and received the cold shoulder treatment. There is no understanding, and no wish to understand how I feel and what my physiological needs are.

Should add, I was pulled into a false sense of security as my first meal out with friends was when my wife was away. I apologised to friends next to me as I was about to inject and not an eyelid was batted. Now I go to corridors, kitchens, bathrooms etc or, if not possible, try to hide what I am doing.
 
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Time to sit down and have the honest talk, otherwise this will be no good for you or your relationship. I get the idea that your partner may have issues regarding Diabetes, be it a fear of needles, or something far deeper.
When I was diagnosed in 1986, my Irish family members in Donegal refused to let anyone know about my condition. They were of the deeply religious types who probably believed in curses etc. I set out and told everyone, just to get it out of the way. Lik you, I had no issues with friends and aquaintances. Eventually, I did get my elderly relatives to relax. Of course it transpired that a huge amount of the issue was to deal with my grandmother, who also suffered from Diabetes but did not have the advantages of the modern Insulins and treatments that we have today. It took a great deal of work but eventually, I got it through to them that it was just a genetic condition that I was unfortunate to inherit. I also found out about many more Diabetics that are in our family.I urge you to have that conversation with her, if necessary in the presence of medical staff or other diabetics. I am sure that whatever fears or myths that she has regarding your diabetes will be cleared up once she understands the condition more clearly. Finally, for you. I suggest that you don't have to be so rigid about your condition. Your total stopping of alcohol is, in my book, a little severe. are you living with a rigid "rabbit food" type diet as well?
If so, it might be worth enrolling on a DAFNE course. DAFNE stands for Dose Adjustment For Normal Eating and teaches you how to regulate your diabetes so that life is not so rigid or restrictive. Basically, if you both end up following a sensible, healthy diet, and can relax a little in social environments (within reason), this will also help your relationship. Good luck.
 
Thank you for this response. It was very useful to read. I should add, I’m not too ‘puritan’ on my diet and I don’t mind the very occasional drink. I won’t have more than a glass and that is fine with me, but going to an evening which has alcoholic beverages at its centre - a cocktail evening - is something that can be a bit tiresome. With this in mind, a wish to avoid such evenings is, or at least should be, understandable. Moral blackmail shouldn’t come into play, I would have thought. Cheers again.
 
To be honest people that haven’t got type 1 will never understand what it’s like and how we feel on a day to day basis if u want to message me feel free my partner is like this xxxxx
 
Is everyone else's partner suppotive/helpful? I was diagnosed 3 years ago, I'm female, now aged 39 with 2 girls who are now 10 & 8. I feel my husband doesn't give a **** and I'm in it alone.

Post edited by moderator to remove swearing.
 
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Does a leopard change his spots? As some things from experience not as health professional advice or opinion:
I put it to you that he cannot change or adapt to your current situation to enable a harmonious resolution or to a future one with children.
Wishing so, dreaming so is not reality and reality can be harsh but also provides you with the insight to stop bending over backwards to agree to his demands and behaviour and ruining your own health in the process.
There has to be your needs to consider, your self esteem and self worth.
And given what has been described by you of his behaviour, would he be good father material?
The stress of the situation cannot be doing your diabetes any good and your words suggest that it is you having to make all the adaptions and changes. This is bullying and abuse of you whether you realise it or not. Can he be trusted to help you in a hypo?
Please obtain counselling yourself about this. In this situation you describe it can be difficult for you to see that what is happening to you.
He is likely to refuse counselling as a couple anyway because he does not think he is the problem.
There may be things you can do about your diabetes control but in the current environment that is fraught with difficulty.
As others have said, notify your GP and specialist and nurse.
Counselling can be a way to help explore your options and knowing you have support of your family and friends is important in this.
You are not stuck, you do have options, there is no shame in having to take a different path and you are not alone in this happening.
And there will be ways, choices to help with the diabetes ups and downs but fearing each cgm alarm and the effects of highs and lows in his presence is not a happy life.
You deserve better, much better.
Best Wishes and please obtain that counselling!!
 
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